Ask Lemmy

A while back I told my friend I was renting a Princess for a trip.He immediately goes:“Wait, you can rent a PRINCESS now? You might as well rent a BEAST while you’re at it!” I was stunned for a full 10 seconds before I explained it’s a Princess YACHT, not a person 😂

A neighbor told me that all foreigners should be deported from Germany.
She clarified (after I asked) that when someone is born in Germany to parents who immigrated legally, never visited their parents' home country, only spoke German, and had a job here, they're still a foreigner and should be deported.

She was born in Romania and had immigrated 5 years ago.

Years ago I was talking with a pregnant coworker about our families. We got onto the subject of how quiet I am. She said "I would hate it if my daughter turned out to be like you." I was just stunned tbh. Like damn, I can't help it that I'm quiet. Why is that such a bad thing?

I'm having a conversation with a family member. Somehow the topic of firefighters comes up. She pauses, looks very thoughtful for a moment, then asks, "Do you not like firefighters, either?"

"What? Why would I not like firefighters?"

"Like how you don't like police."

She knows me well. I boggle at how my distaste for cops could be this misunderstood.

a couple weeks ago my partner said something to the effect that i've always improved since she's known me. it surprised and really touched me and i couldn't help but cry a bit every time i thought about it for days afterward. i don't usually think very highly of myself, and that just really cut me to the core (in a good way).

About 10 minutes ago my plumber said my problem may cost in the neighborhood of $30k to fix. Yay.

My boss, her boss, her boss’s boss, the big boss (who reports to the CEO) and I are on a meeting last week.

At the beginning of the meeting there were some pleasantries being shared. The big boss shared her kid was going to be featured in some large chess tournament

My boss replies “that’s great. What kind of chess does he play?”

I was shocked because there is only one type of chess just like there is only one type of checkers. Yes I know there is 4-d chess, Star Trek chess, and chess game variants. But typically there is only one type of chess.

The big boss answers “You know chess. He is a grand master.”

My boss replies “Grand master. Does that mean he is a performing magician?”

I sat there looking at my screen in shock. My boss had not idea what grand masters are.

The big boss had to explain the chess grand masters to her.

Okay fine personal one’s first:

• I once overheard someone saying it was hard to go left on a round about because the entrance slopes right…. As in they were not using a round about like a round about. (Tbf the round about in question was originally an intersection that was poorly modified into a roundabout)
• I had a psychopathic roommate who, when I called him on it, flat out admitted that given a choice between killing himself or thousands of others he’d choose the mass murder option. I also once asked him if he thought slavery was morally acceptable and his response was “if it would benefit me then yeah.”

I had a girlfriend many years ago who asked me to disconnect the ventilation fan in her bathroom. When I asked why, she said, and I quote "That's for people who smell when they go to the bathroom".

This fellow human was literally telling me her shit don't stink. I was flabbergasted...

"You're an atheist because you want to rebel against God!" - My mother 😭

Well, when I tried to explain in a privacy community that ditching WhatsApp is nearly impossible in Brazil, then the guy answered me with "either you're a part of the problem, or you're a part of the solution".

My sister and I were chit chatting about our kids and their milestones, etc. Super normal type of conversation, especially for us since we don't get along well to begin with and we try to stick to topics that aren't inflammatory. The topic of what age we were when we started menstruating came up.

She stopped me mid-sentence in order to correct me about what age I was when I started my period. Not her age, she stopped me to correct my own retelling of my own personal history because "she remembered better".

It was one of the only times I told her to her face that she was being rude.

Talking to a relative about people in his retirement community, he told me “A lot of the people here can’t afford health insurance on their fixed incomes. If something happens to them, they just die.” And, as I was thinking how horrible that was, he switched gears to “Did you hear about how those democrats want to try and mess with healthcare again? I swear they won’t be happy until I’m broke!”

My wife works in a cancer center. One patient undergoing chemo told her, "If I wake up and can put two feet on the floor, it's a good. day."

A few years ago, I'm having lunch with a friend, we're talking about how bitcoin is all over the news. He then asked me, "Where are these mines they make those in?" We've both worked in high tech for many years.

Was going to the gym for a while back in like 2015 (still do, but I used to too) and was feeling so much better than usual.

I asked my roommate who was one of my best friends at the time if he'd be interested in coming too as it would probably be really fun and motivating if we went together. Dead serious he hit me with "nah, I don't wanna get too buff."

🤨 WAT

I think I offended him a bit with my incredulous response. I honestly couldn't even believe what I heard. Dude was a string bean and would have needed a hard year at the gym to even get remotely "buff". I was truly dumbfounded.

I can't remember the context, but a coworker said "I shouldn't have to care whether the moon gives off light or reflects it."

I remember being stunned..

A colleague saying "I don't believe in facts"

My bank does that regularly..

Baddum-tsh.

Many years ago I worked tech support for a software company. I had one caller who could not conceive that our software couldn't print to two printers at once. She didn't want to print to one then the other. She just kept repeating "this is the 21st century" whenever I tried to explain.

Eventually I told her it was a question for her IT and she went away.

A dear friend of mine claimed my actual advice is always beneficial, and that he likes having me in his life to talk him through his struggles as a parent, as a provider, as a husband; all that junk. And he promises he wasn't taking the piss. And here I am just faking my way through being a human in this existence that I was at an actual loss for words. I now hope to one day fulfill that role. It's not just quips and spelling corrections, guys!!

Someone's dear wife of many years suggested they turn an unused basement room into a sex dungeon/playroom and if it gets boring after 10 years, invite other couples over too.

“I liked you better when you wanted to kill yourself” Abusive ex to me

Almost every day when talking to customers. They had problems scanning a QR code, I tell them no problem just give that reference number of the QR to the guy at the gate or at the intercom and they'll open for them. Next question usually is, "so the gate will open automatically?" (No, I'll need that number to open) or "but I've already paid!" (I know, you wouldn't have a QR code with a reference number otherwise), but the most surprising one so far was last week, "and if they don't want to open?" I had to admit to the man that I had no answer to that.