Mental Health

I've had seven heart attacks, a below-knee amputation, and I'm on dialysis for kidney failure, and I'm 51. I also had a saddle pulmonary embolism in 2017 that kills most people that have them, so I'm already living on "borrowed time" as it were. I'll link you to my story if you're curious, but anyway… I'm likely to last less than another decade, I think. And that sucks, but c'est la vie.

Here's what I live for:

1. I take every day for that day. I try not to live in the past because I cannot change it. I try not to excessively dream about the future because I may not have one. I just try to live today for today. Now, I'm doing PT and exercises to try and increase health, so that is doing something for my future, but i'm not just wasting today dreaming about tomorrow. I'm trying to live today.
2. I try to find things I enjoy doing because I enjoy them - playing some games, browsing the internet, reading. And I try to take pleasure in those things.
3. I try to keep up with chores as I battle anemia and fatigue. I try to keep the household running as I'm able to help, trying to minimize what I depend on my partner for.
4. Most importantly: I try to make those I come in contact with smile a little. I've always been like this, but I figure if I can make someone's day a little brighter, that's always a Good Thing™.
5. I try not to worry too much about it.

We read about people who Made History™ and who were Important People™, but the extreme vast majority of people were born, grew up, worked and lived their lives, and died and were forgotten. And that's okay! Once you're gone, there won't be a you to worry about anything!

There is no goal to life other than to live it. But if you can, while taking care of yourself, do a little good in some way: That is worth doing.

So make sure you're doing things that are fulfilling, and try to worry less about comparing yourself to some sort of super-human you could never live up to - especially not some fictionalized superhero that doesn't even exist.

I'm completely atheist these days, but I still like the Wiccan Rede's version of what many more might know as the Golden Rule: "An' it harm none, do as ye will." This opens you up to being free to doing anything that doesn't cause harm. But an important thing to consider: Not only do not do harm to others, but do not do harm to yourself.

And one subtle self-harm is putting all your energy into worrying about some sort of legacy and trying to live up to artificial responsibilities at the expense of enjoying life. So don't do that.

Introspection is good. Thinking about these things is good. Just don't let thinking about it take over.

If you still feel like you should be doing "more", finding a place to put energy into volunteering is probably the answer. Find a cause you can believe in and think is valuable. You could mentor others - younger or old on whatever topics you're comfortable with. You could volunteer at an animal shelter. Or in the arts. Or any number of places that always need people helping out.

Don't limit yourself by thinking it has to be big to be helpful.

Totally normal between 28–33. Ask anyone.

That feeling, is the next stage of "growing up".

One way to look at it is the lifelong individuation process described by Jungian analytical psychology.

There are other schools of thought, some spiritual and not. The purpose is the same by any name, just differing methods.

You aren't who you were as a child, or a teenager, or a young adult. The teenager could look at the child and understand how much they had to develop to get to where they are, while the child has no frame of reference for the journey it would take to become a teenager.

Same with the young adult to the teenager.

You know how everyone knows someone they feel never "grew up"? That's because the first three stages are a bit of a freebie: your developing brain does a lot of the legwork.

But after that there's no guarantees.

Reading your comments elsewhere in the thread, you have done a lot of growing and experiencing the world without in your life.

My suggestion would be to explore within if you haven't yet. Seek to understand the underlying parts of your being that make you, you.

This may sound like a hoky comment but I caution you that it is not, and there is more struggling ahead. Many don't say immature by conscious choice but by subconscious fear of the insights their psyche is asking of them.

There is also one personality type for whom individuation typically results in a sort of shrinking of social spheres. A type that typically spends it's whole life doing very particular tricks to avoid facing themselves not because they fear it, but because they fear that there is something wrong with them for going so against the norm when it comes to the mechanics of connection.

That type is also famous for being in the margins of socializing and society's expectations for them. They famously often find a great need to check in with others at some point to ask "Am I missing something about life? I'm checking all the boxes and I think I even have the right number of friends? Wait, do I?"

Dr. Carl Jung called that type the intuitive introvert.

If you find yourself to also be one of those, just know you'll want to take some extra care, and it may or may not be an easy journey depending on the totality of your social circle at the moment the script fades away.

But it's worth it in the end.

That's a personal anecdote, and I am intentionally not sharing any sources because that can also be part of the journey sometimes. Just beware, there is a lot of snake oil and scam info out there.

If you want something more out of life, but don't want to change careers or where you live then you need something to fill your free time. Spend less time on the internet and find something you enjoy or care about. This can be anything from learning a musical instrument or a foreign language to volunteering at a soup kitchen or animal shelter.

I went through a similar crisis not too long ago and while my solution was much more drastic than what your looking for, spending less time online was probably the best change I made. Spending less time online made room for passion and hobbies, and I've felt much more fulfilled in my life the past two years than I ever have

I feel like a lot of people too through the "rediscovery of ones self" in their 30s. Because I sure did. I absolutely understand the feeling you're trying to explain. Like you know there's something but you don't know what it is or how to begin the process to find it.

Honestly, keep discovering yourself. I saw your comment that you learned to ride a motorcycle. Keep trying things you wouldn't normally try. Some you'll hate, some you'll love.

Start making friends too. I'm sure you have some friends but reading what you wrote you're giving the "friend who's always invited but never shows up to events" vibe. Start going to things, talking to people you wouldn't normally talk to. It's possible that whatever you're looking for, is just waiting for you to actually look.

I did ketamine therapy and the experience helped me see existence from a new perspective that would not have otherwise been accessible. It doesn't work that way for everyone but it's worth trying once IMO.

Do something that scares you.

Scuba dive, or fly in an open cockpit airplane, or try public speaking, or go to a city you've never been to before.

I'm not suggesting you put yourself in actual danger, just jolt yourself.

Agreed this is 100% figuring out who you are outside of your work and family commitments. For me it was putting proper time into learning musical instruments, which I only started in my fourties when I finally accepted that I was never going be a master or famous for my playing, and that also that didn’t matter.

sorry im in abit of a latelife crisis myself. also I think like half my country is in one to some degree or another.

what you describe sounds a whole lot like studying philosophy would help you. it gives you a better understanding of life and the world in general and can help fulfill that craving for something because it is a pretty generic thing with broad topics and that is exactly why it fills every niche, kinda.

maybe you are also seeking a date, companionship too? hows your dating situation?

I was distracted and so busy when I was your age, no time to slow down. Kids, pets, so much work at my job, never time to think!

Do you exercise? That mental feeling of dissatisfaction can be complicated by physical idleness - I do have to exhaust my body to calm my mind.

Do you have people IRL? Even if you are introverted and asexual you still need a baseline level of community, of people to talk with and be with.

You don't need to achieve anything to be a whole person. I do think your instinct is correct that it's something that doesn't exist because there are so many successful unhappy people, you are outwardly successful already. So maybe you are missing physical activity or social activity.