Ask Lemmy

They never said I'd feel like a fool, but mentioned that I'd probably understand later in life, and they were spot on, but it comes gruadually.

As an example: when I started paying my own bills, I stopped taking endless showers and later started being frustrated when my kids do.

I also very recently started understanding why they hated smartphones with small screens as they typed so slowly, as I keep mis-typing more and more myself.

So I'd say it starts when moving out and the realities of life hits you square in the face, and then the rest come dripping slowly over time.
Becomming a parent slaps you with another big load as well.

My narcissistic, selfish, and abusive parents abused things like "because I said so," "you'll understand when you're older," and "you'll understand when you have kids" among other things.

I now understand. They were shitheads that never wanted to actually explain things or be held accountable for their fucking abuse. I understand that it literally took EFFORT for them to be so goddamn angry and verbally/physically abusive to us, and it takes a serious level of hate to sprinkle in the emotional neglect and somehow be okay with treating your child like that.

I can't fathom doing half the shit they did.

My dad is so, so smart in so many ways. Unfortunately, he’s completely incapable of some forms of introspection (thankfully not all). He believes that he’s even smarter than he is, and rejects anything that doesn’t fit his worldview.

I do understand him a lot more as time goes on, because my siblings and I have learned that our whole family is autistic and our parents were just dealing with that their whole lives. They did a great job with us, specifically in regard to us being autistic.

For example, my dad would warn me before he sharpened our knives, so that I could get at least two blocks away before he started, and they never cared if we wore clothes inside out to avoid tags, as long as they were otherwise neat. They educated us early about nutrition, so we could choose what we wanted to eat ourselves, but it had to be balanced. They most importantly explained that things don’t always make sense, but that sometimes people have an emotional connection to them or for seniority or similar reasons don’t want to hear us say that it doesn’t make sense.

Most effective for me specifically: my dad explained two things to me in exactly the right way for me to act in the way that was most helpful for me. He told me that I might be smarter than any given cop, but I’m not smarter than all of them together if I were to commit a big crime, and that if I kept stealing petty shit, I’d eventually get locked out of jobs where I might have been able to embezzle a lot more money. I stopped stealing and did eventually get a job where I could have embezzled a lot of money, but by that time I was better at thinking through consequences and no longer wanted to. I don’t know if that advice would work for everyone and frankly it seems like irresponsible advice to give a kid, but it absolutely helped me.

Autism aside, they were also both completely correct about how important caring for your teeth is.

I was smarter.

That did not prevent me from being foolish like all kids are.

I can tell you my sister always blamed my parents for mostly going on vacation to Poland, where they had a summer house and family (uncles, aunts, grandparents) instead - like the rich children from her class in Germany - to Spain or Italy.

Now she is asking if she could use that summer house to be able to go anywhere abroad because turns out it's quite difficult to earn a lot of money to be able to take your child on expensive vacations. And she has only one instead of three children like our parents.

While I can't tell you if she feels like you describe, but I think in this case she should :p

I figured out my parents were dumb as hell when at age 11 I tried to calmly explain to my screaming father in the midst of an absolute meltdown that leaving the Windows 95 shutdown prompt on "restart" didn't ruin the computer.

He just screamed at me not to touch the prompt anymore and that I didn't know anything about it computers or the Internet. Which is rich coming from the guy who routinely downloaded porn dialers and malware from his fellow closet cases in bisexual chatrooms.

My parents didn't talk down to me like that.

What I have been told, however, is that I wont stay lean like this all my life and will start gaining weight as I get older. That I'm still waiting for to happen.

Depends on whether your parents are actually dumb or not.

At age 46 I’m more smarter than them now than I ever used to be. They do literally 93% of things incorrectly, yet are convinced of the opposite, and that they are always the smartest people in the room.

Do you have kids, yet ?

I do not, so I expect it is related to that moment in your life.

I definitely see myself understanding the world more, and that obviously will come with experience. However, with that also comes wisdom, and specifically the wisdom to look back and see that some adults were fucking fucktards.

I was a better person than them then, and am certainly a better person now.

Enjoy hell, Mr. K.

When you have kids.

I'm guessing the average Lemming was a weird little nerd. I was.

If anything, my own parents had trouble recognising I actually still was a kid.

They might have meant to say wiser. When I was a teenager, I remember being sharper than my parents with academic subjects, but there is much more to life than that.

You mean the dad who had me rewire the telephone lines in our house when I was 14 because he couldn't figure out four wires? That one?

Thankfully, my parents never tried to undermine my self-esteem like that.

Ignorance and hubris are consequences of youth. The fact is that your parents do probably know quite a few things that you don't, if for no other reason than they have more lived experience. That shouldn't necessarily make you feel foolish. Part of growing older is realizing that you possess a microscopic fraction of all the knowledge in the universe. Meaning that most people know things that you don't and you could learn something from them. That's wisdom. Some adults never embrace that, seeing their ignorance as an asset and turning their hubris into blind arrogance. Those people should feel foolish because they are fools. But they probably don't.

I don't agree with every decision my parents made. But in my mid thirties, I do now understand why they are the people they are and why they made some of the decisions they made. They were far from perfect parents. But they did ok, especially in light of the incredibly shitty examples they both had for parents.

I'm 29. My opinion on my parents has not changed much since I was a kid. My dad has a lot of practical knowledge, but his worldview is pants-on-head stupid. My mom is a far better person than my dad, but her technical knowledge is limited.

At the same time we stop believing everything we read on the internet. As told to us by the people who now happily believe every oh so absurd made up bullshit on the internet or TV.

When you grow up, which you clearly yet haven't.

I am smarter than my dad in a lot of things. But not programming. Or math.

At the same time, though, a huge portion of what I learned in school was wrong. I got As for being able to remember information that has since been changed, debunked, or otherwise made inaccurate due to new discoveries. So kids today probably are smarter than me, but will likely end up in the same boat at my age when everything they were taught is discovered to be wrong.

The only real constant is math. Math never changes.

It doesn’t happen until you have your own kid who thinks they are smarter than you

On your teens maybe a couple of times. When you're 20 you'll notice those things and have this passing "oh, I see" moment. On your 30's you'll experience that often. On your 40's you want it to slow the fuck down. You'll probably tell someone to wash their face or brush their teeth a lot.