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So sorry for your loss. You're a stronger person than me. My dad passed when I was 16. Liver and kidney failure from alcolishm. We weren't exactly close, and I cant say i liked him at the time, but he was still my dad. I couldn't handle being there in the end. The sounds like you describe them were too much. I never had grief nightmares, but i also haven't had vivid dreams since i was like 10. I did have a few panic / anxiety attacks in the years immediately after, but they stopped pretty quick. I'm about to turn 30, and I promise you, every day gets a little easier. I'm sure your therapist is a better resource, but you ever want to talk to an anonymous stranger, my DMs are open.
This was a very comforting reply for me, because I understand it. I honestly can't say that my mom and I were extremely close, or that she was my best friend, or that we even liked each other at times. But she was my mom, and there was love and good memories there, however sporadic.
It's complicated, isn't it?
Thank you for the reassurance that it does get better, and for offering to lend an ear. That's incredibly kind of you, and I'm very grateful.
Relationships are weird and complicated. I've yet to meet a human who has a simple relationship with both parents, lol. Life is complicated, but I truly hope things get better for you. Sending good vibes your way!