Ask Lemmy

The descriptions you wrote resonate a lot with myself.

I'm often "robotic", I even sound like some LLM as someone recently accused me of being. It's not AI, it's me, although I'm not sure who exactly...

That's because I often find myself fighting with me, as if my essence/soul and my physicality/body were two distinct entities. Part of me wants to "just be normal" (whatever that means), while the other part of me finds no purpose at all, a nihilist perception from a cosmic level, all the way to myself and my existence.

And there's my brain, often diving itself into an almost obsessive seeking for information and knowledge. I try to learn as much as I can find (self-teaching was always an easy thing to me), and I dive into a whole ocean of information and knowledge across several fields, from STEM fields to philosophy and a syncretic spirituality (from several belief systems). Deep inside, it's me trying to flee from myself.

I feel like I exist in a bubble of myself, with my own culture, habits and thoughts disconnected from "other humans", as if I couldn't really get to understand the "invisible and unwritten rules" while having my own "invisible and unwritten rules" which nobody else seems to understand, yet deep inside I know there are people similar to me, struggling to cope with themselves and their surroundings just like I struggle to cope with myself and my surroundings.

I can at least try clearing some stuff up on being asexual.

While the name Asexuality inherently suggests a complete lack of sexual interest, folks these days try to treat it more as a spectrum, much in the same way that sexuality itself is a spectrum (more to it than gay and straight!) There's probably a better way to describe the spectrum than calling all parts of it the "I don't like sex" club, but I digress.

There's folks like you who are completely not into sex. "Sex repulsed" is the term I've seen used most, though repulsion to sex itself doesn't inherently suggest finding disgust in sex ("It ain't gross, I just don't see the appeal"), but plenty enough asexual people find sex to be disgusting in some way, shape, or form that it should be noted.

I've always called myself grey asexual - I do get sexual urges, and I enjoy relieving those urges on my own, but the thought of sex itself isn't a pleasant one for me. I consider myself sex repulsed given my history of having been sexually abused.

I've met folks that called themselves demisexual - Sex itself isn't what's desired, but rather the human connection one can build with sex, and the bonds that form in one's passions with another. They're not interested in random hookups, cause sex itself isn't the point. They find that sexual appeal rises in people they have a more personal connection to.

Google voidpunk.