Autism

I’ve always felt that I am “from another planet”, both in social interactions and because I feel like an alien clumsily operating a meat puppet. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression for decades, but treatments didn’t really help. My social-worker daughter suggested a couple of years ago that perhaps I am autistic, so I started looking into it. I scored as autistic on all the online self-tests. It made sense, explained a lot of my life events. For objective verification, a month ago I went to a diagnostician. Sure enough, I’m a highly-masking autistic person.

I’m 60. It’s such a relief to know that my struggles in life were not because I am a weak or lazy person. I don’t hate myself anymore; on the contrary, I am a bit proud of how much I accomplished in life considering I didn’t know “What the hell is wrong with” me (as my dad would frequently ask).

My mental health has been slowly degrading over the last 20 years. But when something changes very slowly I always wonder "did it really change?". Also when I am depressed it feels like I have allways been depressed. So for a long time I didn't do anything about it and just tried to function. Our neighbours, who are also friends are social workers and they work with autistic people who can not live without help but are mostly independent. They once let slip that they think I could be autistic. When everything got so bad that I finally couldn't procrastinate looking for therapy any more I had an initial talk with a psychologist. They asked some questions we were talking about many aspects of my life when I told them about the theory. Next thing they told me was: "This must be diagnosed before you start any kind of therapy because the therapy would need to be completely different depending on the diagnosis." So I started searching for places who diagnose autism in adults. Every one in my area had waiting lists for years so I started looking further out. In the end I was lucky and found a place in a city I could reach by train (I can't drive) where I had to wait only a month or so. The friendly psychologist there told me after a few minutes that she was reasonably sure I was autistic and had ADHD but that we still needed to do all the tests just to be sure. We did all the tests and it was confirmed.

My diagnosed-autistic boyfriend mentioned it to me. I researched it, the label fit. Took the online quizzes, started adapting some of the suggested coping strategies/'life hacks' and they helped.

Then I realized that maybe all the comfortable, 'normal' engineering nerd college friends I fit in with were less neurotypical than I thought. Other friends that had formal diagnoses told me that I felt autistic to them. We flock, you know. Later, I mentioned it to my therapist and she was like "yeah, you seem autistic to me".

It went from me wondering why I could never seem to be or stay social. I consider myself funny and people tell me that, so why do I struggle around people then? Why can't I make really social connection that aren't just surface level. And why can't I seem to change the way I live? I seem to do be unable to work on things I need to do because I have to stick to this rigid schedule.

Then nothing happened for a couple months, I just figured that I was anti social and moved on, but not really.

Then I was walking back to my car from work, and I was thinking about all this stuff, and wondering why I never like going places, and why I can't stand parties, and why when I come back from work I hide away from my family. And why can't i make eye contact??? I just kinda went, "Ha ha I wonder if I have autism lol"

One month later, I read a little about autism, and it really just fell into place. Oh I can't make eye contact because autism, I struggle with social situations because of autism, I can't say goodbye properly because of autism, YOU MEAN WHEN I THOUGH THAT I WAS JUST BECOMING MORE SOCIAL, WHEN I WAS ACTIVELY FREAKING WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY WATCHING MY BODY POSTURE, CONSCIOUSLY LISTENING TO HOW OTHER PEOPLE TALK, (and on and on) THAT THERE WAS A FREAKING WORD FOR THAT??? I WAS MASKING???

Anyways haven't been tested yet but honestly it's so I can't be as doubtful of myself. I swear I'll struggle through a social situation and come home and go "hmmmm I'm not doing anything autistic rn that must mean I don't have autism and am just faking it". He says while sitting in a room by himself, stimming by spinning a phone in his hand, following his usual schedule, with low light.

Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that's expected.

TL:DR

I joked about me having autism and turns out I do.

A long time I experienced myself as "normal". It didn't occur to me, that "all the others are weird" can't be right. While reading about ADHD a friend of mine also read about Autism and Asperger's Syndrome. He often said (both teasingly and matter-of-factly) "You most certainly are autistic". Eventually I had enough of it and looked it up. The Wikipidia article convinced me blazingly fast ("wrong planet syndrome") and I got diagnosed within half a year by the age of 34 (i.e. 8 years ago by the time of writing).

My son was diagnosed before he even turned 3 and his younger sister was being assessed, both of them are non-verbal. What I was learning about it put so many things from my entire childhood and youth in perspective and everything finally made sense, so I consulted and sure enough was diagnosed myself. My parents refused to accept it, they said I'm making excuses to not act "normally" and have cut all contact. I made my peace with that and am grateful about it, I no longer have to tolerate toxic people demeaning me for who I am, and my children sure don't deserve that.

I was my therapist's PHD thesis. I was like 48. Up to that point everyone knew I was a bit odd, but couldn't put their finger on it. (Though I do have a lifelong Major Depression diagnosis, so most people just figured I'm a lune.)

I'm 37, and just got diagnosed at the beginning of this month, actually. I've never been quite "right" in social situations, and had "odd" interests and sensitivities. My dad is probably autistic but no one's ever officially diagnosed him and he'd call it bullshit even if a professional said it.

My mother was a special education teacher, and she saw my stimming and sensory issues and decreed them to be a problem because I'd never be "normal" (and I use the term loosely). "You're so smart! You can't have any issue with anxiety! Lights are that bright for everyone, and no one else complains! Figure it out!"

Almost exactly a year ago I came across a TikTok channel talking about masking and how it can be stressful. The points she made about how autism presents differently in women struck a chord with me so I started doing research. So many issues and experiences I'd had just matched everything I was finding about very high functioning autism, and I asked about it. My therapist had said I have "autistic traits", but trauma can also present in some of the same ways (and hoo boy is there trauma in my background). She suggested I meet with a neuropsych specialist in her office and get tested.

When I met with the doctor post-testing, she said that the tests confirmed my suspicions, but also that some of my mannerisms were textbook autism. Apparently looking away from someone while putting together a sentence isn't me being rude, after all!

I still don't know how I feel about the diagnosis. I'm working through a lot with my therapist under a different lens now seeing that a lot of things could have been explained if I had gotten diagnosed earlier. The big plus is that I am able to get accommodations at my job for things like light sensitivity and overstimulation now that I have an official diagnosis and letter.

A Healthygamer.gg video talked about the overlap of transgender and autism and that was when I was able to accept I (probably) have autism, and soon thereafter fullt accepted myself as trans female rather than a less extreme version of trans.

I met several autistic folk over my life and each and every one of them suggested I might be autistic. Then my nephew got diagnosed with autism. Then my mom started thinking back on all the social and emotional issues that were brushed off by medical people when I was a child. Then I got an in depth psychological evaluation, and surprise surprise! Autism. Explained a lot...

Still waiting on my assessment.

I was working in a school with a lot of differnt courses. I've come across a few like "working with Nerodivergence" things just clicked.

I asked a colleague if this behaviors list was accurate as it could apply to anyone. They asked why I thought that. because all there are things i do and I'm not... oh.

The realisation came slowly over a period of ten years. I now believe both parents are on the spectrum and that surely contributed to normalisation of the behaviours during childhood. The earliest clues came from reading message boards, forums and web pages of the early internet. People described their symptoms and it chimed. I had always puzzled over my parents obsessive tendencies. My mother with numbers and patterns, being highly sensitive in some ways and completely deficient in others. My father's facility with logic and technical problems, his rages and oppositional defiance.

Growing up I thought everyone was like this but places like school terrified me, the noise and clamour was awful. I didn't want anyone to touch me. I was baffled by school and did nothing there, my personal projects were where I did all my learning. Machines made much more sense to me than the people around me.

It was the drug addictions that really pushed me to consider that there was something different about my experience. I was always trying to bend my conception of reality with the evidence around me. I became an expert of my own mental health while I studied the various disorders described in the DSM. That's what finally convinced me but I didn't seek a formal diagnosis, there's no point now. Maybe it's not even autism, that would be a good one.

I met an autistic woman (same age, late 40's) and watched the Chris Packham documentary. I then began to research heavily into my new (special) interest, read how women present differently than men, did a few of those online tests, and then went to my GP to ask for a referral, which led to my official diagnosis

I think that I've always felt 'other' and never fitted in despite trying (masking) and also the fact that everyone I've run into conflict with has always said my communication (verbal) is poor, and that socially I'm either a bit 'weird' or introvert/loner etc, but also I don't really want to fit into the 'norm' because it feels fake, and stupid, and I feel like an alien anyway

Since then, I realise that my dad is definitely autistic (loves trains and his interests haven't changed since he was a child), friends I have/had, as well as the people I gravitate towards are also probably autistic. I'm fairly certain my boyfriend is (he is also convinced), and I look at my mother and also wonder...hmmmm

Every difficulty I've ever had including anxiety, problems interacting with others, depression, general stubbornness, weird moodiness that comes on for 'no reason' (basically misinterpreted sensory overload causing shutdowns/meltdowns), being bullied at every educational level plus work is me trying to mask my autism and fit in, while failing miserably....

It was a huge relief to read about autism in women, and know that 'these are my people' and I'm actually a just an autistic person :)

I also want to add, this is my first interaction with this community, although I've really enjoyed all the memes, some had me laughing my head off. I used to lurk and occasionally comment on some of the female autism subs on reddit, so I'm glad this place exists here, it's got a good vibe!

Well it started with one of my friends noticing specific patterns of behaviour I had. I don't remember all of the things he noticed, but it caused me to look into it. When I was reading the symptoms off of medical sites, I felt like I was reading about myself. I was honestly shocked, and didn't know how to take it. As I reflected on many of my experiences growing up, it made sense of things which I hadn't found reasonable explanations for.

It explained struggles I had socially, it explained my sensory sensitivities, it explained why I often felt depleted, and it brought light to things which I wasn't fully aware of.

I asked my mother if she ever thought I was autistic, and she said she is pretty sure I am. One reason, was that when I was a kid, she couldn't ask me what I wanted to eat for breakfast. Rather, she had to ask, do you want toast? Then if I said no, she would present another option. Also, I got tested for learning disabilities when I was in school. I scored extremely low in some areas, and extremely high in other areas. They couldn't diagnose anything because I it gave me an average score.

I'm now looking at getting diagnosed, but it is a demanding process. Dealing with waitlists, and checking prices between different professionals, is exhausting. I may decide not to get diagnosed, if it becomes too complicated. However, I was confident of being autistic, after my mother thought I was as well.

My therapist brought up the possibility that I may be neurodivergent. I had gone through a difficult breakup and was increasing angry and impulsive and had no idea what to do.

After a few sessions, she noticed a lot of my issues of feeling alienated and social exhaustion were very similar to other clients she had. I was technically diagnosed early on but my parents disregarded it and so I continued life without knowing otherwise.

So throughout my adolescence, I had difficulties with "fitting in" and a pervasive sense of incompetency that developed into long-term depression. My perpetual exhaustion was due to the fact I was masking constantly. It's been freeing and I've been a lot more forgiving of myself especially to my past.

A few years back there was a reddit AMA on "people with autism, how would you describe it to people without?". I read it out of curiosity, and with a growing sense of unease that most of the things people described I identified with myself! At the time I largely shook off -- I'm an introverted nerd, of course I like spending time on my own and focussed on an interest -- but a pretty common thing mentioned was "it feels like everyone else got the instruction manual of how to behave and socialise and I missed out", and I felt that one in my soul. More recently my brother was exploring the possibility he might be (ND friends had suggested it) and he passed on the embrace-autism.com website which I again identified pretty strongly with, and more pertinently, absolutely aced the self-assessment tests. It still would have been just a now-strong-possibility, but otherwise not that relevant, but after attending a particularly loud party with my girlfriend I had a shutdown episode. I'm pretty sure I've experienced it before but probably not in front of someone like that, and that was when I decided to investigate more formally.

My life and health fell apart and autism explains it better than a thing else after other explanations were ruled out by doctors. Then I took a diagnostic test and felt more comfortable assuming autism explained it. I was actually shocked by the results and how high I scored.

Technically not confirmed (TM). Never been assessed by a pro though pros have said I am divergent or whatever back before I suspected, and frankly I don't have the time or resources to spend on doctor visits and I just don't actually believe a doctor assessment will actually improve my life. I'll just be more resentful that my personal failures are inevitable if doctors agree. Also I feel like I would just get worse, and become more reliant on people and that makes me feel incredibly guilty

Its been in the back of my mind for years, but it was Fern Brady's run on Taskmaster that convinced me to dig deeper. She's been open about here diagnosis and I saw a lot of familiar things in her.

In 2019 my friend started sending me compilations of ADHD and ASD videos and memes. They had clocked me long before I understood myself, probably due to my severe sensory issues that make life hell for me and anyone living with me. I thought they were funny and really resonated but it was a very very slow realization. I was in a lot of denial but the more other people talked about their struggles (through comedy, my main coping mechanism) the more I identified with them.

I've been formally diagnosed with ADHD. I have taken all of the tests for ASD and score highly but I am not pursuing an official diagnosis. The ADHD can be used for any accommodation I request and generally isn't used against people the way an ASD diagnosis would be.

It's been about a 4 year journey of self reflection and exposure to what ADHD/ASD really are (vs. the dated stereotypes of "squirrel" or nonverbal or Rain Man) to understand there's an explanation for my many, many traits.

Tl;Dr funny tiktoks made me question my identity and I unraveled

I was really starting to notice how much I identified with issues and problems and just the general way of being other people with ADHD and autism describe it, so went to the doctor to find out. Was diagnosed with ADHD and BPD, and given a referral for further testing for autism and other issues, but my appointments kept getting pushed back for that until I eventually gave up on it and am now seeking a different doctor that takes my insurance, because there's a good chance I am actually on the spectrum.