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I'm not sure but over the past 18 years the dynamic has changed in general. Even if you were to doll up, most men wouldn't say anything, since now everybody has a camera in their pocket amd a social media account. So the threat of getting your life ruined over a miss-guided approach is real for men.
It really hasn’t changed much at all. Men still approach women they find attractive in a variety of ways.
/looks sideways in mild autism
uhhhhhhhhh that's never seemed like a great idea for a variety of reasons 😅
How often is a misguided approach really ruining men’s lives though? I’m kinda struggling to imagine an approach to giving a compliment or asking someone out that can be polite, respectful, and well-intended, but still go so off the rails as to wind up on social media and ruin a guy’s life
It isn't a very realistic scenario - you are completely correct.
Instead what is happening is that sometime around 2005, women complaining about men hitting on them online reached critical mass. The modal woman who might come across these complaints online would agree in solidarity, or else at least not disagree, as to not undermine her lived experience. Hence, the message being spread consistently online was that all women hate being approached at all times, and you are a bad person if you do it.
This message then spread to teens and young men on the internet - many of them trying to find their footing in the dating world, and seeking advice on the internet that they might be too nervous to ask for in real life.
And at the same time, social anxiety has been steadily increasing among young people due to decreased human connection, driven by smartphone use. Tell a random 20 year old to go to their local park and strike up a conversation with a stranger for no reason except that they are at the same park, and they'll look at you like you just told them to assassinate the prime minister of Czechoslovakia - not only are they sure it is a bad idea, but they are pretty sure it is impossible, since Czechoslovakia hasnt been a country for quite some time now.
So these factors combine. They believe that even approaching a woman already makes them a bad person. Then layer on top social anxiety that makes talking to strangers already horrifying. And the brain comes up with a scenario that justifies the fear: You are a bad person if you approach a woman - you're a bad person just for thinking about it - so if you actually did such a fucked up thing, it would definitely get recorded and posted online. Everyone would know what a fucked up person you are, you'd probably get MeToo'd, and sent to jail for sexual assault. Better never talk to anyone, just to be safe.
Damn, that’s quite the thought spiral. Like, I can see how the train of thought gets there eventually, but holy cow. There are guys out here who give negative fucks and openly treat women horribly - leering, rude comments, groping, etc. Someone going “hey, your dress looks nice!” or “hey, if you’re ever interested in coffee or a drink, here’s my number” and not being weird about it is a completely different thing.
Right. And unfortunately, the spiral doesn't have to be as extreme as described above in order to get a guy to not make a move. Instead it could be as simple as "Hmm, I'd like to talk to her, but I heard online that some women find it annoying... I don't want to be annoying, so..." And if the general cultural consensus is that women dislike being approached as a rule, then we would expect guys who are courteous and pro-social to follow the rule, while guys who don't care about those things to break it.
Damn that was a bit too close to home for comfort. However I'm closer to 40's than 20's xD
I see myself as a shy introvert and I'd rather avoid social interactions if I can, as I feel I'm bothering the other person(s). So approaching a woman randomly... Yeah the second quoted paragraphe summarise how the experience would feel.
That's why I liked dating apps years ago, before it (apparently) went to shit (I stopped now that I have a partner): clear background and expectations, minimised misunderstanding.
Damn, we reinvented Catholicism!
Doesn't matter how often it happens, the fear can be there.
Take violence for an example. Violent crime has steadily fallen since 1993, yet people seem more scared of it than ever with the 24/7 news doom and gloom cycle's "if it bleeds it leads" paradigm. Moreover most violent crime by strangers is male on male, most often when women are attacked it's someone they know, friends, family, partner, yet still women seem more scared and distrusting than ever of an unknown man (while often still assuming the ones more likely to actually do something are "one of the good ones" no less).
Basically, often fears don't line up with reality. Like, I'm scared of flying, apparently I'm dumb for that, but idgaf, "flying still scary."
"life ruined"? Normal flirting is sometimes unwelcome but should not be offensive. Someone would have to be acting very much the fool to get blowback from a "misguided approach".
I would say that's true, except for the idiots with no self awareness or conception of consequences. Those guys will always be a problem