IvyRaven

Hah!

That's true. I've terrible experiences irl too. When I joined an LGBTQIA+ group at school they ostersiced me for saying that I personally had no issue talking to someone who had questions about the communities I fell into. Like that was a terrible thing to them so they shunned me. It was so funny because we had a room you could go to to hang out/study/chill in and when I'd walk in they'd all get up and leave. Other times I've just been furniture for the group. Like they say 'we want you here/we like you being here' but when I'd try to engage they'd just shut down. Now with COVID and no place to even try to find friends I gave up. I'm in too much pain and can't afford to go do things so yeah.

Putting up a wall isn't something I do typically. Basically when I go into a group or whatever I am myself because I can't really hide behind a fake persona or whatever anymore (for a number of reasons, not important here). When I've tried to be the person others expect they walk all over me or use me then toss me away. When I'm myself they reject me. So if I have a wall up it's not very high and definitely doesn't stay up. So I guess I don't get it. I try so hard and it always ends the same either way.

I don't have insurance because it costs $600 a month. So again that's not an option. Gaming addiction? These are my current fixations that bring some tiny joy in this miserable existence so I'm not sure how that is considered 'addiction', especially in an autistic community. Also wasn't really looking for help. Just being seen/heard/understood is more than I get anywhere so I thought I could post here. Sorry if that was wrong.

I had talked to them about how I come off as negative but don't mean it thar way. They said I was good and to not stress it. So I was just beint me and tonight I get a 'you're being negative and we don't want that in our community'. So even being real with them and talking to them about this it wasn't good enough.

I can't afford to see a therapist. I mentioned this in my post. I live in constant physical pain and mental pain layered over everything else. So not sure what to tell you.

You mentioned being lighter about stuff. When I talk about the only things that give me some good people think I'm too intense. If I try to tone that down then they say I'm vanishing or something. I can't win either way.

I'd talked with the leadership about how I've been considered negative in the past. Even pointing out that I'm not necessarily being negative but usually hard on myself or commenting how a change felt bad or good. But it always goes the same way.

Also I really doubt anyone gives a crap. I'm 39 and alone with one friend online, but she's got kids and a life. When I talk about the stuff I like people think I'm being negative even if I say nice things.

Brain Cool Ranch edition.

By forcing myself to do something if it's something I can do. Basically this only works with video games since no matter how hard I try I can't apply it to a job, relationship, being a functional human being.

For the longest time I didn't ever dream. Now the only dreams I have are pointless brain dumps of random bs that come up after I wake up and fall asleep for 20 more min. Don't ever remember them but they're real garbage.

I can wing cooking something. Essentially I riff out a dish without a recipe and limited pantry. This also means I can make good tasting food even if it doesn't look amazing.

It's at least amazing to my mom haha. She is always like 'I don't get how you come up with sfuff' when I slap something together. I didn't think it was a big deal but my mom can't cook without a recipe and my brother can't cook for anything.

I'm resigned to being single till I die. But I think either option has its pros and cons. End of the day though if you love someone and they love you it's possible to work through stuff if you communicate.