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I started working to get hormones about 2 days after the US election, and have been on hrt (E, Spiro) for a couple months. It's a little disorienting, the juxtaposition of the dread and fear against the intense joy and euphoria I have been feeling. I feel like I am doing better than I ever have in my life, it feels like before I lived in this emotional grey, an autopilot, and now my life is begining at 30. At the same time I feel that fascism is rapidly intensifying. I fear for my loved ones who are immigrants, for the uncountable people being disappeared, and despite living in a "safe" state know I am not very far behind in terms of risk over the next few years. I have on some level preparing myself to run, but I also hate the idea of it on so many levels. I in some ways feel like coward to consider running when many close to me cannot or will not.
It's a confusing time. But also it feels like I have been given a life again, I am like Frankenstein awakening to the world from the cold grip of death, and that joy is so intense and I am so thankful for it.
I will die before I detransition, and I don't intend to die easily.