Autism

Honestly, if someone gets butthurt if I say I don’t like certain music, that’s a them problem. People tie their identities very strongly to their music preferences and they sometimes take it as an assault on their character. What you said in this case was a valid observation and I don’t think you should assume any responsibility for their reaction.

But if you’re trying to learn to be more diplomatic, something like a simple, “eh, that’s not really my thing,” gets the point across just fine. It’s an “I” statement which avoids putting people on the defensive. Works for just about anything.

In this case, it was being tired of classic rock from a lifetime of overexposure.

I would have said something like "I mean they call it classic for a reason, but I'm burned out on the same 100 songs all the time." That way you're acknowledging that their preference is valid, which is what they really want. Although I actually would have monologued for twenty minutes about Blue Oyster Cult and all their awesome songs that aren't Don't Fear the Reaper and Godzilla.

This is funny because I am drawn to people that just come out and say their outspoken and blunt opinions (about relatively safe topics, music is def fair game!).

I perceive it as very genuine and demonstrates comfortability/closeness.

Maybe that’s the flip side of this coin though!

Conversation have a flow, and sequence of performances from each participant. Saying "I'm tired of classic rock" is a stop point for the conversation. If you use this wording you are not making a space for their next response.

Instead you could consider saying something more like "I'm not really into classic rock, do you have anything else?" Or even more directly just add "Do you have anything else?" to the end of your original statement. If you close the conversation around classic rock but open a new one about another genre or a request for their other preferences the conversation can go forward.

That said, this is all masking. If you are not interested in maintaining that relationship it may be more trouble than it is worth then ending things there may work for you. If someone required that level of emotional work from my end but did not reciprocate by adopting strategies that worked with me I would feel it was pretty unfair and not really worth my time. Being flexible and kind is something that should be reciprocal, not one sided. Masking costs you something and you not masking costs them something. Meeting them half way may make sense, but it may also be pointless if they won't actually meet you there.

And, yes, that is Peter fucking Frampton.

Reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPciCqzM8_A

In a conversation where we are talking about our respective preferences, I wouldn't find such a comment offputting. Outside that context, I might wonder what you want me to do with that information. And especially when such a comment seems to come out of nowhere, it can come across as entitled or selfish in the "I'm the main character" vein.

If you can state your preference without intending to declare it superior to my preference, then I find little to criticize about it. If you don't intend to imply that my liking what you dislike is somehow wrong, then I don't mind.

Stating this kind of preference boldly could be interpreted as trying to be authoritative on the subject, and especially in matters of taste, your opinion is no more valid than anyone else's, nor is it any more important. You might not intend it that way, but I could easily imagine a listener interpreting you that way.

To answer your question more directly, stating a preference somewhat tentatively or meekly can convey an appropriate amount of humility. That tends to make it safer. As with most of these situations, the more your listeners already trust you, the more boldness you can safely get away with.

I hope this helps you somehow. Peace.

People talk about things they like, partially because they trust you to open up about them and partially because they're trying to relate. It's not really the same as responding to bland food, (unless bland food is your special interest) what's your favourite things, and how would you feel if someone said something derogatory or negative after you talk about them? (Not saying you did that, just that's a better evocation of the relative emotions)

Think of it like in improv theatre. The rule of the stage in improv is, you always say, yes and.... Because without saying yes and.. the conversation / performance dies. It also puts all the weight on the other person to think of and introduce a new subject topic, after you disparaged their last effort (sometimes that's how they feel). Probably the shortest way to explain it is you need to be careful not to yuck someone's yum.

It's not really about the topic, it's about the person bringing it to you.

Personally I like the challenge that it is to say something nice about something I don't like. For instance, I mostly share your opinion on music, but I could find a fun fact to pull out about a particular musician, I could find a particular talented musician to talk about, a childhood memory, something short if you don't want to continue the conversation much, something long if you've found something good to branch off into. Or instead just say "cool, what do you think about *insert favourite music here".

Personally for the music, I talk about Woking in a pub when I was younger and it ruining the songs for me, as they were played on repeat, every night. (Even though I never had a proclivity towards them)

Just think about something that gives them something to talk about after, or ask them a question about it, as it's about getting to know them. People want to know you care about what they like, not necessarily care about the things they like too. And you want to continue the conversation, what keeps it flowing.

It may help if you try to sound like you almost liked it, but don't. "It's not really my thing," "Tried it, but I just don't love it," and "it just never really worked for me" are examples. Explaining that you feel like you have given it all the chance it needs, and ultimately decided it's not for you. You're not trying to emphasize negativity, just a lack of positivity, if that makes sense. This helps avoid implied criticism of someone else's tastes while conveying your preference.

I say that it's not my flavor of ice cream

I usually say something generic that makes it clear the “issue” is mine like “this isn’t my vibe” or “I’m not feeling this today” or like, “I’m not sure this is my thing” just super generic, no strong conviction and an I statement. But the important part is to suggest something else, otherwise I’m just offloading my problem, it’s no one’s problem but mine if I don’t want to listen to classic rock for example so if I just tell you “I have a problem” that implies I’m expecting you to fix it. If I give you a problem, like I don’t want to listen to this, I also need to provide my own solution. “This music is just not hitting for me today, could we try some alt rock instead?” and if they agree I provide the music. I’ve never had an issue with this method and I also hate when people offload their problems onto me without providing solutions so I try to treat others how I want to be treated and cover both parts, politely stating the problem and offering a solution.

It's really all about how you say it. You can make it known that you dislike something without making the person feel like you're belittling their opinion.

In that situation I think I'd say something like, "I used to be pretty into that era of music but it really got played out for me so it's not really my jam anymore"

This shows that you have respect for the thing they like

As my grandma used to say, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they are all shitty.” If somebody is going to get offended by yours then that is their problem.

That being said, tone matters, in my experience a lot more to neurotypicals than to we neurodivergents. Sometimes I have to rephrase something because the first way I said it came off as assholery even though I didn’t mean it that way.

The key is to be as diplomatic as possible in just saying it's not really your thing and then changing the subject. Especially when someone's trying to bond by sharing their interests, the worst thing you can do is insult the things they like. If you have to, avoid any direct criticism, just make it clear that it's your own subjective taste.

And I say this as someone who has literally built a brand on being a hater for some specific hot-buttons of mine, and even lost friendships over it. In the right setting there can be a time and place for hating, but it's not when someone else is trying to talk about what they like. Just change the subject if you can't say anything nice.

I'm still pretty bad at navigating social situations, so bear that in mind, but I've found that there's a difference between volunteering preferences vs being asked. If a group of people are chatting about all the things that they are doing with AI, then me saying something like "yeah, but AI sucks and it's worthless, it's unethical and hallucinates most of the time," isn't going to be well received. However, perhaps they'd ask how I'm using AI or such. I could mention that I don't use AI anymore. Then if they ask me why not, then they've requested my honest opinion, and they need to be prepared to hear it. If they push back, then it's like hey, you asked, did you only want me to tell you what you wanted to hear?

I'll also say that people that dominate conversations and insult others that don't agree with them drive me away very quickly, because that's abusive or bullying behavior, even if they do it with a smile or joke. Other people seem to like that kind of behavior though, because they're almost always popular for some reason.

It's kind of the same issue as people not liking it when you correct a mistake they are making even if you think it might be helpful for them. Usually the thing I have to remind myself is that if they don't ask they probably don't care so I would probably just avoid sharing my thoughts. Only when I know / trust someone well am I likely to share opinions more freely. I guess maybe this counts as masking but it's kind of like a 'live and let live' kind of thing.

In this case, it's easy to just say that you would like to listen to something else. You don't have to justify or explain. Its better if you don't. Music is a matter of taste. And, yes, if somone presses you for a reason why, saying you're overexposed is plenty valid.

However, assholes exist. And some people believe that their tastes ought to be universal. Sometimes, you'll just have to confront the fact that it isn't about the musical choice at all.

What do you mean, exactly, by "boldly"?

It really can be as simple as not stating your opinion as fact. I'm not saying that you do, you're not that specific about how you phrase things. But a lot of people will say about a particular movie, "It's bad", when what they should really say is "I don't like it". When you say that something other people like is bad, you're not just criticizing the material, you're insulting their judgment. But if you simply say that you don't like something, well, that's your opinion, and you don't have to defend that at all.

I often find saying that I'm not into X lands better than saying I don't like X. It's just an euphemism for the same thing, but it matters.

Also it's kinda important that your preference announcement makes sense in the moment, like when someone links you a rock song, saying you're not into rock is different than saying you don't like the song, but that would be an appropriate moment. If you go into a bar and there's rock background music, saying that you don't like it feels unprompted.

If coworkers/friends are talking about going to a rock festival in a bar, it's appropriate to say you don't like the music if they invite you, but inserting your opinion into their planning feels like you are rejecting their plan, which again will make them take it personally. You probably aren't against them going a bunch of days, getting hella drunk and having a good time while listening rock, you just don't like the music.

So yeah, appropriate time (when prompted or if not saying it will result in you not enjoying yourself) and appropriate manner (soft terms and extending the answer a sentence to give a bit of context) usually helps, a lot.

Just making a tone that with friends I oftentimes intentionally use extra harsh terms because it's funny and there's confidence, but if not, soft terms always.

I say "not my cup of tea". States I dont like it, doesnt say that the thing they like is bad

Thanks for the suggestion. I’ve tried it but it’s not really my style.

I get it, it's just not really my thing, tbh. I'm more into x

“I’m not feelin’ ___ (right now).”

“I would prefer something else (at the moment).”

So... it does matter to them because they are looking to build connections with people and one of the ways we do that as humans is by talking together about things we both like.

So they get offended I think (I'm not sure) because they like the thing and they therefore attach it to their identity as a person, and because they feel snubbed that you didn't embrace their attempt to find common ground to build a relationship on.

I have a terrible habit of letting my mouth talk without thinking consciously about how people will react, and I've been burned by this in the past as a result. I tried to understand (when it was explained to me) but honestly, I'm mostly just going off what other people think here. If people are offended I generally view it as a them problem.