this post was submitted on 20 Jun 2025
215 points (99.5% liked)

Not The Onion

17350 readers
1354 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
all 39 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] OmegaLemmy@discuss.online 32 points 1 month ago (3 children)

30 thousand euros worth? Where are they sold?

[–] remon@ani.social 38 points 1 month ago (4 children)
[–] moody@lemmings.world 11 points 1 month ago

These guys were THIRSTY!

[–] Regrettable_incident@lemmy.world 7 points 1 month ago (2 children)

If only there was a vegan alternative.

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

you may not have any of my flower semen.

edit: no that's mean take a teensy piece

[–] F04118F@feddit.nl 1 points 1 month ago

Veganism implies consent.

Do I need to spell it out for you how to get a load in a vegan way or can you figure it out?

[–] Captain_Baka@feddit.org 5 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Kinda looks like milk, so maybe they were thirsty?

[–] RedstoneValley@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 month ago

Taking a bath in style

[–] JustARaccoon@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

Other farms for insemination, my guess. I'd imagine they're for specific breeds.

[–] phutatorius@lemmy.zip 1 points 1 month ago

There are online marketplaces for it.

[–] TwoBeeSan@lemmy.world 19 points 1 month ago

The pedigrees of steers is a world unto itself. I've heard stories of people who were in the business getting wined and dined by governments. Bizarre but pretty interesting.

[–] Regrettable_incident@lemmy.world 11 points 1 month ago (2 children)

How much volume is 30k of bull spunk? I'm thinking it must be at least a bucket full.

[–] k0e3@lemmy.ca 8 points 1 month ago

The official unit is bull-kkake.

[–] PhoreTwunny@lemmy.world 11 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Image the culprits, suspected to be fuck-goofs

[–] QuantumSparkles@sh.itjust.works 6 points 1 month ago (2 children)
[–] PhoreTwunny@lemmy.world 6 points 1 month ago

He's a twiggy alien that's severely allergic to dogs

[–] phutatorius@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 month ago
[–] RIPandTERROR@sh.itjust.works 11 points 1 month ago

One man's cum is another man's income

[–] FauxLiving@lemmy.world 10 points 1 month ago

Is nothing sacred?

[–] QuentinCallaghan@sopuli.xyz 10 points 1 month ago (3 children)

Why there are no movies about sperm bank robberies?

[–] Viking_Hippie@lemmy.dbzer0.com 9 points 1 month ago

Probably because the actual plot would be nowhere near exciting enough to compensate for the draconian restrictions enforced by ratings agencies for daring to mention human reproduction 🤷

[–] hakunawazo@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago

Wasn't that one plot point of Man of Steel?

[–] sudneo@lemm.ee 1 points 1 month ago

There is Brassic episode about stealing bull sperm (although from a farm, not a bank).

I think it's S3e01

[–] RizzoTheSmall@lemm.ee 9 points 1 month ago (1 children)

How do you fence 30k of cow spunk?

[–] phutatorius@lemmy.zip 1 points 1 month ago

I don't know, but once I was flying business class and the guy next to me had a liquid-nitrogen flask full of prize-winning brahma bull spooge. According to the guy, couriers like that are well-compensated. Made my work seem meaningful in comparison.

[–] Treczoks@lemmy.world 6 points 1 month ago

Do they plan to make Red Bull?

[–] Rolive@discuss.tchncs.de 5 points 1 month ago

Finally, bull milk!

[–] thelittleerik@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago

New Jackass Episode???

[–] BenLeMan@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago

Prost Mahlzeit!

[–] Witchfire@lemmy.world 4 points 1 month ago

My milkshake brings all the bulls to the yard

[–] omgboom@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 1 month ago

Creamy and delicious

[–] Magnum@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 1 month ago (1 children)
[–] instantnudel@feddit.org 3 points 1 month ago (1 children)
[–] Magnum@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Well it's a little obvious don't you think? Who else would be able to handle this absurd amount of semen? Also what would an average person do with it? Exactly. Only a person that craves the seed like we crave for oxygen would do it. Somebody that literally breaths fresh life (because of semen)

Do you have any reason (or alibi) why it should not be you?

[–] phutatorius@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 month ago

"Quick, spit it into this thermos!"

[–] Widdershins@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

The barrel was probably mistaken for Nuclear Bloom

[–] WhatYouNeed@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

Did no one see this coming?