this post was submitted on 22 Apr 2025
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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/28523918

This made me laugh incredibly hard, so had to cross post it.

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[–] henfredemars@infosec.pub 192 points 1 month ago (6 children)

Y'all would have killed Jesus.

[–] FuglyDuck@lemmy.world 50 points 1 month ago (3 children)

fun fact... killing jesus was always god's plan. god set adam and eve up in the garden specifically so he could LARP as a Nice Guy™. In fact, not killing jesus would have condemned humanity to eternal suffering, and therefore would have been sin. Not that anyone had a choice, because it's all part of god's plan, right, and god's plan always comes to fruition.

If you believe in that sort of thing.

[–] Sterile_Technique@lemmy.world 31 points 1 month ago (6 children)
[–] SkunkWorkz@lemmy.world 32 points 1 month ago (1 children)

The Abrahamic god is literally a war god. It evolved from El and Yahweh, members of the pantheon of the polytheistic Canaanite religion. El is the father of all gods and Yahweh is a weather and war god. So yeah no wonder that the Abrahamic god does crazy evil shit. Like killing all first born sons.

[–] Thedogdrinkscoffee@lemmy.ca 9 points 1 month ago (1 children)

You just inspired another wikipedia rabbit hole. See you in a week!

[–] Psythik@lemm.ee 3 points 1 month ago

LOL see you tomorrow

[–] FuglyDuck@lemmy.world 9 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Fortunately; if god is real he got bored with this particular video game and moved onto some thing more exciting.

[–] Gradually_Adjusting@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago

That's why I'm an atheist. I'm too optimistic.

[–] brax@sh.itjust.works 6 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Doesn't the Bible go on and on about how the devil is the great deceiver? Seems accurate considering how many people think God was the good guy.

[–] HawlSera@lemm.ee 3 points 1 month ago

What do you think the word "Deceiver" means in this context?

[–] Klear@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 month ago

He could be just really, really stupid.

[–] orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com 25 points 1 month ago (1 children)
[–] thisbenzingring@lemmy.sdf.org 15 points 1 month ago

you say that now but when the (checks current feelings are still, oh good) flames of (checks notebook on latest revisions, hahah stupid assholes) HELL are kissing your feet while a succubus sits on your face and.... ok brb this is fuckin hot...

[–] Reverendender@sh.itjust.works 20 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)
[–] Delphia@lemmy.world 13 points 1 month ago (1 children)

"Never forget in the story of Jesus, the hero was killed by the state" - Killer Mike.

[–] Thedogdrinkscoffee@lemmy.ca 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Jesus, who came back from the dead? Like a zombie? Zombie Jesus is lord. I worship a zombie cult? I need to rethink my life.

[–] flicker@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It's well known that since he came back from the dead but he didn't decay or lose intelligence or anything, that Jesus was a lich.

[–] Thedogdrinkscoffee@lemmy.ca 1 points 1 month ago

Liches decay usually to skeletal levels.

But it's a good point.

I asked Cohere (Canadian LLM/AI) what fits best:

The mythical creature that best matches the description of Jesus, who dies and returns to life while retaining his intelligence and physical form, is often associated with the concept of a "Resurrected Divine Being" rather than a specific mythical creature from folklore. However, if we look for parallels in mythology, the closest analogy might be:

The Phoenix

The Phoenix is a mythical bird that cyclically regenerates or is reborn. It dies in a burst of flames and then rises again, renewed and youthful, from its ashes. This symbolizes rebirth, immortality, and the triumph over death. While the Phoenix is not a direct theological match, its theme of death and resurrection aligns with the core aspect of Jesus' story.

Other Considerations

  1. Osiris (Egyptian Mythology): Osiris, the god of the afterlife, was murdered by Set, dismembered, and later resurrected by Isis. He becomes the lord of the underworld and a symbol of rebirth and eternal life. This parallels the idea of dying and rising again, though Osiris remains in a divine, otherworldly state.

  2. Attis (Phrygian Mythology): Attis was a vegetation god who dies and is reborn annually, symbolizing the cycle of life and death. His resurrection is tied to the renewal of nature.

  3. Dionysus (Greek Mythology): Dionysus, the god of wine and fertility, was dismembered and then reborn, symbolizing rebirth and transformation. His resurrection is often tied to themes of renewal and divine power.

Conclusion

While none of these mythical creatures perfectly align with the theological specifics of Jesus (who is considered divine in Christianity and whose resurrection is central to Christian doctrine), the Phoenix is the closest in terms of the symbolic theme of death and rebirth. Jesus, however, transcends these mythical parallels as a figure of religious faith, not just a mythological archetype. His resurrection is presented as a unique, divine event rather than a cyclical or mythical phenomenon.

[–] Akasazh@feddit.nl 7 points 1 month ago

Well he was from Palestine and had a darker complexion so most likely.

[–] LiveLM@lemmy.zip 5 points 1 month ago

They really are the exact opposite of what they preach

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago

If a man says Eat Me some of us take it as permission. Dude could turn water to wine he must have been delicious tho