I am M41. I have a son who is 5, almost 6. The little guy is quite sensitive and cries relatively easily:
- He hates having to wash his hands. Mom and I wash our hands right away when we come home from outside, and often after touching dirty things or before meals. He hates it. He often cries when asked to wash his hands, sometimes for 10 minutes or more. Saying "we also do it" does not help. Washing his hands for him does not help. I asked him what are the worst things about washing hands, but he could not elaborate.
- One day recently, when I took him home from daycare (it was around 16 in the afternoon), he asked me to play with him. I said: "I need to empty the dishwasher first; then I will come play with you." He broke down and cried until I finished my housework and came to play with him.
- He wants Mom to put him to sleep every night. If my wife is out and he has to go to sleep with me, he sometimes cries himself to sleep. I have not found anything I can do that helps.
Whenever he cries or is otherwise in the grip of negative emotions, I try to be as supportive as I can without encouraging it. I talk softly to him, hug him if he wants it, stay close to him if he wants it, and go away if he wants that. I try to praise him when he DOES manage to calm himself down, and NOT reward him for throwing tantrums.
When he cries he often asks to watch TV. I try to avoid letting him watch TV to calm down, but once in a while I cave in and give him TV.
All these things have always been problems, but it seems to me that these behaviours have grown worse this last half year. Do you have any advice?
Thanks in advance!
I am about the same age and my 4 year old is going through something similar, though admittedly less severe. I want to preface by saying he's my first child and I don't know what I'm doing and likely never will.
That said, I've made some progress over the last few months by forcing him to face smaller and less impactful disappointments. For example, he wanted ice cream at the grocery store, which is not something we typically buy but instead of saying no, I told him we could get ice cream, just not the one he wanted. I wanted vanilla and he wanted chocolate. As soon as he started to whine that "it's not what he wanted" I reminded him the other option was none. Ice cream won, he was stoked and there was no melt down this time.
I've been doing the same thing in other ways here and there. "Yes I'll play with you, but no I won't play that game, how about this one?" And I just stay firm on the boundary of how with the alternative being "no" and fully accepting that a meltdown might ensue. I've noticed little by little he just seems to be freaking out less and less.
With meltdowns, the only way out is through, I've been told.
On the hand washing thing, I am guessing it's a sensory problem. The water is too hot or too cold or too wet, something like that. I think you should cut him slack here, bodies are weird and this may be hard for him in a way that doesn't make sense to you. Using sanitizer or a water-free hand soap is an option to reduce hand washing frequency, might make it easier on everyone.
Good luck!
Presenting options and the illusion of choice has saved me since my kid was three. Getting out of the house in the morning was a huge struggle until I landed on, "what do you want to put on first, your shoes or your jacket?" I also don't know what I'm doing, but I think kids simply don't like to be told what to do, they want to do whatver they want. Presenting options gives them that agency while also getting them to do things they wouldn't do on their own.
On the topic, nowadays my kid is very easily convinced by reverse psychology. For the hand washing, I'd probably tell him not to wash his hands and make up something silly and say "if he washes his hands and then touches me with his clean & wet hands i'll melt because I'm made of sugar" Then when he washes his hands I'd let him chase me around a bit and pretend to melt or something. If they call my bluff I'm all out of options, but 60% of the time this works every time for me. YMMV.
Thanks for the suggestions.
I have talked to him a couple of times about the hand-washing, and as far as I can tell it does not appear to be sensory. When I ask him whether it feels uncomfortable or painful or weird for his hands, he says no.