this post was submitted on 08 Oct 2025
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I bet this sounds like a stupid question - especially coming from a man. However, NoStupidQuestions doesn’t allow NSFW topics, so here I am - bear with me.

I genuinely don’t know what this feels like from the inside. I see so many men go to extreme lengths to chase women - sometimes even risking their careers or relationships just to get laid. Some are literally willing to pay for it. I don’t get it. What does that pull actually feel like?

I’m not judging - I’m trying to understand. I only know what it looks like from the outside, but I have no idea what it’s like on the inside. I’ve had sex multiple times, and it’s fine, but it seems vastly overrated to me. Clearly, I’m not getting out of it what most other men are, so I’m trying to understand the baseline experience.

My motivation for asking is that I’m working on myself and hoping that, eventually, I’ll be able to feel even a fraction of that same pull. However, with things like lifting weights, I at least have a clear image in mind of what I’m working toward - but it’s harder to define that when it comes to subjective experiences.

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[–] SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 6 points 2 days ago

Every time you try to focus on anything besides wanting to cum your brain redirects you to that desire.

It takes some mental control to stay focused when the horny flares up.

Even if you masterbate, it usually only subsides for a few hours before the intrusive thoughts start popping up again.

The intensity of the feeling died down a lot after puberty was done with me.

[–] paultimate14@lemmy.world 11 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I think I agree with your sentiment that sex is overrated. I quite enjoy it, but the way it is portrayed in media is usually more extreme than my own feelings and those of men around me.

I remember when I was around 16-18. I started to diet and exercise, was on the tail end of puberty in my physical prime and drenched in hormones. Went to high school and was surrounded by people my own age experiencing the same. Culture and marketing leads to high school girls constantly fighting with the adults and dress codes to wear skimpier, tighter clothing. I had my first girlfriend and we were both excited to start messing around. And there's a philosophical component- why do we exist? We are a repeating pattern (DNA) that exists not for a reason, but because it can. Life that does not procreate dies, so in a sense procreation is the most life-y thing you can possibly do.

At the same time, I knew better. I was lucky to have sex education and not be in a very religious household. A couple of friends, and my first girlfriend, were victims of sexual assault. I had seen other men succumb to their desires, ruin their own lives, hurt people around them. Not to mention the very real threats of pregnancy and disease. So even while my physiology craved it and my philosophy guided me towards it, my mind pumped the brakes.

The physiology waned as I got older. Or perhaps just distracted with college and work, maintaining an apartment and then a house. My energy was directed elsewhere. My wife and I quickly settled on having sex roughly once a week.

About a year ago though, we created a polycule with another couple. It was really hard for me to keep up at first. I would have to watch my nutrition- make sure I don't overwat or ear heavy and greasy foods beforehand. Make sure I was working out and physically active in general, but not a full workout right before or else my muscles would be too tired. Mentally, I would have to start purposefully thinking about sex for several hours beforehand to make sure I was in the right headspace and ready to perform. The past 3 months have been suddenly dry due to just calendar issues and some minor medical procedures in the group, so I've found myself in this routine of trying to be horny and keep up but suddenly without the payoff of it. I also have a touch of the 'tism and really like predictable routines and long-term planning while the other 3 people are bi-polar or severe ADHD, and they all seem to have little issue with going from cozy to horny almost instantly.

The actual feeling of horniness I think is similar to most other biological functions. Being hungry or thirsty or sleepy, needing to urinate or defecate. I view it similarly, ideally on a roughly 2-4 day cycle. Ejaculation, which leads to a period of post-nut clarity and calmness that slowly fades over a couple days. I'd find it difficult to get hard for a couple hours after, and difficult to cum again for at least 6, more like 24 hours after. By day 4 I noticed I start to get a little bit more irritable, a little bit more stressed out by little things. Longer than that and sexual thoughts start to interrupt my normal thoughts processes. Blue balls is real too. I know some men exaggerate the affect to manipulate women into sex, and some women have started to think blue balls isn't real, but the reality is that it's real minor inconvenience that I try to avoid.

The Wolf of Wall Street scene where they talk about masturbating multiple times a day is hyperbole, but not entirely inaccurate. I think there's a lot of value to a quick, utilitarian jack off for some cheap stress relief and clarity. Having sex with others is fun, but people obsess over it too much in my opinion.

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 5 points 2 days ago (3 children)

Ejaculation, which leads to a period of post-nut clarity and calmness that slowly fades over a couple days.

Yours lasts for days? I'm lucky if I can get a couple hours out of it.

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[–] Venus_Ziegenfalle@feddit.org 14 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.
MUST. BUST.

[–] Wildmimic@anarchist.nexus 11 points 2 days ago (1 children)

For me, it feels urgent, like when i've not eaten the whole day and my blood sugar hits the point where you start shaking. And when i'm in a sexual situation, i feel approved, closeness, intimacy; there's nothing in the world that makes me feel loved and accepted as much as physical contact with someone i allow coming close to me. Hmm, might explain why i absolutely hate touchy people, the ones who touch your shoulder when talking to you are awful.

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[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 7 points 2 days ago

It's like a drug. Like when you're around a person you're attracted to and they'll say or do something that triggers shot of chemicals to your brain and all you can think about is how to get more of that feeling, which sucks if it wasn't intentional on their part and they're not interested in you because now you have to fight against basically a drugged state to shut that shit down while trying to be normal around them. Jerking off produces the same feeling but there's something missing that makes it less satisfying than being with another person.

[–] EfreetSK@lemmy.world 12 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (2 children)

I can't answer because I have it exactly the same as you OP, just maybe to add some points. As you said, I remember seeing my friends having this incredible drive, this incredible pull, like nothing in the world is more important right here right now than to get that girl tonight. Lying, backstabbing, spending money, anything goes. It was to the point they basically changed personalities almost completely. I remember the worst example was that one time one of my best friends tried to ridicule me in front of a girl he met like 30 min ago (and I saw he's immediately interested in her), because me and her were chatting about something and she seemed interested in the topic. I was like "dude wtf? I'm not trying to 'steal her' from you, we're just talking"

But anyway, some 2 cents what helped me with that. So I did 2 things at almost the same time and I'm not sure which one did the trick - I started exercising (running) and stopped masturbating. But my guess is it was the later, after like a month I felt like I could 'smell the colors' - I was constantly horny and my shyness went almost completely away. The pull still wasn't on the level of my friends, but yeah, there was a change in me

[–] SatansMaggotyCumFart@piefed.world 14 points 2 days ago (6 children)

I’ve never seen nofap advice given in good faith.

[–] Perspectivist@feddit.uk 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I’m skeptical of the whole nofap idea - at least in the “never masturbate again” sense - because the scientific consensus seems to be that masturbation is fine, even beneficial, in moderation. Porn, however, is a different story. It might be more like alcohol: objectively harmful even in moderation, but in practice the negative effects are negligible for most moderate users. You could even make an argument that it has some situational upsides. But there are also people who clearly develop real issues with it - where it starts to affect their lives in negative ways. When it comes to porn, I’m one of those people.

Now, if I stop masturbating, that automatically means I’ve quit porn too - and it’s very possible I’ll see an improvement in my life satisfaction as a result. I can see how someone might then turn into a nofap advocate, but I think the risk there is misattributing the cause. The problem probably isn’t masturbation itself - it’s porn.

I’ve quit both for now, but I do plan to start masturbating again at some point. Porn, though, I’m not sure I should even try to moderate. For me, that’s like an addict saying they’ll only try a little heroin.

[–] foggenbooty@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago (9 children)

Wait, you're not certain what horniness feels like, but you consider yourself somewhat of a porn addict? Now I need YOU to explain how you feel :P

I've read through most of the comments here and many of them ring true to me. Especially this one: https://lemmy.ca/comment/19383774

I am that pervert. Not outwardly, but inside my head? Yeah. Sex is on my mind often, and I use porn as an outlet to kindle and experience those urges when it wouldn't otherwise be appropriate. I've started taking ADHD meds and a lot of that day to day horniness has gone away, simply because my mind isn't idle as often, and when it's idle or bored that's when it reaches for the junk food: lust. Porn (or sex), when I'm in that state, is the most interesting thing in the world. I could, and do, watch it for an hour or more to draw out the experience because sexual energy is so mental for me. It's what makes kinks so attractive because sex becomes a mind game.

So, with that aside, can you explain to me what exactly you find attractive about porn to the point you think it might be an impediment, if you don't feel really horny? My GF has a low libido and as a result she rarely watches porn, so I'm not sure how the two mix. She also enjoys orgasms, but doesn't seek them, and when she does watch porn to get off she does it quickly and doesn't really relish it. She definitely doesn't have an addiction, but maybe you can still help me better understand her, and other perspectives a little better. Because yeah, in my mind porn has always equaled horny.

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[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 3 points 2 days ago

I've done NNN a couple times and found the "benefits" to be pretty minor. It did make me more aggressive and outgoing but that started after a few days and leveled off quickly and by the end of it I was practically foaming at the mouth anytime anything remotely sexy happened which was really annoying.. So if jerking too much is dulling your edge maybe cut back to every few days but otherwise I don't see what all the fuss is about.

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[–] Perspectivist@feddit.uk 4 points 2 days ago

You quit masturbating or porn and masturbating? If it's the latter, then how do you know masturbating was the issue?

[–] scytale@piefed.zip 9 points 2 days ago

It’s hard…

[–] MyDarkestTimeline01@ani.social 10 points 2 days ago

I feel like there's multiple answers to your question and none of them are going to completely satisfy you(ba-dum-tiss)

First and easiest, is addiction. While it's been overused as an excuse for bad behavior some people become absolutely addicted to sex. From the chase to the event. Could be they enjoy conquering or being conquered. And you can't discount the absolute flood of feel good chemicals that go on while the event does. And still there are others who are just addicted to that level of intimate connection with another living human being.

Then we have the psychological and romantic viewpoint that often comes with it. The idea of being desired and desiring. Of being wanted and wanting. And that's a potent psychological trigger for a lot of people. And then on a deeper level you've got that some people this is the most intimate they'll ever be with another person and that's something they don't get to feel very often So when the opportunity or presents itself they want to do that.

And lastly you just have a biological imperative in a lot of people. For some of us are hardwiring screams a lot louder than it does for other people.

[–] Kyrgizion@lemmy.world 10 points 2 days ago (3 children)

I suppose I was pretty horny as a teen. Had most of my life's sex from 16-19. After that my interest waned, and I likewise never really understood why so many people seem willing to throw away their lives for 5 minutes of pleasure. There's more free porn out there than you could watch in a lifetime.

Taking ssri's since my early twenties probably didn't exactly help my libido, but everything still works at the very least.

[–] MyDarkestTimeline01@ani.social 10 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] Kyrgizion@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. A class of antidepressants. Although I've since graduated to SNRI's and tricyclics.

[–] MyDarkestTimeline01@ani.social 9 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Ah. Sounds rough man. You doing ok? I'm sure you're not golden, but more ups than downs hopefully.

[–] Kyrgizion@lemmy.world 9 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I got fired from my 10-yr job this week, so I've been better lol. Relationship-wise, I'm blessed with a very understanding partner, so I consider myself rich in that regard.

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[–] sturlabragason@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago

Closest analogy I can think of is hunger, only I am more motivated to satisfy one than the other. Guess which.

[–] AuroraZzz@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

I can answer this one pretty definitely as I have been on both hormones. Being in a horny spiral as a man has the same pull as being in an emotional spiral as a woman. It's hard to get out of until you fuck/interact with someone that makes you feel better. Men are just as emotional as women, but only with fucking, fighting, fleeing, and feeding (the parts of the brain that testosterone stimulates). Women are just as emotional as men, but with all of the other emotions that men don't usually have to deal with

[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 5 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (2 children)

Well, it's hard sometimes.

Imagine being hungry, but instead of wanting food, you want to put your dick in something and instead of your stomach feeling pain, it's your balls.

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[–] dumbass@aussie.zone 6 points 2 days ago (3 children)

I've never been inside of a man yet, so I can't answer your question, sorry.

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[–] Acamon@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago

Sex can be fun, but tbh a lot of it is pretty underwhelming, especially if you don't understand each other, put in some effort or have good chemistry. When my partner and I are on holiday or have lots of free time we often have sex three or four times a day. But that's not because it's always mind-blowing, most of the time it's just a fun thing to do together.

The 'horny man' thing is a bit different. There's a kinda of arousal and drive that isn't really about the objective fun of sex, but the sense of pursuit. There's people I've slept with where the specific sextime wasn't necessarily amazing, but I had a huge crush on them and the feeling of satisfaction from finally hooking up was amazing. For me, that's usually pretty innocent "oh wow, I didn't know they liked me!" , but for some guys it's about perceived status in quite a douchey Andrew Tate kinda way.

There's also the genuine instinctual drive aspect. Times where I've not had sex in a while, and been thinking about it a lot (like visiting a long distance partner) it can make me pretty crazy. Especially if you do edging or orgasam denial, you can end up in a pretty delirious place. When that has built up for a while I definitely get to the stage where I will do super reckless things just to get release. For me, that's never a big problem because I only get in that state through choice, if I'm not planning on having sex with my partner I'll just jerk off and the urgency is gone. But the experience has given me a bit of understanding of why men sometimes do terrible and destructive things because of sex. I can literally feel my brain shutting down, and all sense of consequences disappearing.

[–] Eyekaytee@aussie.zone 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Something like this:

The Simpsons - Homer gives Bart advice on women

https://youtu.be/ToTRAhmnxls?t=35

[–] Deceptichum@quokk.au 1 points 1 day ago

Heads up, the OP (ikt/eyekaytee) is extremely racist towards Aboriginal Australians and Muslims, as well as being a Zionist who supports the genocide in Gaza.

[–] fossilesque@mander.xyz 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] Perspectivist@feddit.uk 6 points 2 days ago

I wouldn't mind certain things changing.

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