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It's a self-fulfilling prophecy too. Accuse someone of being angry with you and don't take no for an answer until you ruined the mood completely.
I don't like needing a ready excuse for not smiling and being attentive all the time. I also don't want to be consoled. I just want to be quiet for a while.
If you're getting this from a partner, just say that please. I'll take "just want to be quiet for a while", "don't want to talk about it", "I'll get over it, not worth worrying about", etc.
I can't take "it's nothing" when (at least to my messed up ass) there's clearly something.
"I am stressed, but I don't feel like discussing it. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with you," would be a good, comprehensive answer that doesn't dig too deep. It acknowledges the truth and validates the other person's sense that you are stressed, it states your desires of what to do about it, and it helps assuage a partner's nervous feeling that they/something did may be the thing that's stressing you.
I can't stand when someone says, "It's nothing" when there's clearly something wrong. It's a type of gaslighting, and makes me struggle to put together their words with my sense that something is wrong. There's nothing wrong in wanting not to talk about something stressful, but that's not an excuse for dishonesty. If a partner can't handle that, they're not ready for an adult relationship.
This touches upon another fun bit of the trauma I think.
At least for me, growing up I got in a lot of trouble for taking certain tones with my parents that I wasn't aware I was projecting. In retrospect, at least some of that was only the adult justifying their anger. (Unrelated to abusive childhood, I also have an ex that just directly gaslit me as intentional manipulation, not as some sort of anger management issue)
So I have some trauma about whether or not I can trust my own interpretation of events. I know I don't have an amazing memory, and I can misread situations.
Which makes it that much harder when I am in fact certain about something.
Passive agressiveness is terrible and I hate that you're expected to read it. People should just be upfront about their feelings.
I've struggled with being passive aggressive before. It was related to an uncomfortable living situation with a roommate, and no real answer being available to me besides to leave. I did not want to be read, and the aggression came out as begrudgingly, frustratingly cleaning up after him because I couldn't stand a messy communal area, and he couldn't be bothered to clean up the space (despite me asking him to do it and him spending literally 16 hours a day there). He saw me cleaning, noted the frustration, and called me passive aggressive over it. I just wanted to knuckle through it till I could afford to leave, and that makes me behave like a passive aggressive asshole. C'est la vie.
Oh man I feel this. I got my wife upset yesterday because I thought she was mad at me for being sick. 100% this is why.
so she's indeed upset
Hopefully a joke, but this is exactly part of why it's such a damn hard thing to break out of. It self-perpetuates.
It's a hard spot I've hit with my wife. I'm from the sort of household this describes, and she's from a household where her feelings were always a second thought due to a physically disabled sibling taking priority.
So there are times where she is actually mad, and mad at me or for the reasons I think she is, and she isn't willing (or able maybe) to just say "I'm upset, but I'll get over it, I just need a second". To her mind, she isn't "upset" "mad" or "angry" when she's in this state. I've asked her what word she'd use instead and she can't find one.
But I can tell that something is bothering her, so I don't want to just let it lie. I don't want my wife to be upset, and I have so much fucking experience that it means things will blow up later if just let to lie. Even experience with that happening with her.
So if I pry, I'm pushing her into being upset on a fast track. But if I don't and try to leave it alone, I feel like it's 50/50 that things will explode later on (rather than the near guarantee when growing up).
Because even if she is trying to get over it herself, if other things through the day continue to lump more frustration on, she isn't going to say anything until she's almost exploding.
So it makes it even harder to let go of my baggage because it keeps getting fucking reinforced. "See! You got upset! I was right!"
I feel you, friend. Similar situation here, possibly reversed. If I'm grumpy, or mad, or just having a rough day, I have to be exceptionally careful in bringing that to my partner. They deal with a lot, so when I add anything to that pile, it often explodes. So the pattern is me saying 'Here's something I am upset about. Please can I have five minutes of your time to listen to me.', then two days of me comforting my partner because they somehow contributed to this and they hate themselves for it.
She was upset because of work. Me thinking my health got her mad exacerbated the situation. To be fair she always recognizes that I am that way because of my childhood but I can understand how frustrating it is for her.
Boyfriends who knock on walls to not startle their jumpy formerly abused partner club. ™️
Scuffing my heels always
oh yeah. Those lovely days when I could hear the door, along with every cabinet and drawer, being slammed shut. I could feel the anger from rooms away. Waking up to it is worse. Getting hit was better, because it didn't take as long, and I wasn't tasked with calming them down just so I could exist in a place without all that fucking anger and tension.
I still walk like a ninja...
So for those of us who don't speak this language, what's the trick to being quiet without seeming angry?
I think this boils down to trust and emotional security. You build this rapport over time with one another. Rather than learning not to make a sound, which is another topic itself …
7 years with my wife and we are still both learning this.
The part we both find super dumb is that both of us KNOW the other is the same way, but in the moment neither of us are thinking about that fact and we both feel bad about acting upset/angry in response.
It's the world's shittiest feedback loop.
But we are always getting better at it, I feel.
Talk, and listen. Say out loud the things that seem obvious.
If they ask "Are you mad at me?" tell them the truth. "I'm not, but we can talk and I can reassure you if you want"
They went 10-20 years being shut down, not allowed to say the truth, or having the truth be twisted and weaponized.
Imagine being lightly bitten by a dog once a month for 15 years, and suddenly you go out into the world and see a pitbull for the first time. It doesn't matter if he's the cuddliest, happiest, well trained boy, you're going to be nervous when he gets up from his bed to go drink water.
In time, and with support and patience, people can learn not to be afraid every time the dog moves.
I'm was a on the anxious side for a long time, but I'm fine now. With people I care about, I just express "I'm really tired/hungry/bored/sore/etc." at random frequent times. It's pretty easy and makes it clear that my emotions are usually not about them.
For me it’s communication, honesty, openness, willingness to listen, and acceptance of where the person is coming from in their reactions and emotions. This is a result of childhood trauma and any long-term traumatic experience. CPTSD (complex PTSD), if you’d like to read about it. This kind of thing is learned below a conscious level so you can’t just logic yourself out of the reaction, it’s almost hard coded. Working together helps both of you figure out how to handle it, unfortunately there is no trick. It takes time and work and patience and love.
Open body language is a big part of it. Or generally gestures that clearly communicate you're not upset - smiling, gentle/playful touches.
Also if you are angry but it's at a situation and not a person, make that clear. E.g. even something as simple as the difference between "this totally sucks!!" and "this totally sucks, doesn't it?" The second options conveys that you're experiencing an annoyance together, as opposed to you experiencing an annoyance and you may decide to take it out on them.
The other person going to therapy and working through their own trauma instead of using it as a reason to be helpless
If you're with someone who is truly using it as an excuse and not trying to improve, sure I guess.
But it's pretty shitty as a partner if you aren't even willing to try and put in a modicum of effort to work with your partner as well.
It's not your job to "fix" your partner, but if you don't want to be there with them and walk beside them as they sort out their shit, why are you with them? Long term relationships aren't just the fun and happy stuff.
I like the comment up top, they said they knock on the wall so they dont jumpscare their partner. I like that. It's stuff like that makes a difference. I have C-Ptsd, go to therapy weekly (for years) but I'll forever be jumpy and scare easily. My part is not getting upset when it happens, my partner's part is doing stuff like that, knocking or speaking when entering a room, ie, when I'm doing the dishes its really easy to sneak up on me, so my partner makes an effort to try and not sneak up on me when I'm task focused.
Its also stuff like not getting mad when I say, "hey I know this might be irrational, but you're not mad at me right now?". Some people that pisses off, but just offering a quick reassurance goes miles.
My dog might come from an abusive household and this is also descriptive of him.
What fit is the last girl even talking about? This is from tumblr so it's only received empathetic responses. It's weird to make up a scenario of villains just to support your point.
Not disparaging the post, insightful and interesting. Just the last girl but maybe this is a tumblr meta
I... what? You don't have the context that the last comment is referring to so you assume they're lying about it? That's weird, man.
Yes ofc, it's tumblr... it's not uncommon you'll see this behaviour there. Only an individual would disagree with her anyway, there's no chance brigading against empathy there XD?