Asklemmy

Most recently: My white cat was drinking water and my orange cat decided it wanted to attack it, my white cat screams as usual which triggers my dog to go nuts and wants to play as well which causes both cats to run. My white cat runs through the kitchen and jumps on the bench knocking over some containers we had drying out, the containers falling freaks my dog out so he starts barking at nothing in particular, meanwhile my orange cat runs down the hall and goes to turn and go up the stairs but slips (vinyl flooring) and slides into the wall making a loud thud.

This all happened in a space of like 20 seconds, while my family and I are sitting in the middle of it all eating dinner - absolutely perplexed at what just went down.

I was at a club and persuaded a young lady who didn't want to dance to change her mind. As I'm leading her by both hands, walking backwards, she asked how I "got to be so smooth?" (something no other woman has ever asked me). "Well, I grew up with two older…" backwards over a chair.

It actually probably helped me out because I jumped up and laughed at myself with zero embarrassment, which means we were both laughing about it.

Left side of my bed collapsed while mid-coitus (cheap MDF bed, not raucous sex). Missionary, so we just rolled softly off the mattress and onto the floor. Paused briefly as we both processed what had just happened, then laughed and continued.

Went to my car at Lidl. When entering I hit my head against the roof. Bumped to the other way, door began closing, hit my other side of my head against the door, then roof again, again door and smashing into the interior in a sitting position. Door closed.

After made myself think again I thought about how my father would be disappointed over my grave that he raised my for so long and I killed myself in such a stupid way.

Watched from my kitchen window as my dad and my dog were chased by a skunk. It was exactly like a comedy sketch. First it was dog barking at skunk with dad yelling from the side door. Then it was skunk chasing dog, dog chasing skunk with dad chasing dog. Then the tables were turned, and my dad was being chased by the skunk.

It was glorious. I remember it taking ages before they could get safely inside. My dad was pissed at the time. They both were partially sprayed, but I don't remember it being that bad of an aftermath. We laugh about it now.

Rushing on a snowy day, walked into an open manhole. To this day I have no idea what I landed on, I was shoulders-deep and when I came back the next day the snow was gone all I saw was the manhole cover.

Doing a Horny Gorilla skydive with 5 friends.

Representative photo of a Horny Gorilla not a photo of me or my friends:

We get into the formation, actually get stable and the next thing we all see is a one jumpers deployment bag, with their main parachute in it, come out from his back. Goes above the formation, then the deployment bag comes down into the middle of the formation.. goes back up.. comes back down. Lines are streaming all around and it's turning into a really dangerous situation. Getting tied up in the lines, while in free fall has a great chance of being fatal.

But it was just a surreal moment for all of us, seeing this deployment bag dancing around in the middle of the Horny Gorilla.

The person next to the jumper with the deployment bag out, reaches down and pulls the affected jumper's Pilot Chute, which is what actually deploys the main, and tosses it into the air stream. The affected jumper went flying out of the formation as his main parachute deployed. The rest of us break and track hard.

The guy actually landed his main parachute! He did not end up cutting away and pulling his reserve. The way that deployment bag just danced in an out of the middle of the formation was just unreal and we all just stared at it for what seemed an eternity.

25 years on and we all still talk about it.

It was snowy out and I was in the car with my partner about to take off to work. We had a roommate at that time. I looked over at the house and roommate comes out, slips, and falls. I tell my partner “oh nooo… Roomate fell…” as they’re trying to get the car started.

Roommate attempts to get back up, slips again… gets halfway up, falls again… stands fully up, does a little kinda jog-in-place, falls again… I tell my partner “he’s… still falling…”

Many years ago I was painting stars on a bedroom ceiling for my oldest's third birthday. I had been running the ceiling fan in the room for all the other painting to help it dry faster, and it didn't occur to me that running the fan while I was on a ladder painting stars on the ceiling wasn't a good idea.

To be fair, I got most of them done before it went bad.

The ceiling fan hit me in the head, and I heard a stadium crowd cheering the home run as I flew off the ladder and landed on my back.

I managed to get a bruise that went around the front of my head. It looked like my skull had flexed.

I decided I had painted enough that day.

I was practicing my front kicks on a heavy bag in my kung fu school when I decided to try to work on their height. I kicked as high as I could which made me lean back (bad form). Well heavy bags fight back and between that and my unstable position I fell backwards like a log. Yes, I was defeated by a bag.

I never actually saw it, but my mom swears and declares that one time a maine coon cat we had ended up getting up on his hind legs and used his paws to open my bedroom door, back when I shared a room with one of my brothers.

when i was running to take the bus and slipped in a puddle in the sidewalk, throwing my legs upwards as if i were daniel stern in home alone, and landing on my back.

I was talking to a colleague in the office hallway who was holding an empty coffee mug. He fumbled with it a bit until it slipped out of his hands. He tried to catch it, got it, it slipped again, and again, and again. He juggled with that thing for what felt like an eternity until he finally caught it safely. I couldn't stop laughing.

I was leaning against the side of my bike while talking with someone. It rolled away and did a full 360 circle while I fell, and somehow I ended up in exactly the same position as before. And I was just like Uuuuh okay?

Another one that I saw was while ice skating. These two tiny girls were skating hand in hand. One of them fell on her ass, and they both laughed, then the other fell, and they laughed even harder, and they kept falling as they were trying to pull each other up. I hope they're still friends :)

Slipped on a banana peel in kidnergarten.

I fell down concrete steps and rolled into it and came back on my feet relatively unscathed. That reminds me also about a car accident I was in. Was in the left lane of a multi lane highway and a guy made a left lane change into my rear bumper (really closer to my center but I noticed and tried to speed up and honky but still got clipped). My cars back slipped left such that my care pointed forward. Another car slammed into my right side front flipping me onto the left side of the car and pointing me forward again but my momentum mainly stayed going to the right hand ditch which I eventually got to and then my vehicle flipped back upright do to the ditch decline. I was injured but again relative to what just happened and Im throwing this in but just to be clear it was a really aweful experience for not just me but many other people and other people got seriously injured. I just lucked the fuck out.

Most recently: My white cat was drinking water and my orange cat decided it wanted to attack it, my white cat screams as usual which triggers my dog to go nuts and wants to play as well which causes both cats to run. My white cat runs through the kitchen and jumps on the bench knocking over some containers we had drying out, the containers falling freaks my dog out so he starts barking at nothing in particular, meanwhile my orange cat runs down the hall and goes to turn and go up the stairs but slips (vinyl flooring) and slides into the wall making a loud thud.

This all happened in a space of like 20 seconds, while my family and I are sitting in the middle of it all eating dinner - absolutely perplexed at what just went down.

I once saw a guy slip and fall on a banana-peel. He just stared at it for a good 30 seconds in disbelief before getting up.

Working at Dairy Queen when I was a teen. I was cleaning the soft serve machine and forgot to depressurize and drain the machine before i opened the front up. As soon as I loosened the last bolt it exploded gallons of chocolate and vanilla soft serve ice cream. In an instant, the entire mall food court was sprayed in a fine mist of soft serve. Once I wiped the ice cream from my eyes and realized what just happened, I looked around and there was a perfect outline of my silhouette on the wall behind me.

I was at an OHL (minor league hockey) game and they had a couple of very little kids teams come out to skate around the ice before the anthem and puck drop, but while the kids were skating around they rolled out a long carpet to centre ice for the anthem singer to walk out on. Every single kid came around the corner right into the carpet and wiped out, one by one, someone ran out on the carpet waving their arms to try and tell them to STOP! but they either couldn't stop or didn't notice and all of them ate it.

The crowd was a mix of people horrified and going OH NOOOO and others laughing their asses off. It was quite the scene.

I saw a cop pull up and park illegally to go into a Dunkin donuts. It was like seeing a political cartoon in real life.

Stepped on a rake, smacked me right on the forehead. More plausible than you might think.

At a friend's wedding. He is known for being clumsy. Literally 30 seconds out of church after the ceremony. He shows off the ring, just hear a cartoonish pling pling and the ring rolls straight down the street drain in slow-mo. Next 30 minutes are spent recovering the ring, people in suits and dresses digging through the gutter XD