Alternative_Case_878

joined 1 year ago
[–] Alternative_Case_878@alien.top 1 points 11 months ago (2 children)

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

[–] Alternative_Case_878@alien.top 1 points 11 months ago

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet.

We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.

[–] Alternative_Case_878@alien.top 1 points 11 months ago

3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!” Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”

[–] Alternative_Case_878@alien.top 1 points 11 months ago

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

[–] Alternative_Case_878@alien.top 1 points 11 months ago

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives. They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”

[–] Alternative_Case_878@alien.top 1 points 11 months ago

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

[–] Alternative_Case_878@alien.top 1 points 11 months ago

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

[–] Alternative_Case_878@alien.top 1 points 11 months ago

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.

[–] Alternative_Case_878@alien.top 1 points 11 months ago

Christmas joke (NSFW) A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee" Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

view more: next ›