No Stupid Questions

Return it to Pepsi.

I discover the crashed F35 in my lone walk in the woods. As I start to take it apart for parts, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Lockheed. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the feds come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of FBI. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Lockheed to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the F35

question why in the hell I am in South Carolina?

Considering it is apparently a federal offense to tamper with aviation debris or accident scenes (assuming the plane looks intact) absolutely nothing, call local cops, they call AF.

Trade it in for a boatload of pepsi points.

Call the number on one of the "Plane missing! Have you seen me? ✈️ ✈️ ✈️" posters the Air Force put up all over the neighborhood.

Claim 10% finders fee and retire.

Announce an auction for the location on the War Thunder forums

Hotbox the cockpit. And this would only be the 2nd time I hotboxed the cockpit of a fighterjet.

Assuming I could figure out how to turn that thing on, I would definitely:

• Take off
• Go to maximum velocity
• Burn out all the fuel
• Acknowledge that I have no idea of where or how to land
• Look for the button to the ejection seat
• Glide down towards the equator
• Eyeball the necessary altitude
• Push the button
• Pull the parachute cord
• Flip both the birds
• Land on a beach
• Walk up to the bar
• Ask for a beer
• Run from the bill

Sit in the cockpit and make plane, missile, and machine gun noises since I don’t even know how to turn one on let alone fly it.

Just a reminder, the last guy to fly it took the seat with him.

Assuming no consequences, I'd love to open various panels and try and figure out what does what. It'd be really cool to see inside one of those.

Since it tricked the pilot into ejecting, I assume it's gone feral and is still buzzing around looking for a mate. If I didn't have a big net to snag it in, I'd have to build a wooden decoy or perhaps just leave a paddling pool full of jet fuel out in a clearing. I'd keep my distance at first and try to gain it's trust.

get as far away as possible, the smoldering wreckage will be full of toxic gasses and contaminants

It's a Marine F-35B and likely crashed into a lake.

Use it to fly back home, realize I don’t know how to fly. I’d assume crash after that, but there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be able to figure out how to turn it on, in which case I’d take a bus.

Stay away from it, I am fine flying paraglider or ultra-lights , but the F-35 crashes way too much to my taste

I'd go to the beach because I am somehow in South Carolina.

Also, I guess call the USAF and report the location.

Maybe they'd give me a ride to the beach as a thank you...

Call Kenny Loggins.

Grab any modular electronics, charter a boat to the Bahamas, divert to Cuba after stashing them on a deserted island along the way. Use a thumb drive of pictures to bargain for the gps coordinates to China.

Unless I thought of something better along the way.

id figure out how i can build a motor bike around one of the jets

How cool would it be to hook the joystick up to your PC? And a panel of switches or three.

Me? I would defect to Ukraine and really weird them out.

I'd steal the pilot SOB's glasses. So long, sucka! Nice half a jet you got there, corpse-looking bastard. haHAA

Is it wrecked or perfect?

If perfect: I'd totally try flying it. Probably crash, but it would be worth it to see how good all those flight sims where I've flown an F-35 stand up to reality.