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Yes. And it sucked. And it still sucks.
Within the last few year, I've finally realized I've been asexual my whole life. I've had sex before, but I struggled to care about it or enjoy it. It was always inconvenient, messy, went on too long, etc. I had enjoyed spending time with my partners, but I hated sex, and that's been a huge part of all my relationships.
And, yes, I've had "good sex" before. Just like someone who hates pie can have the best pie ever, it's still pie!
I've sworn off relationships until I can figure it out, but god knows that every romantic relationship will require sex to let my partner know that I care about them and their needs. I'm sick of compromising. Why the fuck should I need to compromise on something that I don't want or like? Plus, because I'm not into it, I'm sure my partner would want someone who puts in enthusiastic effort to the endeavor.
Don't tell me that I'll find someone. It's not comforting, and I'm still grappling with the reality of it. I'd like a partner, but it's just not feasible for someone like me.
I'm still mad that I'm like this.
Without wanting to sound ignorant, wouldn't finding another ace person help here? Since both would be coming into the relationship with the same set of "goals" and the same mindset
The problem is that ace people are so incredibly rare that you're not going to just stumble upon them in the wild. I have similar frustrations as the person you're responding to. I can never really have that kind of deep relationship with someone because I'm not compatible with 99.99% of people on the planet.
There are dating websites that are asexual focused, but that doesn't mean they are densely populated. I go back to these now and then and it's rather frustrating how few people exist on these websites. I have yet to match with someone who will respond to me, is in my desired age range (not 10+ years older or younger), and is within a day's driving distance from me.
I know tons of ace people but from a specific fandom. My wife (who is ace) is super into the show Our Flag Means Death. I liked it to, but I'm not a super fan like they are. We've met people at conventions into the show and many are ace. The show features a ton of LGBTQ characters. So maybe finding queer media and people into that media is a good way for you to find other asexual folks.
Just jump on ace Tinder. They show you photos and no one swipes.
That'd be great, if A). ace folks weren't VERY far and VERY few between, and B). "I'm an ace who actively sex." Because apparently that's a thing with 0 differentiation, which makes everything 100000% more frustrating.
I just wanna let you know that it’s possible, out there. I have an asexual wife, and we don’t do any sex, but we’re sickeningly heavy on the romance.
Those types of people are out there!
Well you've certainly never been with me then!
Ok, now that the shit talking is out of the way, I really hope you do find exactly who you're looking for.
Are you kidding? Drunk guys take forever!
Lol I've been with all kinds. Long or short, it's just not an act I'm into. But I remember a time when it went on for what seemed like a near unbearably long time, but the guy seemed very proud of himself, so I didn't want to rain on his parade. Felt like mental torture just waiting for it to be over.
Have you considered a poly relationship? If your partner(s) get sexually satisfied elsewhere, it may not be an issue
I have. Tried to do the poly thing a few times, but the folks involved were far too emotionally messy for a serious relationship.
That would probably be the way I'd want to go, but, personally, I've seen very very very very few poly relationships with a good dynamic between partners, remained chill, and were emotionally healthy.
That's not true. And it's extra not true if you let your partner satisfy their sexual needs with other people.
I actually have tried it before and gave up after a few separate times.
I'm super super super open to poly relationships, but it seems like most folks who are also looking for/in poly stuff are not emotionally mature enough to make it work properly.
The pool is barely a puddle with all the requirements to make my particular situation work out. I'm just working to kind of accept my fate, at this point.