Dull Men's Club

Just trying is a good first step. You don't need to finish it. Just try and see how it goes.

Maybe try to spend time in your car just sitting. Then getting comfortable with your seat position. Then put things around your car to get some imagination of your actual blindspots. Then maybe driving and practicing in empty parking lots.

Then when you're actually comfortable maybe get a good instructor who can spend time with you and get you comfortable on the road.

If it's not your thing. Then it's not your thing. That's cool too.

Also, if you can talk to a therapist. They can give you some good exercises to calm you down and put things into perspective.

Same advice as for anything I guess, start small/easy and work your way up.

Familiarize yourself with all the controls of the vehicle, maybe read the manual if that won't make your anxiety worse. You don't want to be fumbling for a button when you're driving.

Stay off the freeway if you can until you're more familiar. Practice during non-busy times on non-busy roads.

Don't be afraid to pull over and take a breather, especially if someone is tailgating you or something. Don't let stress make decisions for you on the road. For example, If you are waiting for a safe opening to turn, don't let the pressure of the line stacking up behind you force you into an unsafe scenario. Be patient.

Don't be polite, be predictable!

If you see a ball roll into the street, there's going to be a child right after it, be ready to stop.

My dad, for all of his faults, was an excellent driving instructor. In fact that is probably one of the only situations I can think of where he always kept his cool. It didn't matter if I made a minor mistake or scared the shit out of him. He would very calmly tell me what I did wrong and that it was ok to make mistakes.

When I taught my oldest to drive, I approached it the same way. She is a pretty anxious person in general and is absolutely terrified of driving. But, she is actually a very safe and competent driver. It took her 8 attempts (that is not a misprint) to pass the written permit test so don't feel too bad about that.

I think the keys (no pun intended) to being a good driver are:

• Driving defensively. Trust no one. There are a ton of idiots out there who think they alone have the right to use the road. Let 'em pass. It's better to be alive than to die defending your right of way. Assume no one else can see you and be captain obvious about everything you do. Trust no one.

• Recognizing that driving is like 90% done by feel. You need to be comfortable in the driver's seat. By "comfortable" I mean all the important stuff is easily within reach and you have good visibility without having to move around a lot. If this is a problem due to your height then a different, probably smaller, vehicle is in order.

• Look where you want to go. A mistake beginners often make is looking at the road right in front of them when they should be looking quite a ways up the road. It sounds counter intuitive but your brain is remarkably good at using peripheral vision to keep you on course. This will make your driving much smoother and keep you from weaving back and forth.

• Practice, practice, practice. You will get better at it but you're going to have to practice. Find some place where there isn't a lot of traffic at first. Drive at your level of experience. Don't try to tackle 10 lane highways if you don't think you're ready for it.

• Panic internally. React externally. Remember I said 90% of driving is done by feel? Knowing how to calmly respond to certain situations and practicing so those responses become automatic habits may save your life. Example: I live in a very hilly area where it snows a whole twice a year but I grew up where it snows a lot so I'm familiar with how to drive on it. Every time we get snow, the ditch going into town will be lined with cars of people who hit a slick spot, panicked, smashed the brakes, and went flying off the road. If I hit a slick spot and start sliding, I'm still going to panic a little. What I'm NOT going to do is touch the brake pedal. I'm going to take my foot off the gas and counter steer to bring the vehicle back under control. I don't even think about it. It's just sort of an automatic reflex. And it's a reflex because I've been practicing that maneuver for 20 years.

You can do this. If my 17 year old, who is afraid of absolutely everything, can be a good driver, you can be a good driver. I believe in you. When you mess up, and you will, don't beat yourself up. Just imagine old J.T. Cornpone from Lemmy is sitting there right next to you and telling you, "It's alright but let's try not to do that next time."

Others have good advice. But my advice is literally to just go do it (without your family in the car). Pick a place to go and drive there, just on slow neighborhood streets if need be. Just racking up hours behind the wheel is gonna be 90% of the solution.

I had a driving instructor who was specialised in people with fear for driving. He actually helped me manage the anxiety while driving. Maybe it's a good idea to find someone like that and take a few lessons? It's very common to take lessons again after not having driven for a long time.

I really recommend a defensive driving course. You are able to learn with a professional on a closed circuit with controlled conditions and are able to be 1000% safe in being able to test the your limits and learn without any fear of failure or harm. They get plenty of people that are really a wreck behind a wheel and slowly you start to gain confidence and all the things getting in your head and in the way of simply driving become more second nature because of the atmosphere and setup.

With the things you learn, however little, driving in a road with other cars becomes something you see from a different perspective, a lot of what paralyses you will fall away because you have so much more experience with just driving a car and you will be able to focus on the basics like driving straight and behind other cars within the limits of the rules of the road. If not, at the very least you will find a new passion for vehicles off the road and on a track. It is worth all the money and more and very much a compliment to any traditional driving schools or instructors as it’s putting you IN control.

Sounds to me like you just need a smaller car that can enable you to see better. That helps a lot with confidence.

I wouldn't be comfortable driving my compact SUV without reversing cameras. Hell, I use the cameras even when parking wherever.

After almost 40 years of driving I still feel panicky in some situations. Especially roads I don't know. Try driving around a large empty parking lot for a while. If you can get to one without having to drive on major roads, that is. Then try on quiet, empty back streets or a quiet neighbourhood. Practice those for a while and if you gain confidence, try quiet roads with a bit more traffic and see if you can slowly build up to busier roads.

If occupants shout at you in the car, the problem is them, not you.

I think you have a few moving pieces you're going to grapple with. It's going to be scary. It's supposed to be scary.

I think the biggest thing everyone needs to keep front of mind is that speed is relative. Yes, your car is rocketing along at 100. But the other traffic is going 105. 100 is fast compared to something that's not moving, but the other cars are going relatively quite slow to you. Try to keep that in mind if you feel a knee jerk reaction to react.

Figure out how you sit in the car before you do anything else. You might fiddle with it a bit, but in general, you should be sitting in a way that makes you as comfortable as possible before you even start the engine. I don't mean comfortable as in your back doesn't hurt - I mean you have a high level of confidence that you can see in every direction you reasonably should be able to. Is the seat still too low? Get a pillow to boost you up. My wife and mom both do this because they're too short to properly see out of regular cars.

Blind spots? Figure those out before you move the car, too. Sit in the driver's seat and adjust your mirrors the way you want them. Now either get a friend to stand outside the car and move around, or if you're alone just drop a few things on the ground around your car. Sit in the driver's seat and look where you see those things. Can't see them? What about if you do a shoulder check? Still no? Is it critical that you have clear line of sight to that exact spot? Probably not, but use your judgment.

If you're still getting comfortable driving, stay the fuck out of downtown, major highways, and busy parking lots. Don't do that to yourself. You should practice for months and build the muscle memory of "normal" driving before diving into high stress driving scenarios.

Struggling to determine distances, or whether there's enough time to make a left turn before that oncoming car hits you? That's sadly something you just need to develop yourself with practice. It took me months and months and months to get competent. A rule of thumb: if you see a car coming at you and you're not sure if you can turn in time, don't. Instead, starting counting seconds from when you would have turned. Making a left turn takes a couple of seconds. If you're counting past 10 seconds and that oncoming car still hasn't passed you, that gives you a good sense of how much cushion there is.

I'd also really, really recommend the show Canada's Worst Driver. It's a semi-documentary/game show that has shitty drivers go through driving boot camp. It's full of driving tips, great explanations of how a lot of the physics around driving tasks works, and the entertainment value of dumbasses ignoring what they were told and crashing into styrofoam walls. I really believe that there's a lot of content in that series that would help any driver, regardless of experience.

Good luck!

My mom got her license at 45 and didn't feel comfortable behind the wheel until she was at least in her mid 50s, so all I can say is congrats and don't worry, it should become more natural to you as time goes by. 👍

I hate driving...I used to think it was because I was afraid of other drivers and how unsafe it feels...but I got a bike and can cycle around fine...I think it is that a car feels harder to control, bulkier and doesn't let you just simply "stop everything" and take some time to cool down (with the bike, you can just stop by the wayside or the sidewalk and nobody will demand that you get out of the way).

So, maybe my suggestion if you really need to drive is...practice stopping/parking/cooling down out of the way to reassure yourself that all will be fine in a minute if you need to take a break.

PS: if anybody thinks this is bad advice, challenge it, because I'm brainstorming here.

Not really the same situation, but I got my driver's license at 43 years old. Leading up to me taking lessons, I was overthinking the whole process. So a few thoughts from that angle for the driving itself:

• take some refresher lessons with an instructor. For me it was reassuring to have a professional in the car. That should help you with the distance calculation bit.
• when you start driving on your own, try to avoid high stress situations. Like, avoid rush hour, take short trips on routes your familiar with.
• somewhat the opposite, but not really: take a road trip. Go somewhere quiet, into the country side. Gain familiarity and confidence.
• as you get more used to it, you'll find that it becomes more and more normal and less stressful.
• drive defensively. Leave space. If others butt in, let them and give them space.

For some other points you mentioned:

• get a cushion to raise you up if you can't adjust the seat height. I am average height and did that to get better visibility.
• blind spots are also car dependent. Are you tired to a specific car, or can you shop around, maybe for something smaller?

There is such good advice here. I'll add a little more.

Background: I've been driving for over 20 years. I used to do long distance drives (8+ hours daily), over mountain passes, fog, rain, snow, darkness, you name it.

Recently had some of the most stressful times in my life, and I've been having panic attacks behind the wheel. This was about 5 months ago, so I've worked my, way back to driving 4h in a day in city and on highway.

What really helped me get back to driving again was starting really slow. I used to be so afraid of even thinking about getting behind the wheel again, so I'd start by just sitting in it. Get comfortable and take as long as you need. Remember - you're in control. You control, not the car, not your panic. Self talk helped me a lot. Once you overcome this, you level up.

Next, I had my partner (find someone you trust who is going to support you not make fun or mock you) with me, and we would do short drives on a familiar route that didn't involve big streets or highways. This way, I can pull over at any time.

A little thing that did help me was a little heat pack in my pocket or lap. When I felt a panic attack threatening to come on, my hands get cold so I hold on to the heat pack. I'd also remember to breathe deep through my belly, because sometimes I realise I'm taking only shallow breaths through my chest only. My psychologist also mentioned that temperature helps, especially cold.. So maybe an ice pack wrapped in a towel on your lap might help too.

When we do our grocery drives, we take the same route all the time. He wouldn't ask me to drive, he would always assume that he's driving, and I'll ask when I'm ready. This support person shouldn't be pressuring you at all. You are in control.

Eventually, you get comfortable with the patterns, and you can slowly move up from that. I'm driving in my own again without heat packs or my partner beside me.

I'm not too sure about the height thing and what can be safely used, so I'm sorry I can't provide any suggestions. Someone did say a cushion, and I imagine there are things out there that strap securely to the seat and you'd be able to use safely.

It'll take a lot of time, but you can overcome your fears. I felt so helpless and hopeless when I first had to put my car keys down, but it feels so good to have a set of wheels again. It offers so much more freedom. The end goal is being comfortable and confident driving. You are stronger than you think. 💪

General advice: Forcing it rarely helps. Baby steps!

Driving advice based on the above: Get in your car. Turn the engine on. Move your car a meter forward or back. That's enough for today.

Then tomorrow (or some other day, no pressure) move it a bit further.

At some point you'll hopefully be comfortable taking it on the road. Do it in the middle of the night, or some other time with minimal traffic. You don't have to go far, you just have to experience driving on your own terms.

I hear most anxiety when it comes to driving isn't so much the act itself, but more to do with other drivers. My idea with the above is to make you at least be comfortable driving on your own, and hopefully you'll be able to ease into it with the few cars you may encounter.

And just for the record driving in heavy traffic is awful for experienced drivers too.

Playlist and a country road during the off hours. Alone.

I have a very hard time calculating distances because I'm very short and barely see above the wheel, I have to move the seat so close to the wheel that I fear that if one day the airbag jumps, I'll suffocate. My blind spots seem infinite.

Okay, so, you're not an older driver (like over 50), which is what these are intended for, but I also know some places are fine with fitting in younger drivers. Look for a program called CarFit. Like I said, it's mostly aimed at seniors, but I've taken it.

They verified all the safety features of the car were all working, and then adjusted them to fit me: they moved the seatbelt shoulder down (I didn't even know it moved!), adjusted the steering wheel angle so the airbag wouldn't punch me in the throat if it went off, verified the headrest was in the right position to minimize whiplash, ensured I had maximum visibility in my side mirrors and explained how to adjust them properly, etc. It was very useful!

I'd also suggest that some of your issues may be solvable with simple aids. A short woman I know has a cushion she sits on to improve her visibility over the wheel; I myself added small extra mirrors to my side mirrors, to improve visibility.

Finally, I did a quick Google for "tips for very short drivers subreddit" and there were a number of posts over the years, with various suggestions. None of them will help with your actual fear, but some of them may help put you in a position to cope with your fear. Good luck!

Good responses here already, just wanted to try and address the airbag concerns a little. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (part of the US Department of Transportation) has a page about them here but I'll pull some quotes:

(From the section about on/off switches)

There are few circumstances under which the risk of sitting in front of an active frontal air bag outweigh the safety benefits... [e.g.] A driver must sit within a few inches of the air bag, typically because she or he is of extremely small stature (i.e., 4 feet 6 inches or less).

(In the FAQ)

To minimize the potential of any air-bag-related injury, NHTSA still recommends keeping a 10-inch minimum between the air bag cover (in the center of the steering wheel for drivers and on the dashboard for the right front passenger) [and the driver's breastbone]

Maybe going out with a ruler / tape measure to see how much distance you have to work with will provide a little peace of mind. On the other hand, if you are short enough to qualify for the on/off switch exception (more info on the page linked above), that's something else to consider. If you're outside the USA, check your local laws to see if they have restrictions on airbag toggle switches and, if so, a way to get an exception similar to what's described by the NHTSA.

Many others here have good advice, but one of the things I’ll also mention is to do some practice with a friend in the parking lot. Have them stand in your blind spots and try to work with your mirrors to reduce them. Get used to driving around them at low speeds and they can call out to help you navigate.

Knowing the size of your vehicle is super helpful for managing it in traffic and knowing how close people actually are relative to your own car.

Another one is finding a large enough space that you can get your car going around 15-30 mph and do some hard steering and braking so you know how the car will react. You shouldn’t need to go much faster to get a good feel of how the cars suspension handles under load. If you can’t get comfortable making quick corrections in a controlled space, you won’t be prepared in an actual emergency.

Practice is everything and knowing your limits is just as important.

I hope you can overcome your past. But if not, there are options. I lived in car-centric LA on the bus/train. It can be done. Get the right place, with groceries/laundry nearby and that has a frequent train/bus line that takes you to work, and it's not bad. Certain placed have protected bike lanes that can be fun. Youll save money, compared to car payment, gas, insurance. And youll be healthier from walking more. It's not a bad life.

Find some very large empty parking lots to just mess around with. Put outs like paper bags or things that you can run over with your wheels, maybe some water balloons. Practice control and precision. If you find a open enough space there's no real risk

I remember the advice of "don't stare at the car in front of you" and "always keep your eyes moving" when I first started out and felt bad because I couldn't stop doing just that.

So I am going to say it's okay to be watching the road lines and the distance to the car in front of you. You will with time find your eyes flicking about watchfully but when you are a new driver, it is tough! So don't be hard on yourself if you find you keep doing those two things--- those two things are very important.

If you feel flustered, pull over and sit (safely! Use blinker!). Driving while hyperventilating or crying is no bueno for anyone (been there don't that). Try driving familiar places till those are second nature to you, then branch out to the city you live.

Once I passed, my family decided that I'd get over my fears by forcing me to drive, every single day, for weeks, with the whole family in the car, yelling, mocking me...

As I'm sure you're well aware, this is not only a massive dick move, but the worst way possible to "help" someone in your position learn. It's a training method I actively discourage at work, as someone who's nervous should be allowed to focus on the task at hand and not have to worry about making their trainer angry. I'm a quality inspector who directly observes and evaluates indivuals performing work, and I've found it's almost always best to back off and remain quiet unless a clear safety issue presents itself. I am utterly and completely baffled by their choices, that was an unforgivably stupid way to handle the situation, and I hope you're doing okay.

This is, as others have mentioned, a time to take things in small steps. Drive in off peak hours, small distances, and at average speeds until you build confidence. Adopt a mantra of "slow is smooth, and smooth is fast" as you develop skills and gain confidence in new situations. So long as you're not impeding traffic, you're under no obligation to meet or exceed the speed limit, tailgate, run yellow lights, or do any of the other bullshit things sloppy and impatient drivers often do. Worry about yourself and your car, drive defensively, and remember you aren't responsible for someone getting upset just because you drive safely.

This isn't exposure therapy for anxiety, and thrusting someone into a situation that makes them deeply uncomfortable never helps. Instead, think of it as practice and skill development. Confidence and reduced stress will build with time as patterns and skills are reinforced, but only if you develop your abilities at a natural pace instead of forcing the issue.

As someone who has always absolutely loved driving, I can only suggest harmless fun.

I prescribe a large gravel parking lot, and an afternoon ripping doughnuts.

Your post reminded me of a show late 2000s on A&E called Obsessed. Their first episode featured someone who suffered anxiety from driving and was helped through CBT.

I have pretty bad driving anxiety, not quite as bad as what you describe, but enough that I basically avoid driving as much as possible. I've been driving for ~10 years now, and it has not gotten better on its own. I think your best option is to talk to a counselor if you need to drive

I finally got my license at 27. I HATED driving, found it difficult to multitask and just the constant adrenaline made me miserable.

I got over it because I had to after moving too far away from work to continue commuting by bike. At first I stuck to driving short, known routes. It eventually becomes muscle memory and the anxiety will lessen. I just wanted to let you know you can do it. It will suck but you’ll get there.