this post was submitted on 12 Jul 2026

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What are some lesser known developmental milestones no one really ever talks about? (programming.dev)

submitted 2 hours ago by danhab99@programming.dev to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

11 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I'm not really in a good place right now or I guess I haven't been for a few years.

I've just been reflecting today on all the things that I haven't been doing and wondering if some specific things would have happened in my past to me maybe I would have been able to do things differently.. like I'm reflecting on my friends and how they develop their sense of self-worth and identity I'm just realizing so many things just didn't really ever happen to me and I'm just wondering what those things could possibly have been.

Like for example I have absolutely no doubt that I'm a great programmer and I deserve all of the things I have in my life because of it. I've work hard and created cool things and gotten jobs and been promoted so I have absolutely no doubt in my professional abilities.

And like I know I'm attractive cuz I'm tall and young and I look good and I take care of myself.. but no one's ever told me that.. like in the way that my friends have been told. Like in the way that would cause a friend to come up to me and ask for emotional advice about their relationship and they tell me their partner finds them attractive but they don't think they're attractive, I've never gotten to that.

That's the kind of I guess niche developmental milestones or mile-pebbles that are healthy to go through that I'm asking about.

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[–] DagwoodIII@piefed.social 1 points 11 minutes ago

I searched but couldn't find the original cartoon, so I'll give as much as I can remember. From "Life In Hell" by Matt Groening.

16 Steps to Adulthood.

1 -First time you hear a dirty joke.

2 - First time you repeat a dirty joke.

3- First time you understand the joke.

4- First time you get into a serious fight.

5- First time you steal something

6- First time you have a car accident

7- First time you get a job

8- First time you get fired

9- First time you get drunk

10- First time you come home drunk

11- First time you're jealous of someone younger than you

12- First time you get something you're not going to 'grow into.'

13- First time you say 'when I was your age...'

14-First time you skip dessert

15- First time you skip Halloween

16- First time you say "Jeez, I'm not a kid anymore."

[–] HoneyMustardGas@lemmy.world 13 points 1 hour ago (1 children)

When a person realizes they no longer rely on external validation. They don't care about the opinions others hold of them. It's an underrated developmental milestone. People who seek opinions of others on themselves have not achieved this yet.

[–] danhab99@programming.dev 1 points 42 minutes ago

I guess that's kind of what I was trying to press with the example I was giving.

I don't need external validation, because I've never had it.. it's like you can live your whole life without adding spices to your food and you could just know what tastes good.

[–] phanto@lemmy.ca 13 points 2 hours ago

I just got my first chainsaw! I wish my dad were here to see it. Also, I just got stitches for the first time! Amazingly, those are unrelated!

[–] abbadon420@sh.itjust.works 7 points 1 hour ago (2 children)

First time you change a lightbulb and you realize you're an adult now and you run a household, even if it's just a one person household, but you're doing it well, since hou just changed a lightbulb.

That reminds me, I've been needing to change mine since three weeks.

[–] DagwoodIII@piefed.social 2 points 9 minutes ago

[off topic]

How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to screw it in, and a whole hospital to get it out again.

[–] HoneyMustardGas@lemmy.world 3 points 1 hour ago

I did this for my first apartment by myself in March. I bought lightbulbs and I changed one. It felt so good starting to be independent. Previously only ever lived with my wife at the time. Now that I am on my own, it feels surreal.

[–] ProfThadBach@lemmy.world 3 points 1 hour ago

I don't remember the term for this but I came to a realization a few years ago that almost all of the people I know do not value me. I had to force my way into the group things that we did and inviting me was always an afterthought for them. If they were doing things as a group I had to invite myself. I would call myself a B-list friend but I really wasn't even that; however, if they needed something then I got a call or a text. You know what? I would jump at it and be there.

A few years ago a fiend of mine died suddenly. Covid got him and he never really recovered because he stupidly did not get the vaccine. When He died I reevaluated a lot of long time friendships and because the long journey of realizing most people are not really your friend even the ones who were in your life long term.

To add. About 15 years ago I got divorced. Come to find out she was fucking a whole coven of witches. Anyway, I moved out and have been on my own all this time. I have grown into doing all things by myself and truthfully now that I am in my 60s I would not have it any other way.

I just wish I would have learned this in my 20s but it seems that I thought that if I was just there enough and helpful enough that they would see my worth. I was wrong. A lot of this same group is wanting me to come ton the 45 year high school reunion. Ten years ago I might have gone but not now.

[–] sad_detective_man@sopuli.xyz 3 points 1 hour ago* (last edited 1 hour ago)

Growing out of thinking that judging people and running our mouths is the same thing as being a truthteller. Lot of people never get past that.

Then there's the final boss which is realizing that we live a community and other people matter because they define our lived experience. A milestone so elusive that apparently some people can only reach it with the help of psychedelics.

Your millage by differ from culture to culture, these are specifically late milestones for white americans, but it's obviously not everyone.

[–] Adverse_Reaction@anarchist.nexus 1 points 1 hour ago* (last edited 1 hour ago)

While perhaps more esoteric than practical, as a programmer, this might be relatable:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eight-circuit_model_of_consciousness

At any rate, the books listed such as Cosmic Trigger and more specifically Prometheus Rising, as well as Wilson's later Quantum Psychology, are all very accessible examinations of the human experience from various perspectives and schools of thought, and certainly facilitate healthy self-reflection and awareness.

Edited to add another great work related to this subject:

Programming and Metaprogramming in the Human Biocomputer

[–] venusaur@lemmy.world 1 points 1 hour ago

Hahah that’s such a strangely specific “milestone” to be thinking about. That somebody tells you you’re attractive and that you may not be attracted to them?

Maybe you just need to date more. There’s no shortage of people who you will find unattractive and I’m sure some of them will find you attractive.

But ask why that’s important to you and why you think of that as a milestone. Try 5 why’s. Go deeper. Then you’ll have your answer.

I can understand though that a milestone might be validation from society so you can move on to not caring about what people think because you know that, in this case, you’re attractive.

Just post your pictures online somewhere and ask people. You’ll get some validation and some rejection.

Sorry times are tough. Hoping you get through this chapter quickly, but it is just a chapter in your longer, beautiful story.