Autism

Honestly, this sounds awful.

Initially I was wondering if you're the one putting the pressure on yourself, but as I read on ... you're clearly not.

I'm assuming you're both adults and you made choices that led you here. Now you realize it's time for you to make different choices and that means your partner has to figure some stuff out (and likely so do you). That's fine.

What you and/or they might be doing right now is comparing the suffering:

Is it worse for you or them if you end the relationship? How can their problems be mitigated to come out of this even?

Unfortunately suffering is always bad and there is no point measure of meltdown where one person objectively suffers more. There's also no mitigation, you stand where you stand.

Be as gentle as you can, but with this sort of dynamic also be very clear, announce and enforce your boundaries.

In my opinion the next step is theirs to do:

Find support, reach out and explore their options. That's not for you to do, because otherwise it may always be "thanks to you" and not their own achievement. If they get this right once, they can do it again, that's a big confidence boost.

You could leave them a list of support groups or other places where they can find help, but that's as far as I would go.

It's important to understand that they're not doing this to hurt or harm you, but it's just as important to know that it's still the effect they're having and stop them right there.

Good luck!

My situation was quite different, but might be useful perspective.

So when my partner and I first grew close, it was because we were young and had severe enough mental health problems that we didn't feel like we could talk about it without things escalating massively (like, the police being called because of non-acute suicidal ideation kind of escalating). And somehow, inexplicably, we helped pull each other up: when she was having a bad day, I would often help to pull her out of it; when I was having a bad day, she would pull me up; and sometimes when we were both having a bad day, we somehow managed to pull each other out of it.

We were together for like 5 years, and at some point, that dynamic changed, and if I had a bad day, it would end up dragging her down, and vice versa. It just wasn't a good thing for us anymore, but I was terrified to break up with her because she had very little other than me. It was rough on me also, because I didn't really have a functional support network besides her, but I had the beginnings of one. She, however, would have to move back in with her somewhat toxic family, away from the few friends she had near where we lived. I was genuinely scared that breaking up with her would end up killing her.

But I did it in the end, because I had to. It wasn't working anymore, for either of us, and if we had persisted, it would have hurt us both. I do know that she had at least one in-patient stay at a mental health ward in the months after we broke up, so certainly it seems like things were dicey. And I know she still struggles with mental health now also. I felt tremendously guilty in the months that followed, but despite that, I didn't regret my choice az because I knew that our relationship was unsustainable. I think she knew too.

The thing is, you might feel like a safe person to your partner, but if they're having breakdowns so regularly after talking to you, that doesn't sound like you're actually functioning as their safe person. I relate to their desperation, but this doesn't sound like it's good for them either. No one person can be a substitute for an entire support network, and it sounds like you're feeling pressure to try and be that for her.

In an ideal world, you'd be able to support her to move out (if necessary) and to begin finding the support necessary to build an actual support network, but that's not always possible. You might end up in a similar situation to me, and I want to assure you that you are not responsible for her strife. Obviously we should try to be there for the people in our life if possible, and not let people suffer needlessly. But we can't be there for other people if we neglect our duty to ourselves. Whose job is it to look after you and your wellbeing? Even in a relationship with a healthier support equilibrium, that's a duty that is still primarily yours. You shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Get her a therapist - she is not going to be able to function without support.

What she's doing is manipulative. She may not (entirely) intend it to be, but in practical terms, it is. And the longer it goes on, the more her brain will train itself that "doing this gets me what I want."

As my autistic son has told me more than once, "Yes, you're going to have difficult reactions with autism, but it's not permission to be an asshole."

A lot do good advice here, just wanted to add that it's made a big difference for my relationships to start refusing this type of dynamic, stating clearly to my partner that they need a support network beyond just me.

It's a tough thing to say, but absolutely necessary in my opinion for any long term relationship.

Breaking up always sucks if you really care about the other person but for reasons can't stay in a relationship with them. The best advice I ever got was that if you have your reasons for why you need to get out of a relationship, that's all that matters. The person who doesn't want to break up will always have their reasons why they want to stay together. For a relationship to work, both people need strong reasons to stay together. It can't be just one of them.

This is no different from any other break-up. It is not uncommon that the other doesn't want to. I'm sure you know what rejection feels like.

In law school, we have this concept called "assumption of the risk." When you go skydiving, you know it's a possibility that you could land wrong and break your leg. You assumed the risk of injury when you chose to engage in a risky behavior. When you choose to wait til the last minute to leave, you know it's a possibility that you could hit traffic and be late. Likewise, when you enter a relationship, you know there's a chance it's going to end in heartbreak. That's the risk that you choose to take when you want to love.

That sounds like it has become a toxic relationship. She might not like it but it's not good for her to stay in it. I had an ex that responded like that whenever I tried to talk to her about it, the solution was to tell her I was going, and then go without having a conversation. Rage turns to realisation and then they go through the healing process or don't, I don't know, I didn't stick around to find out.

I'm fairly sure that your to-be ex-partner probably isn't actively trying to manipulate you but it is manipulative regardless to have breakdowns and meltdowns when people no longer want to associate with you, and I am saying this as someone who has regrettably done this in my past. It's understandable, especially since it sounds like your partner was largely rejected by most of the people in their life and really doesn't have a social support group to lean on, but that doesn't change that it's manipulative. However, it is probably true for her that she isn't going to have a safe person for a while, and if that's what they need to feel safe then that means they're going to have to still find a way to exist with that lack of safety. Whether or not they recover will probably depend on their other connections or other hobbies. How long were you in a relationship for? If it was only like a year or two I think it's probably more likely that she'll recover than if it's 10+. Do you live together?

In my case, as the person who was regrettably on the other end of things (though most recently in the context of a friendship and not a romantic relationship), I don't think that there's any way to end any sort of relationship in the way of "I no longer wish to associate with you" that won't deeply hurt someone who is already chronically socially deprived and lonely. You are going to hurt them, probably deeply and in a way that will take a very long time for them to recover from, but if you stay in the relationship when you don't want to be, you'll hurt both yourself and them and you'll eventually hurt them even worse when you do leave. There's no way around or out of hurting them, particularly if they do not have good social support, which will also make things worse in the aftermath if they do not have good social support, but that isn't your responsibility even if they are entirely alone. You probably should cut contact entirely but I don't know that I can get the full context of the relationship with this brief explanation.

The concept of a safe person, I can understand it. A person that is always there for you. An anchor in a world that feels unreliable. Where basic human social needs are unmet. If you do not have a social network and friends. If you do not understand how to get in touch with people and what it is what makes you fail in social situations or life in general.

But it feels wildly unfair for the person who is forced to take that safe person role. If you are forced to be that person for someone who depends on you. I imagine it must be hard, when you have the obligation to sustain someone instead of having choices. To do things because both want it and not because she is hurting and needs someone. That would be suffocating for anyone.

And the dependend person isn't free but has to manipulate to get what she needs to feel safe. I think the way out should be to work towards being self sustainable and independent. No one can be that safe person for a longer time. It's a recipe for disaster over and over again. That safe person role needs to be fulfilled by oneself. Helping someone on this way is not a task for a friend or partner but a professional.

Like someone said. Distance. Maybe regular meetings as friends if you feel supportive for her. But it may be hard to keep your distance, as she guilt trips you into things again. Because it gives her the feeling of safety when she manipulates you. I don't know her, I could be wrong.

I don't think anyone should feel the obligation to be a safe person for someone. Because there is none.

You just slip out the back, Jack.
Make a new plan, Stan.
You don't need to be coy, Roy,
Just get yourself free.
Hop on the bus, Gus,
You don't need to discuss much.
Just drop off the key, Lee,
And get yourself free.

In all seriousness, I’d suggest promising specific regular occasions when you’d be happy to meet your ex as a friend, so that they aren’t left entirely without friendship and without events to look forward to. First Saturday afternoon of each month for the next 12 months, or some such.

I’d also recommend contacting a local autism support group who might be able to check in with your ex periodically to help them recover and move on. Ideally, they’d hang out with your ex right after each time your ex sees you, to help take your ex’s mind off you.

I'm pretty happy staying friends with my ex.

Romance is just something I tolerate because it's the only way for people to take me seriously.

Of course, the friendship with an ex lasts exactly as long as it takes them to get a new boyfriend.

Hope your partner gets the help they need and manage it.

Are her parents available for a conversation, with you (or someone who you feel can keep in touch with her and advocate for for / implement supports)?

This is not your job to manage, but if it would make you feel better, you can find someone to hand it off to, if theres no one, I would suggest contacting mental health services in your area?

Are any of these a possibility?

Sounds like borderline personality disorder behaviour to me.