Did any of you grow up in a toxic or unstable home as a kid? How did you actually deal with it, or move past it?
Looking back, home wasn't calm growing up. Constant fighting between my parents, things a kid shouldn't really be exposed to. I don't even fully know whose fault it is, honestly, and part of me hesitates to blame either of them completely, because I've also watched both of them work hard for me despite everything falling apart between them. That contradiction is confusing on its own, seeing people cause you pain and also genuinely try for you at the same time. I've started noticing it in myself now, more impatience than I think I should have, reacting harder to small things than the situation probably calls for. It's like some of that environment got wired into me without me even realizing it until recently.
I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm asking because I know I'm not the only one who's grown up like this, and I'd genuinely like to know how people actually worked through it, not just survived it, but actually became calmer, steadier versions of themselves afterward.
A few things I'm curious about:
Did you notice the effects on yourself right away, or did it take years to even recognize the pattern?
Was there a specific turning point, therapy, a relationship, distance from the situation, or was it more gradual than that?
Does it ever fully go away, or does it just become something you manage better over time?
Genuinely trying to understand this instead of just carrying it forward without realizing it. Appreciate any real experiences you're willing to share.
[[[[Sometimes I catch myself wondering what it would've actually felt like to grow up in a genuinely happy, peaceful family. Hard to even imagine it sometimes, since it's not something I ever really got to experience firsthand._]]]]
I had a really rough time once I finished school and was released into the world. It was like I left prison and didn't know what to do or how to act. I had a lot of "reactive" emotions and actions from years of living in that environment, that confused and scared me. I didn't understand myself at all, why I did things, why things upset me that others are fine with. I hated the way I acted and who I was, I didn't want to be that way, it felt like I wasn't "myself" or in control. People around me were confused and concerned.
Therapy helped, just having someone to talk to and say things out loud was really important. It didn't fix it, but I could see the shape of my childhood better. "Oh this behaviour comes from this trauma" kind of thing. Then the life-long process of untangling it began.
I've made a lot of progress, but I'll never be finished. Something will set you off and will take a long time to work through, and you'll keep finding little things. Like recently I discovered that I hate when people misrepresent me or lie about me or paint me in a bad light, because as a kid when that happened I would get severe institutional violence. If my reputation was attacked, I was in real physical danger. As a result, today I get really angry and defensive even about really minor misrepresentations that don't matter at all. Still working on that one.
It's all about self-improvement. Becoming who you want to be, not who you had to be to survive. Sometimes you don't know who you want to be, just that you don't like who you are now, and that's ok too.