this post was submitted on 01 Feb 2026
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Mental Health
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So for those of us who don't speak this language, what's the trick to being quiet without seeming angry?
I think this boils down to trust and emotional security. You build this rapport over time with one another. Rather than learning not to make a sound, which is another topic itself …
7 years with my wife and we are still both learning this.
The part we both find super dumb is that both of us KNOW the other is the same way, but in the moment neither of us are thinking about that fact and we both feel bad about acting upset/angry in response.
It's the world's shittiest feedback loop.
But we are always getting better at it, I feel.
Talk, and listen. Say out loud the things that seem obvious.
If they ask "Are you mad at me?" tell them the truth. "I'm not, but we can talk and I can reassure you if you want"
They went 10-20 years being shut down, not allowed to say the truth, or having the truth be twisted and weaponized.
Imagine being lightly bitten by a dog once a month for 15 years, and suddenly you go out into the world and see a pitbull for the first time. It doesn't matter if he's the cuddliest, happiest, well trained boy, you're going to be nervous when he gets up from his bed to go drink water.
In time, and with support and patience, people can learn not to be afraid every time the dog moves.
I'm was a on the anxious side for a long time, but I'm fine now. With people I care about, I just express "I'm really tired/hungry/bored/sore/etc." at random frequent times. It's pretty easy and makes it clear that my emotions are usually not about them.
For me it’s communication, honesty, openness, willingness to listen, and acceptance of where the person is coming from in their reactions and emotions. This is a result of childhood trauma and any long-term traumatic experience. CPTSD (complex PTSD), if you’d like to read about it. This kind of thing is learned below a conscious level so you can’t just logic yourself out of the reaction, it’s almost hard coded. Working together helps both of you figure out how to handle it, unfortunately there is no trick. It takes time and work and patience and love.
Open body language is a big part of it. Or generally gestures that clearly communicate you're not upset - smiling, gentle/playful touches.
Also if you are angry but it's at a situation and not a person, make that clear. E.g. even something as simple as the difference between "this totally sucks!!" and "this totally sucks, doesn't it?" The second options conveys that you're experiencing an annoyance together, as opposed to you experiencing an annoyance and you may decide to take it out on them.
The other person going to therapy and working through their own trauma instead of using it as a reason to be helpless
If you're with someone who is truly using it as an excuse and not trying to improve, sure I guess.
But it's pretty shitty as a partner if you aren't even willing to try and put in a modicum of effort to work with your partner as well.
It's not your job to "fix" your partner, but if you don't want to be there with them and walk beside them as they sort out their shit, why are you with them? Long term relationships aren't just the fun and happy stuff.
I like the comment up top, they said they knock on the wall so they dont jumpscare their partner. I like that. It's stuff like that makes a difference. I have C-Ptsd, go to therapy weekly (for years) but I'll forever be jumpy and scare easily. My part is not getting upset when it happens, my partner's part is doing stuff like that, knocking or speaking when entering a room, ie, when I'm doing the dishes its really easy to sneak up on me, so my partner makes an effort to try and not sneak up on me when I'm task focused.
Its also stuff like not getting mad when I say, "hey I know this might be irrational, but you're not mad at me right now?". Some people that pisses off, but just offering a quick reassurance goes miles.