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Get involved with something that requires a community.
Sounds stupid, but there's plenty of things that require groups of people to be possible. Community sports, political activism, board games and cards, etc. typically have easy to join communities created for the express purporse of doing the one thing.
For me, it was a writing group. The guy that leads it just threw a holiday party for us, and I love those, because the group is a wide range of ages, from all walks of life, and they're all smart and interesting, and we all love stories. It makes for great in-depth conversations
I haven’t figured this out entirely, but I’ve found a partial solution in being part of a men’s group.
We meet weekly to discuss our feelings.
After a couple years in that group, one of the other guys requested that someone call him a few times per week because he needed an impetus to keep moving. He was battling depression and laziness, and wanted someone to check in on him.
I volunteered to call him three times a week. It was only going to be a few weeks at first, but we kept it up.
Now it’s been about six months of me calling him on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday morning. I told him I’d be happy to call him like this for the next fifty years if that’s what it takes.
I live alone, and don’t really see anyone on a regular basis except for this group. I don’t know my neighbors, nor anyone in my neighborhood. I’ve considered joining a church to have some community, but I don’t want to distort my relationship with God.
But this morning I spoke with that guy. He’s not physically present, but our ongoing commitment to this phone call schedule creates an abstract “meeting place” where we encounter each other regularly.
It really works. It’s like sharing a kitchen with someone, and bumping into them there on a recurring basis.
I think it would be great if more people made arrangements like that. I think it would be great if there were a community here on Lemmy just for the purpose of setting such arrangements up.
Regular, recurring connection is magic.
In college I had a classmate that I enjoyed speaking with. Somehow we decided that we were going to have breakfast every Saturday morning at Le Peep, just the two of us.
We did that for an entire year of college, and it formed a deep bond. We became best friends, as a result of seeing each other regularly.
I myself don’t have the bandwidth to take on a lot of such connections, but if anyone is interested in trying such an arrangement please respond to this comment and y’all can pair off.
The arrangement I would propose is this:
If anyone would like to experiment with this, I can call you regularly for a short period of time to teach you how it’s done. I can’t afford a lot of long-term commitments right now, but I’d be happy to put in some effort to help people understand the technique.
you seem like such a great guy. 🙏
The core is basically this.
There are environments that make this easier - hobby groups, certain 'scenes' in your area (music, art, etc.), volunteer organizations, etc. - but you can start the work pretty much anywhere humans congregate.
Are there any hobbiest groups re: digital art or adjacent activities in your area (zine making socials always sounded pretty fun)? Is there something you've always wanted to try that's on offer as a group event? Start there, talk to the humans, show up more than once and there's a good chance you'll be off to a good start.
...said the kettle.
One time I had a contract gig which had me showing up to the same office building M-F for about six months.
There was a coffee shop where I got my morning coffee on the way in to work.
I made myself a rule that after I was handed my coffee, I would stay for 60 seconds making small talk with others in the shop before I left.
Within a couple of weeks I knew everybody who hung out in that shop and everybody who worked behind the counter. It was a very warm, fulfilling part of my day to stop and chat with the people there. Ended up spending 5-10 minutes daily.
And all it took was a commitment to delay my departure by 60 seconds. It was so easy to just say “thanks” and zip out the door with my coffee.
I am also a kettle, but I figured I needed some motivation in my life to get to know more people. Moving from Norway to Bumfuck, Nowhere in Denmark has made it hard to make friends, but my wife and I got a puppy two weeks ago, and have signed him up for puppy training classes with other puppies. We'll also use the dog park in the towns nearby to meet people. I think that's a good way to meet people.
I'd also like to add that getting a puppy on a whim in NOT a good idea. We talked about this for years, and planned for months. My depression has gotten so much better, buy jesus christ, he can be a little hellspawn lol 😂
The dog park is an excellent choice, from what I've heard from dog owners. Between that, walkies forcing you to get out and moving regularly, and good ol' fashioned companionship, dogs are just great in general, though certainly require a high level of commitment and care.
Dogs are great! People who like dogs - generally not the mean Pit Bulls, or Rottweiler types though - are good people. You can jog and hike with your dog. They are great conversation starters.
Note: Not saying Pits and Rots are mean but some people tend to get them because they want a dog perceived to be vicious and proceed to train them that way.
board game cafes!
A fellow Belle of the Ranch viewer in the wild, wonderful ✨️
Meet up has a lot of groups with a variety of activities. You can find hiking, biking, swimming, reading, knitting, quilting, art of various forms, board game, DND, video game, canoeing, kayaking, trivia night, yoga, meditation, foodie, singles, couples, and ither groups to be part of.
Pretending you enjoy normie stuff like star wars or Axe throwing.
Political activism for me personally
Like u/NeoNachtwaechter rightfully said:
Society, community… these are abstract terms. You cannot talk to them. The cannot love you.
Life happens when you meet people (not abstractions).
So, when you write:
Preferably in real life and without religion or alcohol.
Don't see anything personal in the following remark (I don't smoke and don't drink, I quit both many decades ago, and I don't give a flying fuck about religion myself) but you can't expect to meet people that fit your expectations.
Life does not work like a dating app (luckily).
You will meet people, a few of them you will appreciate more than many, many others. All of them, even the 'nicest' ones, will still annoy you one way or another. Like you will annoy them, or like I do. We all.
My spouse and I have been together for 25 years and counting, we're glad to be together but I can assure you we also both have traits or habits the other don't like at all, and that's fine. My best friend and I have been friends for well over 40 years and we're at the complete opposite politically speaking, we always have been. Like we never agreed and we never will. We're fine with our lifelong disagreements because we have many other common interests (and he is a very interesting guy even if his politics are shit ;)
So, the first thing I would suggest would be to accept that people will not be what you want them to be, or how you want them to be.
And then to let things happen, or not happen. That's my second advice: be ok with nothing happening or with failing when trying to make them happen. Most of the time meeting people won't go anywhere and that's to be expected. Don't give up, keep on meeting people and spend some time with them.
I know those advice may sound a bit... generalist but you did not share a lot of context yourself to give you a more specific answer either. And, generalist or not, those are still two advice I follow myself.
Lemmy, but you never leave the house, society, but you never spend time at home.
I once went to a woodworking store to get supplies for one of my brief ADHD hobbies, and the guy there mentioned that they have classes and there were some carvings on display that people made. It sounded like a nice, small group of people and if I wasn't so lazy and socially anxious I might've enjoyed joining.
If you’re physically able, go somewhere people are willing to teach you something :) Try a climbing gym.
The first hurdle will be working up the courage to ask for advice (on a route, on equipment, about an event) and the next will be showing up often enough that you’re a recognizable part of the community.
Meetup has helped - especially around RPGs and board games. Having a weekly group of friends meeting up with a shared topic helps.
Not sure if you mean without alcohol as in without you yourself needing to drink, or if you mean where do you find an entire community who doesn't drink.
If you're looking for athiest teetotallers, you're already cutting out more than three quarters of people you'll ever meet, so no wonder you may be finding it hard.
If you're anywhere slightly populated, check out local festivals and street markets that get stood up on a regular schedule. Where I am there's usually a weekly farmer's market in a few cities nearby. If you want to volunteer to set-up or work at one they always have the most friendly, community-based people. You'll have to not be anti-social for long enough to make friends with people, but normally it will be the same group who goes to every street festival and market, and you'll recognize all the vendors and workers (who are chill people).
I found one in community dance, specifically local folk dance. The median age is probably 65, so it’s adaptable to a wide range of athleticism levels, but it does require significant mobility.
I absolutely loved it until covid, and then I moved, but it was a wonderful group of people through whom I met dear friends, found a job offer, learned a bunch of things, and found a home.
I’m having some luck in building a community through my yoga practice. It’s challenging as a beginner because everyone just goes to yoga and then jets off to their next thing.
But I have become very serious with it and am preparing to get my teacher certification. Now I am starting to connect with people who share thtat level of dedication.
Now you could say this is religion technically, but it is so vastly different from the defective and derivative brand of xtianity I had pushed upon me as a youth that it doesn’t feel that way. Practicing Mormonism never gave me lickable abs.
Scouting helped me a lot with this. It’s an active community, and not just for kids. And it’s worldwide, so wherever you go, there’s a community you can visit, or recognize
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and did you consistently do Scouting from child/teenhood to recently?
Been playing with the idea of Rovers, I just don't know what that'd be like as an adult out of Scouting for many years who's lost most of their outdoor experience.
Edit: Not Rovers I guess, the one that takes people over 26. Edit edit: I thought this was a thing but I guess isn't, though some Googling suggests there's something in the works topping out at 30ish.
Do mutual aid
This
I'm still trying to figure this out for myself.
You just need to put yourself around people as much as possible.
If your circumstances are that it isn't possible, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. You perhaps could then make it your goal to relocate or put yourself in a position where you can be around people.
What kind of stuff are you into?
Recently I've been getting into making digital art and reading books. Though I haven't done much of either yet. These are new hobbies that I just discovered my enjoyment of and I'm just getting into them for the first time.
Sometimes libraries have book clubs, where people regularly meet up to - chapter by chapter or book by book - discuss the book. Those can be amazing communities. And you immediately share something meaningul (the book). Maybe see if your local library has one?
Sports/music
Join a club
Look for a niche
The workplace?
The closest I had to this actually was my old workplace, but power dynamics, workplace stress, and a lack of shared purpose were my biggest problems.
Having your behavior controlled by management, friendly coworkers who suddenly become cold-hearted backstabbers if they find out they can gain financially from it, etc
Stressful days where we were overworked also brought out the worst in everyone, including me at the time, which was also not fun...
Depending on the job, there could also just be a lot of people who don't want to be there other than for the money, and in those cases, there isn't really a uniting greater purpose that everyone believes in.
I think it might work for some people, but the conditions have to be right. For me personally, the corrosive and anti-social influence of money makes me wary of really trusting or connecting with people on a genuine level in work environments.
Society, community... these are abstract terms. You cannot talk to them. The cannot love you.
Life happens when you meet people (not abstractions).
Well then, I guess if I were to rephrase the question, I'd ask:
Where are some places or contexts where you can find a group of 5-30 people who meet regularly, generally feel connected to one another, and won't spend the whole time staring at their phones?
How about hobbies? If everyone in the group is passionate about fishing, knitting, model airplanes, flower bouquets, wood working, painting or something like that, you’ll have plenty to talk about. If you talk to people, and get to know them a little better, you’ll suddenly begin to feel more connected.
Hobbies are the best way to meet people wanting to do something (beside looking at their phones, I mean).
Have you look around what IRL activities are related to hobbies you may be into? You may also ask your local public library, if they do not organize activities themselves they will probably have info on some other org doing it.
How does this codswallop have eight upvotes? OP asked a perfectly reasonable question and this is word salad.
Neo, you dingus.
Codswallop, dingus… these are abstract terms. You cannot argue with them. They cannot hate you.
Disagreements on the Internet happen when you argue with people (not abstractions).
(Sorry, I couldn't resist)
