Ask Lemmy

Because society has decided that we need to shame women for everything they do. Particularly as related to sex.

On the one hand, a paternity test is pretty reasonable, especially at a young age where it can have massive implications.

On the other hand, they are often weaponised to use as accusatory slut-shaming.

The only thing you did wrong was maybe not being careful enough, but God knows we've all been there, and it's always possible even if you are very careful.

Best of luck and most importantly, keep your head high.

Don't take offense to it. It's just due diligence like getting a home inspector before you commit to a mortgage.

For heavy duty long term commitment to something like raising a child, "Just trust me bro" doesn't quite meet the gravity of the situation and moreso when there isn't already a formalized relationship like a marriage.

If the test came back with unexpected results, it would imply that you were cheating on your BF (assuming it’s a monogamous relationship) and hiding it, therefore, being dishonest. So in a way, the request for a test can be considered accusing you of cheating and lying. So I can see why it would feel insulting and humiliating.

Looking at it from your BF’s parent’s perspective, even if they think you are the most amazing and honest ray of sunshine, it’s their responsibility to look out for their son. And life teaches us that people who seem wonderful can sometimes surprise us and even the most solid relationships can fall apart. 18 years of child support is a lot of money ( $100k+?). Maybe you will have a long and happy marriage or whatever but they have to consider the possibility. So before their son potentially signs up for a $100k+ commitment, I can see why they would want to trust but verify.

Regardless, it isn’t reasonable to expect 18 years olds to be abstinent. Accidents happen all the time and probably account for like half the human population. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hopefully, you and your BF can move forward with solid love and support from both of your parents. Good luck!

As others have said, it's a pretty reasonable request by his parents, they need to protect their kid. Doesn't mean it can't feel humiliating.

On the positive side, you avoided decades of little remarks (definitely meant as jokes) about how he might not be the father from his parents.

Also, if you ever need to go to court, you already have proof it's truly his kid.

So, I'm not saying it doesn't suck and doesn't feel humiliating, just trying to provide a few positive things to try focusing on.

There is nothing to feel ashamed about. Ultimately it boils down to who has financial responsibility for the child, it's not a moral judgement.

In the end, both you and the child will be better off for having it done.

Sadly i know very many stories were the girl lied who father is. Sometimes malicious, just knows real father/father family is bad news, sometimes like on Murray doesn't know and picked one. Male side can never be certain and no one wants hidden reservations lingering. This destroyes marriages. Also, even if you said no They'll just get it done in secret after baby is born to put concerns to rest.

This is not a reflection on you as a person in fact take this as an opportunity to show how confident you are in the truth and be amicable but have them pay directly the test. Keep in mind they probably will be a factor in your life moving forward so choose words/actions carefully. think of it like a certification to get everyone on the same page to support you.

My mom went through the same thing at 17 best of luck on the road ahead.

My wife and I are getting a paternity and maternity test on our kid, we enquired about it but in utero it's dangerous.

Not because I don't trust her and we're pretty sure she's the mother but because it is an IVF baby and in Australia there have been a few mix ups over the last few years.

I do unterstand your feelings, the question implies that you Were involved with someone else than your boyfriend and its not nice to think about that in your situation especially since hormons make us more emotional during pregnancy (at least me).

As most people stated here already it is however a valid concern of your boyfriends parents. Cheating is very common, more common than I would have thought at 18! Doesn't mean you're a bad person.

Anyways I wanted to add a different perspective. The one of your child. If you don't do the test, but your bf family has a tiny bit of doubt it might be that at some point in your child's life it might hear about that doubt / just suspect it from behavior. And that can do unbelievable harm to a child. So its better to have that proof and then everyone can be happy about the new family member.

It is. And good protection on their part. Kids cost a lot of time and money. you will both have a hard time going to college which is almost required for a good life now. It isn't impossible, but life will be very different for you both. there is help for young families, so things are not hopeless for you, but time other kids your age spend partying is time you will spend either raising the kid or studying - because raising the kid happened when the others were studying. Assuming you go to college - many will not and and that costs your future-

If he isn't the father - and plenty of girls have lied about this - then he gets a much better life since he doesn't have responsibility forced on him. Thus good protection on their part.

(50+ years old married dude speaking from France, just so you know)

I don't know if this can help you feel better about that test but if I was your boyfriend's father I can assure it would not be about you specifically. Not at all. I mean, as much I can observe what's going on with young (and with not so young) people around us and even more so on social media, there is a lot of... let's just say there is a lot of lying everywhere (and no, I'm not blaming girls specifically as it takes two people to make love). So, just to be 100% sure, I would suggest my boy to have that test done it would not matter how much I may already appreciate you as a person and as his girlfriend, there is just too much at stake. I would suggest him to have that test done but I would also respect his decision to ask for it or to not to ask for it.

Wishing you the best, if doesn't sound too bizarre coming from a complete stranger ;)

Because they are. The fact that there's nothing for you to hide it's what's making it feel like that because your boyfriends parents don't (want to) believe you.

All the best for you and your pregnancy! Meanwhile you can use the time and think of extra petty ways to send them the test results (e.g. frame them, make a reveal party, ...).

If you empathise with the other side of the equation, it feels... understandable, right? And that might mute the negative feelings a bit. I mean, you know you're your child's mother while the dad just had to take it on trust up until recently, so wouldn't you also want to be sure if you can, especially if you're more on the anxious, "worst case scenario is the more plausible scenario!" side? It might have less to do with you and more to do with people's inner fears, right?

When I was in my early twenties, I thought paternity tests were something reasonable that maybe everyone should do, just to avoid possible problems in some cases.

I have to tell you, now I have kids and did no paternity tests. My wife and I love each other immensely, we wanted kids, we tried until we got them. It would be insulting to suggest a paternity test on that situation.

Obviously, being asked to perform a paternity test is an implication of low character.

However, I suspect that in the near future, DNA tests will be done as a matter of course to test the baby for genetic diseases, and as a result, the paternity will also be known from the same test.

It seems a little dystopian, but we are already in that dystopia, and people simply don't know it. That's because of familial DNA testing. Even if you never get your DNA tested, as long as some of your descendants get tested, the paternity will be known. Everybody should already assume that children of affairs being born today will be exposed during the mother's lifetime.

So, the good thing about this dystopia is that there will be some point where specific paternity tests will not be a thing, and all of these type of accusations of low character will go away. Small comfort for somebody who is going through this right now, though.

Because it hurts to be accused of something unfairly, even if it's just an implication.

It will help if you try to make it a choice. In a way, this is something that will protect your child - the tiniest sliver of doubt could taint your child's relationship with their father. And that seed has already been planted

Even if they back down, I think you should insist on it.

Honest people don't tell you they're honest, they show. If you want, you could politely insist they read the test results themselves, to make sure there's absolutely no doubt that would taint their relationship with their grandchild

It would turn this around on them, it's the third path solution. They're going to try to brush over the unpleasantness when the results come in, if you make them linger on it for just a moment they'll feel shame without hurting the relationship

If you do that or not should probably depend on how supportive they are during the pregnancy, but I'd personally like having that option in my back pocket

I would be wondering if the grandpa is really a grandpa, maybe he should provide paternity test first.

its because they dont want to end up taking care of the child, when they have a 18son who knocked you up already have to take care of. they dont want to take care of thier son's mistake. because they know the son is probably not going to take care of it, he doesnt have career, because 18, or self-sufficient, so the caretaking automatically goes to the parents of the bf.

Because there's too many stories about the current guy just raising a kid that wasn't his.

Sorry.

Don't let them bully you into anything.

It's your body. You decide what happens to it.

Don't let them force you into circumcision, baptism, any of that shit because they want it. You are in control here. They can fuck off.

Anecdote: One of my friends from high school got his girlfriend pregnant. He and his family wanted to abort, her (very controlling family) were strict Catholics and wanted to keep it. He became a father at 18.

He was a wicked smart kid, and was about to go to a top Uni, but had to change to match his girlfriends Uni so that they could raise the kid together. He found it very difficult to juggle his studies with his parenting, and ultimately the relationship fell apart since he never really loved the girl as much as he thought he did. He dropped out, and now works as a waiter.

I can definitely understand your boyfriends parents wanting to be double sure of the immense responsibility coming his way. You guys are way too young to do this alone, and I really hope you both have good parental support to step in as you try to find your career paths in your 20s.

It shouldn't be insulting

Parenthood means that your life is no longer your own.

Everything you eat and do for the next nine months matters, and then the real work starts.

Social stigma causes the damage. None of that is valid or real from a high level abstractive perspective, but gaining such a perspective is a product of middle age. Most social stigma is born from ignorance, backwardness, and dogma. These are also protection mechanisms inherent to youth.

A bit of unsolicited advice, child services is no one's friend. The agents are paid on commission. The system is not balanced or fair. If you have custody, you can push to settle and set amounts lower. If you do not stay involved or become indifferent towards the child's father, child services will likely destroy his life. The suicide rate is not well tracked but is generally known to be much higher. The entire system is built around a bygone era when anyone could simply show up and get a well paid factory job with a sufficient income to own a home and live a life as a primary breadwinner with a stay at home partner. No one alive today without inherited wealth can earn an income to survive with a 30%-40% margin removed. At a young age, such an extreme expense prevents a person from ever getting established on a solid career path. It cuts off many potential career paths that lack stability. Becoming unemployed will ruin a person dealing with child services. Most of the best paying jobs are unstable. Child Services is incentivised to exploit this in a way that ruins lives. You may have the power to change this if you care and can see the big picture.