JayEchoRay

So I tried to take steps to try improve myself and I have been able to sort of come up with something where I do daily tasks and over the weekend take it easy.

Basically, light meditation, some positive words to myself, exercise, journalling, consistent self-care and reading

I have made it to 7 days so far with me being able to complete the tasks I have been setting for myself.

However as a concequence of journalling out stuff, I have been confronted with an area of my life that I have not let vent out properly. It's its own monster of sorts that feels like it is consuming my thoughts as I relive and try come to terms with past events that leave me with realising how deep the regret and anger I have kept underwraps.

How that part of my life had some effect in disrupting my academic prospects as I let it thrown me off enough that I ended up dropping out in frustration of falling behind and also how I listened to someone ask that I do not do something I wanted to do, but out of respect to them I ended up regretting not doing it.

It is has the disruptive flow to things as it boils off and simmers as something I am having difficulty trying to come to terms with

Before I get too off track and devolving into that, I'll refocus towards what I wish to ask.

Is there resources or a social group where one can join that can act like an accountability group of sorts as I fear that what I am doing now will eventually hit a wall where I fall off and linger into bad habits again.

I know I have been driven to do the tasks on a day-to-day basis, but I already have days where it is hard to do it and I sort of just get through things out of a stubborness to tick off a box with a clean conscious, but I fear that I can only do so much on my own steam with the concern that I might need someone to help "revive the battery" if it runs low

I cannot rely on anyone that I know and I get people have their own lives but the I have tried reaching out to people that I trust and I only had one help, but they are an unreliable source of help( not in a bad way) as they can only really listen when they have time for it as they live in a different timezone and they keep a busy life schedule so asking for help is not something is readily available.

The other people I have tried have yet to really show in interest in communicating.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the person who was trying to help me and coincidentally also put the framework in place for the idea for the routine has also recently cut me off as well so I cannot look towards them for assistance either.

Mentioning that as I feel alone in this and have concern that I will relapse if I try to work on my "strength" alone

It can be whatever, but has anyone ever experienced a moment or moments that has happened to them that defies one's expectations so wildly that they cannot reasonably define it beyond stupid dumb luck?

I still play this scenario out in my mind years later as I am still somewhat in disbelief that it actually happened and I walked away without any injuries.

I like to joke, saying my guardian angel tripped me at the perfect time.

Scenario describing my event in question:

spoiler

I noticed two suspicious individuals and as I past them they started to walk towards me. My response was to shout and make a scene while trying to make distance crossing the road without concern for traffic - road was quiet, early in the morning on a holiday as I was on my way to work.

The suspicious individuals responded by rushing towards me as one produced a knife and prepared it in lunging stance like someone preparing to slam a knife into a board.

I knew I couldn't outrun them, no self-defense training, the best I could come up was extend my left hand out to minimise the target area of my vital organs. I was preparing for the worst and I guess fight or flight was preparing for a last stand fight.

What happened next is that I tripped on the pavement in the middle of the road at the exact same time the guy with the knife lunged.

He went flying over me - in an arc - from the momentum of the lunge with everything of his flying everywhere including his knife, his accomplice rushed into my periphery.

I landed in probably the worst scenario lying on my back, but I tried to keep the attackers in view. I don't know why but the guy - who disarmed himself from the fall - panicked and picked up all his stuff and started running with his accomplice in tow.

On one hand I sort of dislike doing this because it's a reminder of my failings, but on the other hand I am not sure what do either

A major pillar of support has decided to cut ties with me and it not something I can hold it against them as they have their own lives and when I recently decided to share my troubles it became too hard to deal with on account that they couldn't help me and fear that they are only making things worse.

My latest round of issues has been identifying with the long standing issue of loneliness. It is something that I have sat on and thought about recently as a root of a lot of my issues. I am isolated with feelings I am sure go back as far as childhood. I don't know how to maintain friendships, I have developed unhealthy habits that suppress who I am and overwhelm people with all the stored up misery when they get close.

It scares people away and because of it I have to force myself to suppress the person I am, which has and continues to lead to a feedback loop which further perpetuates the cycle.

I feel I only have one long standing bond left and even then I am careful to control what I say and do and avoid contact in an attempt to perserve it.

I used to be able to communicate with some people who I shared a common interest with over discord but cannot do it now as the hand me down pc I received after my old pc broke has trouble with real-time communication as the audio is heavily distorted and delayed

I feel alone, isolated, helpless, worthless.... insert self depreciating adjective.... and I stuck in this really bad mindset that has me feeling trapped, literally and figuratively

I cannot afford professional help and when I tried in the past to get help through the local clinic I became disenfrachised by the treatment I received as it felt that I was a "functional" case that drug use was enough to treat (mentioned conditions Anxiety, Depression and ADHD with an an off-hand remark of possible Aspergers, but never received an official prognosis, much less a diagnosis) - with them not really giving me any answers or support - other local lines were just as useless as they are both made me aware of how overworked they are and provide far too general advice to issues which results in me reserving myself and not addressing problems knowing that they aren't really listening.

It feels like because I am not a stark raving lunatic that it not considered that my mental health is at a point of concern.

It is always text book do this or do that and do not take into account the mental barriers I have developed as coping method, which is not so much coping as much as trying to keep up appearances.

An example, which I am not even sure if it even makes sense is : if I do not have a immediate reason to, I do not go outside.... an immediate reason primarily doing something for someone else's sake... which leads to me not going outside much at all, I cannot mentally motivate myself a reason to do something for myself.

Other advice I have been told tell me to be to selflessly kind and to show love and it will be returned, but my experiences trying have only led twisted failures as it brings back memories of opening myself to others and having it being taken advantage of and leaving me more bitter as a result. I believe my younger self attempted to embrace those values too readily and the real world was eager to correct the nail sticking out.

Which I believe has lead to a desparate desire to form bonds, as a form of self-correction from the attempt to avoid connections from the perceived pain it brought and in doing so fall victim to unscrupulous individuals that take advantage of it for their own benefit and even when I found people who not intentionally malicious, something still happens that ends up causing pain.

It is like have developemed a twisted moral code around what I assumed people want from someone to have - honesty, loyalty, integrity - and the values being destroyed as one is confronted with a world running on hypocrisy run by the status quo and then questioning why people are like they way they are as the perceived most sucessful make use of deception and selfishness to make use of people for their own self interest without consideration for another. Throwing others away the moment they get what they want.

It hurts to put trust in others and then being hurt, especially when they take pride in their self-indulgence whether they intentionally do it or not

I think the person who decided to cut ties came to the conclusion that I was, To quote from the video https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5L1sJ99jklc at around the 6 minute mark, :

"being so desparate to change yourself, but being unable to communicate those feelings. It can make you latch onto people in an unhealthy way, unfairly placing the burden of change on them when they can't help you in the way you want"

was something they probably thought they needed to do. That and mentioned that they feel like they are walking on eggshells and that I was scaring them - not in a physical violence sense but more in they are concerned of me "losing" it and them being caught in the crossfire.

I do feel there is more to write, but I feel I need to try and contain the "Pandora's Box" from opening full tilt everytime I write ... so I guess I am just shouting into the void as I feel emotionally mixed ( ranging between numbness and anger) from losing yet another person from feeling overwhelmed in loneliness and expressing myself to another who has context to what I feel, but ended up relying on them too much

A video from 7 years ago by CGP Grey that talks about how democracy and dictatorships run and I find it an interesting look at the general politics and how it effects how a country is run when compared to today's landscape

Cooked this up after seeing a picture of a certain Yahg and could not resist

So I have thinking about Reapers and how they like to intergrate technology. Spoiler tagging, just in case for anyone that has not completed the trilogy.

Sovereign:

spoiler

• To me seems it was the created or integrated Protean Reaper tasked with proving its value by starting the reaping cycle. I say this as Soveriegn nails that Prothean superiority and arrogant attitude. It could also be an interpretation of how a prothean sect failed to control Reapers and instead joined up with their beliefs or were "corrupted by the code". Perhaps an Illusive Man parallel.

• Could also contribute to how Reaper-Saren had an overload perhaps? In its arrogance it diverted too much energy trying to do many different tasks, including trying to stop Shepard and in the moment it was defeated it couldn't handle the concept of losing to an inferior being which caused a logic error and subsequent crash.

• It also played into the "God Complex" with the Geth, which seems very on brand with Protheans

Collectors

spoiler

• Considering how they are cloned, it could have been another Prothean sect that was big on biosynthetic augmentation and attempted to survive the Reapers by trying to "hijack" a relay and escape to the galatic core and there finding the husk of some other cycle's attempt at constructing the Crucible but failed. Not knowing that by them integrating "Reaper-based AI" code that it would corrupt them and over time lose themselves to Harbinger's Will.

• I say this as the Collectors only have one ship and how easy it is for Harbinger to interface with the augmented Collector General and Collectors. Interesting in how the Collector general seems confused once harbinger releases control - could also be that the general came to after being mentally dominated for who knows how long.

• interesting how quick Harbinger is able to drop the charade of the starchild when it dismisses Shepard when they refuse on the Crucible in a similar manner to how it abandons the Collector General.

• It is an interesting parallel to Cerberus and Collectors as well with them trying to integrate flesh and machine with Shepard, Project Overlord, not knowing the books, but I recall someone named Greyson as well with another Cerburus incident and also with attempting to pass through the Omega Relay and using any (advanced tech that in all likelihood has Reaper-Tech integrated) Collector Technology they find - although intended less for survival and more for dominance

As I wrote in the title, it is just me coming up with some conspiracy while thinking on it in my spare time - anyway it is all in good humour.

Thank you for coming to my Westerlund News Talk

;tldr

Find something you enjoy and try and capture it in a way that you can look at it and appreciate what you do, I mean you might not appreciate it but it can be something that gets all that built thoughts out into the open so it is easy to see with one's own eyes.

I know and understand it will not work for everyone but I still hope it can be a positive contribution from my own experiences and I can only hope it can be useful for someone

End tldr;

So I have posted a lot and it felt a bit selfish always using the service but not really contributing.

I don't know how long I can keep it up, but over the past 2 weeks I have been trying to blog a video game article every day on my personal blog. I mean I should space things out so that I don't burn out of course, but so far just doing the writing has helped me not be overwhelmed with thought.

Perhaps it is a distraction, but I do feel less social anxiety as I am branching out more on Lemmy and try to engage with people more and I think for that is good thing.

I don't know if it is good advice or not, but for me it feels being able to express something one really enjoys in what ever way that one is most comfortable with and then being able to reflect on it - in my case writing and then going over it and then being able to say I completed something when I publish it - has created to me a, I can only assume, a postive feedback loop.

I write this as I am someone that enjoys being social but is incredibly socially insular, and in writing the video games blogs it is making me feel more comfortable trying to branch out as I "empty my head" so to speak.

I made contact with the friends I felt ashamed of being a detriment to the group and explained my situation, stating I would communicate every now then via posting but be unable to communicate via voice

I even made a Mastodon account, and although I spent most of the day trying to figure out how to write and learn about correct # usage while stil building up the courage to use because I have never been big on social media before, I finally got around to post to share my blog online and I built that courage by myself, which I however small is an achievement to me considering I have always felt I cannot do things without someone else's help.

The help I did get from going to a blogging group is to just not care what other people say and write for myself, create something I want and over time I can make it better and refine. Just so long as I am doing something that is a good thing. If nothing else writing can be for its own benefit and that has a reassuring comfort for someone like me that is incredibly harsh on myself as well.

There is probably a name for this, but I guess in absence of other choices, this is almost like therapy for me in a sense. I still do strongly recommend that those that can should seek professional help though

Source: https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/471147-mass-effect Uploader: Daft Punkjet

Not sure on the the origin, besides providing where I found it.

On the scale of paragon and renegade, I think the most memorable moments I have had with Mass Effect is being a Renegade with Paragon-like ideals - especially with Sole Survivor.

What I mean by this is being a renegade but try to push for paragon like outcomes - so making use of intimidation to obtain something usually obtained via persuasion, taking hard stances on those that wish to exploit and profit off unethical research, while still feeling strongly about preserving the rights of a species to exist.

Some great lines comes from both renegade actions and the contradictions.

By the time of the trilogy, I head cannon it together quite nicely as a Shepard feeling like he is always forced to make the hard choices, being someone struggling with survivor's guilt, and internally is conflicted with the consequences of his actions and tries to do better.

This self-enforced burden has made them a bitter person, but not an irredeemable one as the personal moments help peel back the bravado and exposes someone really struggling to keep their shit together.

Tldr:

Seeing lemmy posts about Disco Elysium reminded me of something that resonanted with me and its been bubbling wanting to get out and the other topic feeling lonely and isolated from friends due to hardware failure and a growing sense of low self worth and loneliness with some introspection.

: End tldr

First off I want to preface that I am going to be using a game and I guess how it emotionally resonated with me when I tried empathasing with the main character.

The game in question being Disco Elysium.

Although I myself cannot directly place myself in the shoes of the protaganist the game did catch me in a lot of moments where I am in a situation and just think "damn, that sounds like me" at times.

From the commentary of being a "Sorry Cop", that I have tried to move past in my life ( being someone that used to say "sorry" a lot)

To the many different examples of falling into a line of thought or idealogy and being exposed to the idea that maybe I might be inclined to ideas because I have been hurt and in that hurt I have lashed out mentally clawed onto these ideas less from thinking clearly to maybe it just makes me feel better to identify with something to try forget about the pain.

A part in particullar resonanted with me in the first run through the game where the protaganist talks to their ex-wife, it resonated with me from a moment in my life where I mentally fell blindly in love, was rejected and come to the realisation I was being used.

It isn't an exact situation from any stretch but the emotion of wanting someone and wanting to get an answer and seeing that he felt he was not good enough, really hit home in a different way from how I usually have ruminated - mainly because I expressed but never had anyone to empathise with being felt betrayed and abandoned.

In a weird way, I could empathise with the longing the character had and how painful it coukd feel, at the anger I have carried in me and how I could feel that anger in the character. It was like "I know this, and I know how you feel" and the game explores this with the destructive( and the potentially destructive) behaviour the character goes through in the game.

When I played it a second time I really went pretty hard into the worst emotions I felt during those times and it was I guess eye-opening to see the self-destructive behaviour from the outside where the character was a philosophical mess embracing many different philosophies falling in with facists and communists, the uncomfortableness of almost making a little girl cry, catching that in myself in that moment and really feeling bad exposing a child to the ugliness of the world when they express a world view with their child-like innocence.

And what really sealed the deal in making take a step back and think on things is when the protagonist has genuine heart to heart with other broken people and then just hitting right through to a root cause that

"Hey, that person really messed you up didn't they. It's okay and maybe your life is a mess because you cannot forgive yourself and you doing all these wild things, believing all these ideologies because you feel hurt and you do all these things to try replace that pain with something, anything that can make you feel better"

It just hit differently feeling personally called out but not in the way that they reprimand and ridicule you but just in a way that says "hey the world is fucked up, people will do fucked up things, things will not always work out and we all carry baggage."

Isolating yourself and trying to carry the weight of the perceived world on your shoulders can lead to self destruction and ruin, but when people genuinely listen and, even though their situation can be similar or worse, listen with sympathy and understanding that one can start to take steps to heal oneself.

I guess seeing news of Disco Elysium around Lemmy sparked the memory, but yeah even though things are not great for me and I feel myself falling back into my isolation as events that was planned to improve fell through and my personal situation not getting better with things I also planned to use breaking down as well.

In regards to the breaking down of things was my computer which one could argue was the thing that was keeping my sanity in check somewhat probably in the same vein I suppose an addict uses substances to deal with issues if I try be honest with myself.

On the other hand it was a lot easier to communicate with people but when it died, I tried communicating with the mobile device and unfortunately the earpieces are kind of trash with it having degraded audio or static while communicating also on top of the charger cable breaking and having to playing round robin in the household with a single working charger.

With the events just piling on in a negative momentum, I think I feel incredibly lonely and low value because that is how I feel around my peers when I cannot engage with them when I feel I bring nothing to the table and feel like I actually make the experience worse

When the pc was working I attempted to make videos, however every time I tried I would be bitterly disappointed with my own voice and it would demotivate me from further editing and attempting to create.

I suppose with the forceful break from it I guess deep down I really just wanted to make videos to be recognised and acknowledged, however I hated the content I was trying to make because it felt lifeless and phoned in. I guess I was so focussed on trying to be "perfect" that I just made myself more unhappy when I couldn't do something I really do enjoy doing but feel incompetent in trying to get that across.

This was all very loaded again, but it has been building up inside of me for awhile and I really needed to just write something otherwise I feel I would stubble down into the "madness" pit.

I would like to preface there is some foul language and potentially dark musings that I am going to express...

If it is beyond acceptable measures and rules of the group I understand I accept it being removed.

I am really trying to win a mental battle, but I just can't win

I am engulfed in negativity, surrounded by voices of negativity, my past haunts my negativity, and feel my future is going to lead just to negativity.

I am a broken shell of an individual that doesn't want to be broken but nothing seems to break me free from my mental prison.

I have tried to keep it under control, but recently seems I am in less control than I feared.

An ex recently came to me via social media to ask for support for the difficulties they are experiencing in their life and in conversation something from the past came back to surface, which later seemed to be but a metaphorical vent in volcano as they wished to wipe the slate clean.

This gesture seemed to reverberate with a painful memory which is associated with an even greater painful memory sphere. This soon erupted into a tirade of expression that brought out the suppressed emotion of the greater memory sphere. This I thought lightened my burden and to try make up for my outburst tried to reconcile with selfless support, however a day after a conversation seemed to snap an even greater repressed emotion.

I was not hovering between panic attack and tears, but tears and emotional numbness, this continued until a point it seems my unconscious mind put a stop to it as I reached a point where I couldn't feel any emotion anymore, like I had just administered drugs. My body was just dead to emotion and tired and just empty.

It was like even soul was broken and just had enough and put a stop to it. All I felt like doing is just lie down and try and sleep, like some husk of a person just run bare. In the morning, the back of my neck sore and I felt empty still.

This individual undergoing their stresses has since pulled away and removed themselves from my life as they have their issues to deal with and I am too heavy negative presence to deal with.

The tangled web of suppressed fear, disappointment and anger is so ingrained that I cannot see anyone that would have the patience to untie it... I could never afford the amount of therapy to get help for this and even if I could I am so jaded by never finding any progress or answers that I fear all I will do is waste that money if I tried.

I say this from going to university, and seeing the student councellors and probably of the 10 or more I saw only one had any inkling of providing an diagnosis and another help conceptualize a slightly better outlook. The rest was trying to tell me my problems aren't my problems, seek religion, or just write down what i say.... every single one I seem to address a new issue almost like I was just trying to unload the accumulated burden of the past.

I will give acknowledgement to those that tuned down my most violent thoughts.

Although this is by and large ancient history, I believe the wellspring from which my deepest hatred, pain and fear comes from is the betrayal of someone I put naive trust in. It was the straw that broke the camels back and imprinted in me an incredibily destructive scar upon my psyche.

I acknowledge that I took their attitude poorly and acted in way that should have been acted upon sooner. But this wrong behaviour led to a day when this individual showed a group of people where I lived, which is with my family.

This action snapped something inside of me, it invoked an incredible surge of hatred. To punish me for my actions I could accept, but the thought of hurting my family for my actions was unforgivable and swelled me with an incandescent rage.

I say this as my brother is mentally disabled and the thought that he could get hurt for my actions fueled an anger I do not think I have come close to yet. This burning rage was always present waiting for a strike that never came, until under advisement of her mother said I should just write a letter out and just get it out my system.

My trust and naive constantly mocked as we worked in the same environment as she would loudly speak about her recandled flame with the boyfriend that had cheated on her come back together, with him even coming into the store on occassion where they make a public display of things.

The letter I wrote scathing and fully expecting reprisal... i wished to paint a bullseye upon myself and myself only

My mentality was that of a death seeker looking for one final violent defiant release. The day did come when I was threatened and I know fight or flight kicked in as I was filled with addrenaline, happy, eager, waiting for the first strike to be thrown. This was done while I was working and everything in my body felt happy to finally have this moment. But the moment never came and only threats for after work reprisal were given..

The addrenaline past, and my higher functions kicked in and soon realised what the fuck was I feeling, when finally confronted with release I was feeling eager smiling at the opportunity...but when it past that part of me scared the living bejeebus out of me.. i fell into a panick attack as I had no idea what the hell is wrong with me.

It was at moment, a part of me was scared I realized I wanted to live. The thought of what i was willing to through with was horrifying, that anger, that rage it scared me something fierce.

Just writing this makes my heart beat fast and hard like a constant knock at the door as I lie in bed.

I tried to seek some help but it was the before mentioned free university student services and that was met with mixed results.

But it seems this pain, this learning experience scarred me in the way that I was too stupid to process the real world and in doing so I almost caused so much hurt for someone regardless of the outcome be it in my death or the death of the ones threatening me.

I tried to to move on, but every attempt fails, always always something happens that draws me to the pain

I was incredibly lonely growing up, so much so I would go mad and feel like my head woud explode from the pressure, physical pressure of trying to make sense of it all. All the while I needed to hide my pain, my actions my thoughts to not make my parents feel that they raised 2 mental disabled children.

From that point on people that I would come close to would take advantage of my kindness, my trust and this further eroded my pysche, I tried to move on, but behind me was an every growing baggage that would get heavier and heavier to carry as each successive people would take more and more from me.. and add to this seeing such messed up things happen with people around them and it just made the problem worse and worse.

It my problem that I got so desparate for some form of affirmation that the only people I seem to draw were the wrong type of people...

I mean this type of behaviour was going on for awhile with various levels of betrayal and anguish even before the fateful tipping point, but as I wrote before that the point where I got so angry was a point where I felt the ever downward spiral take a free fall

It effects every part of my life and with every failure just seems to get worse and worse

I cannot even see myself worthy being anyone's better half because I am too broken to fix.... to try is to delve into madness itself and I cannot expect anyone to have the mental fortitude and patience to dig through so much filth. This even in the face of being told I have examplary morals, I just cannot be anyone else's burden.

I even have been told before to seek a priest to rid myself of the demons.

Somehow I have found a way to make friends, even with repeated faliure, I somehow have met individuals that are cut and above the usual pieces of shit human being I seem to have seem to associate with, but I am trying to keep this mess of a human being out of it. What I have shared is to a point I believe palatable to average consenus of the group and I never or want or expect them to provide support in my mental battles as just having "decent human beings" to be in contact with is a treasure.

I have other issues where I do not have a voice to correct the wrong assumptions and standing up for myself when I feel that I receive unfair treatment in a respectful and dignified manner and tend to keep quiet, but that would require another long and exhausting write essay and I am just drained after writing this.

I apologize yet again for language use and potentially dark tone, but I did try to compress this to not go into too much detail, as I have a terrible habit of writing too much and hopefully this more palatable.

But yeah, if I would surmise I am a broken person haunted by a past that holds onto me as a means to protect myself from myself but in doing so makes my life incredibily miserable and any longings and aspirations I have is such a broken concept that I feel whatever I do is doomed to fail and only bring about more misery and pain in an endless self-perpetuating cycle of failure and regret that I feel that doing anything is pointless as it will only lead to having me needing to deal with even more stuff that perpetuates the unending cycle

I know this unhealthy, I know it is wrong and I know I need help but I cannot see anything really helping this it is more than needing drugs as all it will help with is regulation and chemical balance, but my mind is a shattered broken mess that no amount of drugs can ultimately fix, maybe make the house keeping easier but there is some foundational problems I know is the root causes but all help I received is from the freely available sources and those sources all seem confused about is the problems because they have just best guesss so far and feel drugs will fix things.

So I posted recently about something with Hollow Knight and how I was too fat fingered to do the white palace

Well before I wrote that I got as far as the room that has the secret wall to the Path of Pain. I resigned myself after going at the normal way it for hours and getting stuck there.

After writing , I tried to have a go at it again and reading guides to what to do, I finally got through it after an embarrasing amount of hours... now I know it is a skill issue I have with platformers and I was hating myself the whole way through while using a keyboard.

I hated doing it, felt like the game was going to break me but I carried on cursing the game for every inch of progress I made. I can acknowledge that the White Palace was well made ( although the saws and spear mechanisms will probably give me nightmares) , felt a bit overtuned on the timings, but again what do I know I am horrible with platforming in general.

If the normal white palace gave me this much trouble, then I will probably get aneurysms trying to do the path of pain and give respect to those that have will to do it

I don't wish to discourage anyone from playing the game though, my embarrasing amount of hours I put into completing the White Place is more an effect of me literally brute forcing my brain to get timings right and then playing a section at a time that the many sections on an obstacle becomes one set piece action when I stop thinking and let muscle memory take over