Ask Lemmy

Those are good examples. I've never known serious addicts, but seeing how my grammom dealt with grandpa getting Alzheimer's was very difficult, as they'd been married 70 years, so it's not even like she could remember life without him, and then he was physically there, but mentally lost 99% of the time. She was relieved after he was finally at piece, but by then, so much of her felt taken away from her, she basically decided she wanted to not be here if he wasn't and she essentially said her goodbyes to us and said she was going to stop her meds so she could be with him again. She was my fav relative, and was one of the few loving people I had growing up. But I knew for years she was miserable watching pop suffer and be lost and afraid. I told her she didn't owe anyone anything and if she wasn't old enough to make her own decisions, who the heck was? I miss her every day, but I think she was right to feel relief when pop was at peace, and it was right for her to decide she didn't want to be in a world with half of herself missing.

My lifelong best friend just went through the same thing with his mother and a long bout of dementia. It was so physically and mentally demanding on him, his mom seemed very lost and upset almost all the time, and his dad was having all kinds of mental challenges coping with the situation and taking it out on my friend and the caregiver they hired, and as sad as it was to lose her eventually, everyone living's life was in many ways, much calmer and stable and they were able to start healing. I miss her too, as I knew her since I was around 6, so almost 40 years. But much of her was lost to illness and was never coming back.

We also lost both my wife's parents withing the last few years, and I was horrified at how terrible it is to be there while actively losing someone. I was at the hospital with my wife for both of them, and they both were essentially past the point of no return, but we all were there 12+ hours waiting for the physical process to be over. It seemed very demeaning to the person that was dying, and very cruel to the family to just have to sit there and wait for everything to stop instead of giving a loved one the peaceful and graceful end that we give to animals. I think I was more angry than sad, and I felt closer to them than to my own parents. It just seemed needlessly prolonged for all parties involved, and the family is getting mad at the poor nurses, because their hands are tied, so I felt bad for them too. Like, if there is no way they are going to recover, where is the humanity in making everyone sit there and watch that final suffering? It was just baffling to me how we can say that is cruel to let an animal linger like that, but we make families do that every day.

I tried not to go on so off topic for so long, but I get frustrated so many people refuse to talk about death until it's right in front of their face. Some people act like I'm morbid or something, but it is an inevitability, and I think being mentally prepared for it is helpful because you won't be in the right state of mind to think through anything when you're on the spot facing it. It also leads to not having wills, insurance, and plans for many important things the surviving parties will need to deal with that also delays people healing from the experience.