Sketchpad01

It went from me wondering why I could never seem to be or stay social. I consider myself funny and people tell me that, so why do I struggle around people then? Why can't I make really social connection that aren't just surface level. And why can't I seem to change the way I live? I seem to do be unable to work on things I need to do because I have to stick to this rigid schedule.

Then nothing happened for a couple months, I just figured that I was anti social and moved on, but not really.

Then I was walking back to my car from work, and I was thinking about all this stuff, and wondering why I never like going places, and why I can't stand parties, and why when I come back from work I hide away from my family. And why can't i make eye contact??? I just kinda went, "Ha ha I wonder if I have autism lol"

One month later, I read a little about autism, and it really just fell into place. Oh I can't make eye contact because autism, I struggle with social situations because of autism, I can't say goodbye properly because of autism, YOU MEAN WHEN I THOUGH THAT I WAS JUST BECOMING MORE SOCIAL, WHEN I WAS ACTIVELY FREAKING WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY WATCHING MY BODY POSTURE, CONSCIOUSLY LISTENING TO HOW OTHER PEOPLE TALK, (and on and on) THAT THERE WAS A FREAKING WORD FOR THAT??? I WAS MASKING???

Anyways haven't been tested yet but honestly it's so I can't be as doubtful of myself. I swear I'll struggle through a social situation and come home and go "hmmmm I'm not doing anything autistic rn that must mean I don't have autism and am just faking it". He says while sitting in a room by himself, stimming by spinning a phone in his hand, following his usual schedule, with low light.

Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that's expected.

TL:DR

I joked about me having autism and turns out I do.

No way

Las Vegas Loop sounds like a Mario Kart track

Honestly wish I could do that. I've gotten so used to masking my inability to do small talk that I basically just say yes to everything. It's super annoying and something I want to work on, but I dont really know how.

Odysee has videos? I've been using it for... 3D printing.

Yeah I'm not lucky to live in a country where healthcare is free, I'll be able to get a diagnosis in less than three years, but it won't be soon because it's expensive.

Yeah, I'm currently self diagnosed. I won't be able to get a diagnosis for a while so I understand the frustration of people that for some reason decide that a self diagnosis isn't valid. It's just something you have to get over I guess. I'm definitely not to the point where I can tell people I'm autistic (I actually made a post exactly like this last week, so I'm only a week ahead of you in experience) but I'm trying to get there.

Welcome! It sounds like you feel pretty similar to how I've come to realize my autism. Major signs that none notices, thinking you just really care about texture, stuff like that. This community has been super friendly so keep coming back here. Two last notes, check out the info page for this sublemmy, it has things to watch and read about autism, and lastly dont worry about getting diagnosed, self diagnosis is exactly, if not more ballad than a medical one. Get a diagnosis if you can but if not dont worry about it. If you need anything there are always people online on this sublemmy, also on the mastadon chat but to as lesser extent

Check the info tab for this sublemmy (I guess that's what you'd call it) it has a ton of information and stuff to read and watch, that's actually where I found this!

I actually quite like it, maybe it's just because it's like reading my thoughts and actions written out on a page and given names though.

Being apart of a group feels great, going from feeling like none understands what I'm going through, to finding out not only is there a name for everything I do, but there's people with similar experiences??? They're like me??? I'm not alone???

I've definitely started doubting and questing things that I think and feel. I recently quit a job I had been working at for about 4 years, not because of autism just moving on. And on the last day I kept thinking "this is the last time I get to do X". Then I realized that I don't care, like at all about it being my last time, this whole time I've been doing this because I see other people do it. It's so weird to go through this process and realize that almost my entire life has been a facade, it's a good weird, it's an answer to why I've felt this way, but weird nonetheless.