this post was submitted on 23 Apr 2025
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[–] markovs_gun@lemmy.world 183 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (7 children)

Bible stories are the same way, we've just heard them a million times so they don't seem weird

"Hey Jesus what toppings do you want for pizza?"

"Plain with cheese"

Later the disciples are eating pizza with Jesus

""Hey Jesus why did you say you like cheese pizza when you normally order pepperoni?"

"You dumb fucks how dare you not understand my hidden meaning, I am the true pizza and you are the pepperoni, the grease is my blood"

"Oh of course, sorry boss"

[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 55 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

"Jesus... when you say 'get me off this fucking cross, so help me God'... is that a test? Or should we actually get you off the cross?"

( More ranting and screaming and moaning )

The disciples nod wisely at their leader's self-sacrifice for... their sins maybe? And he will always be immortal in their hearts, because they've already eaten him or something.

The disciples go home, wiser and holier and warily eyeing each other in confirmation of the deeper meaning behind their saviour's last words: "Guys, please, I'm not fucking around, get me down, please, I'm so fucking thirsty.... Jesus fucking christ"

[–] olafurp@lemmy.world 27 points 2 months ago (2 children)

In response to calling a prophet bald:

"So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths." -New King James bible, 2 Kings 2:24

This is the real way to turn the other cheek

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[–] Ostrakon@lemmy.world 12 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Its almost like nonsensical parables are a recurring theme in religions in general and we shouldn't be assuming a bunch of mystical morons from a thousand years ago knew any better.

[–] chaogomu@lemmy.world 15 points 2 months ago (1 children)

A lot of the "nonsensical" comes from translation issues.

You're not a Hebrew farmer living in the middle east 2000 years ago, and the parable has been translated from ancient Hebrew to Greek, then to Latin, then finally into English.

The same goes for buddhist parables

I've read that some of these parables originally had clever word play.

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[–] Gullible@sh.itjust.works 127 points 2 months ago (4 children)

I think I can explain. In Buddhism, you have to understand if he didn’t the last into the pizza, but from where I stand it simply is. I hope that helps.

[–] Yuki@kutsuya.dev 70 points 2 months ago (3 children)
[–] EfreetSK@lemmy.world 111 points 2 months ago (1 children)

If you have to ask, then you don't know

[–] SmackemWittadic@lemmy.world 16 points 2 months ago

!aneurysmposting@sopuli.xyz

[–] drolex@sopuli.xyz 25 points 2 months ago

The fool asks 'What?'

The wise man interjects 'What'

The enlightened silently nods and thinks 'WTAF'

[–] lessthanluigi@lemmy.sdf.org 12 points 2 months ago

Induction technique

[–] SeekPie@lemm.ee 40 points 2 months ago

I suddenly feel enlightened.

[–] ddash@lemmy.dbzer0.com 19 points 2 months ago (1 children)
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[–] conditional_soup@lemm.ee 102 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (3 children)

My favorite Buddhist tale is that of the Chinese monk Birdsnest, so called because he always hung out in a tree.

Now, Birdsnest was famous and highly regarded, and a governor heard of him and decided to seek him out. The governor travelled for days to reach birdsnest, and when he arrived, he asked "hey, birdsnest, what was it that all the Buddhas taught?" Basically, dude was asking for a one sentence summary of religion, like the famous tale of economic study resulting in the one sentence summary of "no such thing as a free lunch".

Birdsnest answered "Don't do bad things, only do good things."

The governor scoffed, and said "my three year old nephew knows that!"

"Easy enough for the three year old to understand," Birdsnest retorted, "but still very difficult for the sixty year old to do."

[–] FenderStratocaster@lemmy.world 42 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (4 children)

A monkey was in a tree above a river and plunged into it. He came out with a fish and scurried up a tree. Once safe in its branches he said to the fish, "Holy shit, good thing I was here. You were about to drown!"

Intention without awareness can be harmful.

Another one is the two monks.

Two monks are traveling. Their sect of Buddhism doesn't allow them to touch women. They came across a river and when they crossed it they saw a woman who capsized her canoe. The elder Monk swam to the woman and helped her to the shore. She hurt her leg so he carried her to the rest of her party.

Once they were traveling again, the younger monk continued to badger the elder Monk on why he thought it was okay to touch that woman. The elder Monk said, "I am no longer carrying that woman. Why do you insist on continuing to carry her?"

[–] conditional_soup@lemm.ee 16 points 2 months ago

I'd never heard the former, but I adore the latter. I also really enjoy the tale of the horse that came back.

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[–] Rusty@lemmy.ca 18 points 2 months ago

Highly regarded indeed.

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[–] latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zone 95 points 2 months ago (2 children)

The Buddhist Monk walks up to the hot dog vendor and says: "make me one with everything."

[–] zurohki@aussie.zone 82 points 2 months ago

The monk pays with a twenty, which the vendor pockets.

"Where's my change?"

"Change comes from within."

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[–] Hossenfeffer@feddit.uk 55 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Monk was passing through. Some villagers saw him pissing on a statue of Buddha so they grabbed their pitchforks and went to pitchfork him. "Show me where Buddha is not, and I shall piss there." said the monk.

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[–] pickman_model@sh.itjust.works 48 points 2 months ago (1 children)

are they just trying to fuck with white people?

Not just white people, but people in general.

[–] zout@fedia.io 25 points 2 months ago (4 children)
[–] Natanael@infosec.pub 11 points 2 months ago
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[–] RedFrank24@lemmy.world 46 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (7 children)

Isn't Buddhism at least partially about a lack of desire? Buddha is enlightened, meaning he has no desires, therefore if you asked him what he wanted on his pizza, he'd be like "Eh, whatever's fine"

[–] PineRune@lemmy.world 22 points 2 months ago

I am enlightened.

[–] Ramblingman@lemmy.world 19 points 2 months ago (2 children)

I think it's more about attachment. We suffer because we get attached to feelings, desire, etc. When we should realize, those, along with most things, are ephemeral, or "not real". I don't think it is that Buddhist can't have desire or are indifferent, but that they strive for lack of attachment. That's probably a gross oversimplification and, like most religions, there are many different sects.

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[–] sunflowercowboy@feddit.org 14 points 2 months ago

Lack of desire is a metaphysical control of your realm, essentially by not wanting, you cannot truly be hurt.

The physical path is about actualizing your body through routine use. Meditation for example usually had physical exercise as that allows your breathing to take a dominant part in your brain, regardless of thoughts.

One of the coolest ways of mastering the metaphysical realm is through imagination, as some buddhist sects just imagine a holy land.

Anyways, he'd probably dislike a meat supreme.

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[–] MDCCCLV@lemmy.ca 38 points 2 months ago (7 children)

The hungry tiger jataka is my favorite

"One day, the Bodhisattva and one of his disciples decided to take a stroll in the forest nearby. This had become a regular practice. They often went for strolls.

While they were walking, the Bodhisattva notices something extremely terrifying. He saw a tigress, which looked weak and hungry. The tigress was about to devour her own cubs. Now, that moved the Bodhisattva’s heart. He did not want the poor animal to suffer the guilt of eating her own cubs. So, he came up with an idea.

He sent his disciple back to do something. The Bodhisattva had decided that he would offer himself as food to the starving tigress. He simply could not let her eat her cubs. And he knew if his disciple had seen this, he would definitely stop the Bodhisattva from offering himself. You may also like to read, The Tiger And The Golden Bangle.

After the disciple is gone, the Bodhisattva approached the tigress. With the utmost compassion in his heart and no malice, he let the tigress devour him. The tigress ate him and fed the cubs as well. After a while, the disciple returned. When he saw the Bodhisattva’s blood stained clothes, he realized what had happened.

He knew the Bodhisattva well. So, he knew the hermit had offered himself to save the tigress. He went back and told his fellow disciples of the Bodhisattva’s sacrifice out of love and compassion. "

[–] Transtronaut@lemmy.blahaj.zone 25 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I think I figured out why Bodhisattvas went extinct.

[–] ryedaft@sh.itjust.works 13 points 2 months ago

Nah, they just get reborn. Like, ping

The problem is that tigers have a taste for Bodhisattvas now.

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[–] BarbecueCowboy@lemmy.dbzer0.com 38 points 2 months ago (3 children)

Zen koans are basically ancient memes.

[–] stringere@sh.itjust.works 20 points 2 months ago (9 children)

Ryokan, a Zen master, lived the simplest kind of life in a little hut at the foot of a mountain. One evening a thief visited the hut only to discover there was nothing to steal.

Ryokan returned and caught him. "You have come a long way to visit me," he told the prowler, "and you should not return empty-handed. Please take my clothes as a gift."

The thief was bewildered. He took the clothes and slunk away.

Ryoken sat naked, watching the moon. "Poor fellow," he mused, "I wish I could have given him this beautiful moon."

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[–] steeznson@lemmy.world 35 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Before enlightenment, shitpost daily

After enlightenment, daily shitpost

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[–] Phen@lemmy.eco.br 33 points 2 months ago (15 children)

Buddhism's "Life sucks? Be nice and die and you'll get a better one" sucks but it's still better than "you should be nice to others, but that's too much to ask so go be as awful as you want and just regret it later and that'll be fine". But even that was better than whatever the fuck people are interpreting from religions these days.

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[–] Thcdenton@lemmy.world 32 points 2 months ago (1 children)

It is better to cum in the sink than to sink in the cum

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[–] Allero@lemmy.today 31 points 2 months ago (34 children)

I felt a bit sympathetic to Buddhism up to the point when I actually visited a Buddhist temple and listened to the speeches of monks.

The amount of brain rot disguised as wisdom has made me feel Christianity ain't that bad after all.

Sorry in advance to any Buddhist out there, but it struck me how the common perception of it differs from the actual thing.

[–] pineapplelover@lemm.ee 27 points 2 months ago (1 children)

It depends really. I grew up Buddhist and things were chill. Speeches I heard at temple were just telling us to be good people, be nice to people no matter their race or gender stuff like that, don't do harm to people or animals.

Even Abrahamic religions have good and bad spiritual leaders, some are cult like and others are just trying to get people to have decent morals.

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[–] drre@feddit.org 24 points 2 months ago

Late to the party, and no offence to buddhism, but i always loved this quote from Terry Pratchett

“Master, what is the difference between a humanistic, monastic system of belief in which wisdom is sought by means of an apparently nonsensical system of questions and answers, and a lot of mystic gibberish made up on the spur of the moment?"

Wen considered this for some time, and at last said: "A fish!"

And Clodpool went away, satisfied.” ― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

(copies the quote from https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/46982-thief-of-time?page=2 but i'm rather sure its correct, so i didn't check my copy).

[–] FenderStratocaster@lemmy.world 20 points 2 months ago (5 children)

That's like saying, "I used to be a fan of pizza until I had one in Altoona, PA."

There's better pizza out there.

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[–] superkret@feddit.org 16 points 2 months ago (4 children)

I kinda lost my interest in Buddhism when I learnt that according to traditional Buddhist lore, women can't reach Nirvana.
When they've collected enough good karma, they are reborn as a man.

[–] Cordyceps@sopuli.xyz 13 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I mean aint that different from what the old testament teaches. Not saying the choice is between Christianity and Buddhism, but I'd assume most religions have patriarchy vibes baked into them. Not that I agree with religion, I see them all as means of various levels of crowd control for the masses, and somebody trying to benefit from it, be it a spiritual leader or an orange clown.

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[–] thirtyfold8625@thebrainbin.org 28 points 2 months ago (7 children)

There are things that cannot be communicated by reading alone.

Zen is said to be based on a "special transmission outside scriptures"

I suspect that actually looking at someone (preferably while you're together in the same room) lets you understand things better.

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[–] Aganim@lemmy.world 24 points 2 months ago (2 children)

If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago.

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[–] finitebanjo@lemmy.world 13 points 2 months ago (4 children)

One story that stands out to me is there were these warriors who fought a hundred dudes consecutively and then one guy who fought 100 of those warriors consecutively and then Buddha killed him instantly.

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