Ask Lemmy
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, toxicity and dog-whistling are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com.
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
6) No US Politics.
Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world or !uspolitics@lemmy.world
7) No Hit-and-Run questions.
Please don't delete your post for no apparent reason. If you plan on deleting a question later, say so in the post, or if you feel that you have a good reason to remove it, message a mod beforehand. It's not fair to the ones who took their time to answer, and it's not in the spirit of the community.
8) No Bots.
Posts or comments from bots, LLM's, AIs, Neural Networks, Transformers, or Marvin the Paranoid Android are not welcome in AskLemmy. Real humans only please.
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
view the rest of the comments
I had amazing friends growing up. Now I feel like I have no friends at all. I just joke that I know a lot of people who would be offended if they heard me say that. The truth is I still have them but they all got married and had lives and kids. I rarely hear from them and see them even less frequently. Sometimes I feel like I just got left behind.
I'm struggling to think of any happy memories at the moment that aren't associated with negative memories later on. That's not to say I don't have any happy memories. I'm sure I have many. I'm just not in the headspace to find them.
It sounds like you’re feeling. understandably, lonely. Sometimes that’s because our relationships with our friends have changed, although it can akso be because we become a bit numb even to what is good for us.
I remember what it’s like not being in the headspace to find good memories. It really helped me to keep a mental journal of those. Although I did have to crawl out of a hole slightly first to be able for that.
One thing is for sure, your emotions are telling you that you need something and in my experience doing other things (like playing games etc) only amplifies them. It’s as if they’re demanding our attention and contact.
I do journal, but very infrequently. All the happy memories that came to mind were all of girls that eventually lead to heartache. It's hard to separate them when they're so tied together.
I can try to do something over the next few days. But sometimes it's the evening weekends that get really hard. When you somehow managed to scrape your way through work but there's nothing else to do. I used to drink probably too much. But even when I wasn't in the middle of something like this it had more to do with the damn boredom. Right now I'm actually too depressed to drink.
I would say every relationship I had was painful at the end. Breaking up is so hard whether it’s the person making the decision or the person who finds out. I look back on them fondly now, though, and I’m still friends with some of those. My last breakup was very amicable and we’re still besties.
The reason I say all that (and feel free to check out if this is getting too much) is I wonder do you tend to weigh the final moments more in your memories? I’ve been able to separate those breakups, depersonalise them and it’s left me with a solid footing where I look back and feel enriched by the relationship that preceded them.
Learning about cognitive distortions can maybe help a little here, especially maximisation (of the negatives) and minimisation (of the positives).
I think based on past experiences I have a major fear of abandonment, and I see every ending as being abandoned. I also have little to no confidence in my ability to meet anyone new. I feel like each time it happens that was my last chance.
It’s good to have that awareness. Fear of abandonment doesn’t just moderate how we connect with people, it moderates how we feel about connection, during connection, etc.
I’m not the biggest fan of CBT - I think it can be used in a way that’s too clinical rather than felt - but wading into the beliefs you have about abandonment and self-worth can be very valuable. We can’t confront something until we shine a light on it.
Once the beliefs and feelings are labeled to some extent, the next step with CBT could be to identify the cognitive ( C ) distortions in those beliefs and then explore what a more balanced substitute could look like. Then by examining the behavioural (B) influence those beliefs had on you, you can try out new behaviours too. That kind of therapy (T) can help flush emotional states that have been stuck for some time.
But the mechanics of CBT aren’t enough. A well attuned therapist is what makes it more than the sum of its parts.
At one point I bought CBT for Dummies but I didn't get very far. I'm trying to be introspective and examine why I feel this way, but I just end up in a spiral.
My therapist is pretty good, I think. I've had others in the past that took a more active approach, gave me more coaching, and stuff like that. This one does a lot more just listening and pointing things out. It's definitely possible there is one out there I would work better with, but we have a good rapport and I don't want to switch.
There is some research that the quality of the relationship (rapport, as you put it) is more important than modality with respect to outcomes. Your instincts sound good.
And yes, trying to do this ourself is like trying to put up a tent by oneself in my experience. We usually need a “spotter” at the very least.
Best of luck.