I've told this story before recently, but somehow it seems vaguely apropos.

When I was a kid, I tried adding fried spam to mac and cheese.

As you can tell, my mom was very concerned about my diet, AKA, not at all, and she just let us do whatever the fuck we wanted to do.

So anyway, it was alright. It was not a meal I would repeat. But in addition to the fact that it was not very good, that night at three o'clock in the morning, my butthole woke me up.

This is not a normal occurrence in my life. In fact, in all of the years since then it has never happened again.

My butthole woke me up to let me know that it was about to open, and it opened, and exhaled one long continuous fart for what felt like two solid minutes.

There was no sound, it was completely silent, it did not rattle my cheeks. It was just a whoosh. Like my butthole had been waiting to exhale its entire life and finally got the opportunity.

At first I was like, why am I awake?

Then I was like, wow, this is a really long fart.

Then I was like, dear god, why has this fart not stopped yet?

Then I spent the remaining minute and 30 seconds of the longest fart in my entire life, absolutely flabbergasted that it was still happening. I wish I had shit the bed, I would be less traumatized.

That fart changed my life and not for the better.