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I would say every relationship I had was painful at the end. Breaking up is so hard whether it’s the person making the decision or the person who finds out. I look back on them fondly now, though, and I’m still friends with some of those. My last breakup was very amicable and we’re still besties.
The reason I say all that (and feel free to check out if this is getting too much) is I wonder do you tend to weigh the final moments more in your memories? I’ve been able to separate those breakups, depersonalise them and it’s left me with a solid footing where I look back and feel enriched by the relationship that preceded them.
Learning about cognitive distortions can maybe help a little here, especially maximisation (of the negatives) and minimisation (of the positives).
I think based on past experiences I have a major fear of abandonment, and I see every ending as being abandoned. I also have little to no confidence in my ability to meet anyone new. I feel like each time it happens that was my last chance.
It’s good to have that awareness. Fear of abandonment doesn’t just moderate how we connect with people, it moderates how we feel about connection, during connection, etc.
I’m not the biggest fan of CBT - I think it can be used in a way that’s too clinical rather than felt - but wading into the beliefs you have about abandonment and self-worth can be very valuable. We can’t confront something until we shine a light on it.
Once the beliefs and feelings are labeled to some extent, the next step with CBT could be to identify the cognitive ( C ) distortions in those beliefs and then explore what a more balanced substitute could look like. Then by examining the behavioural (B) influence those beliefs had on you, you can try out new behaviours too. That kind of therapy (T) can help flush emotional states that have been stuck for some time.
But the mechanics of CBT aren’t enough. A well attuned therapist is what makes it more than the sum of its parts.
At one point I bought CBT for Dummies but I didn't get very far. I'm trying to be introspective and examine why I feel this way, but I just end up in a spiral.
My therapist is pretty good, I think. I've had others in the past that took a more active approach, gave me more coaching, and stuff like that. This one does a lot more just listening and pointing things out. It's definitely possible there is one out there I would work better with, but we have a good rapport and I don't want to switch.