Ask Lemmy

My wife and I have two sons, and it’s an obscene amount of work, but there’s nothing better than the simple joy of seeing them excel at something they love, or seeing their pride at a success.

You’re giving up proper sleep for a decade, and you’re forever ceding your ability to not worry about another person’s wellbeing, but on the whole it’s worth it.

The early years are punishing, there’s no way around it, but it gets easier as they get older.

I always thought I'd make a better uncle than a father. Time has proven me right.

I love kids and would be a great parent but no on all three counts. I'd have to put aside my own life, my own plans and all the weird fun stuff I do because of kids. Not to mention the cost, even just got giving birth, would be nuts.

Kinda like how I love dogs but don't want to be a dog owner.

Nope! No interest at all. I definitely don't regret it as a millennial.

I have always been fine with children. I think seeing other people raise them with love and care and real emotional availability is the most heartening thing ever! I've even teared up a little when i see them do it well and with real emotional availability.

I was never interested but i had the question about whether i would with the right partner well into my 20's. I never felt like it was something missing from my life. Now that I'm older i see my friends all across the spectrum about the choice from joy to regret. I am confident, learning about time commitment, cost, and thinking about the liability of a human life, that i would be deep on the regret end. In fact i see not having children as the best choice I've made in life.

I'm thoroughly happy and content being child free.

I have kids. I wouldn't trade them for the world. 90% of the time, they're fine. The other 10%, I'm so angry but I can't be angry for long because they didn't do anything I didn't do as a kid.

Hard to say if I regret anything. Too young and I would have struggled financially, nor was I mature enough. Too old and I would have struggled to keep up.

You're going to have a divide here. There's people who REALLY hate the idea of kids. Then you have the crazy-ass breeder religious folks who are so judgemental. Asking for validation from the internet about kids is silly imo. Everyone has a motive.

Rather than ask friends, family, strangers on the internet... Treat it like a lifestyle change. Read books about parenting. If that doesn't align with you, then you have your answer.

As you seem curious about the opinion of others I suggest reading research literature on the topic as it is probably better structured than a list of anecdotes from complete strangers. That being said in here at least you can dig deeper by asking questions back.

Anyway there is a field called the science of happiness that aggregates research in psychology, cognitive science, behavior science, economy, political economy, etc on what makes most people happy. Within this there are papers on relationships, family and raising kids. I warmly suggest reading on the topic. Last time I did read on it, which was a bit more than 5 years ago, one could roughly summarize that raising children brings for most people higher highs and lower lows. If your kid brings you a beautiful drawing from school, no matter how "ugly" it might look, you will be so proud it will brighten your day. On the other hand if they break their leg while cycling, you will feel even worst that if you broke your own leg. So... on average people feel about as happy with and without kids BUT the way they feel can be more intense.

I warmly recommend https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/ and https://www.drlauriesantos.com/happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos-podcast to discover more on the topic. Specifically in your case https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/parenting_family

Having a kid has helped me learn and realize so much about myself and my life that I wouldn't have been able to learn otherwise. The same can be said about many of my other major life experiences. Sometimes I miss being alone and being able to do whatever the fuck I want, but I realize I'm still learning how to balance my life and seeing my child every day makes me happy (even if she is going through a hellion phase).

I didn't want kids for the longest time. Then I met my husband and wanted to make a family. We were fortunate to have two lovely girls (after three unfortunate miscarriages). Actually, I think it was after the first miscarriage that my desire for a baby was truly solidified.

Life is chaotic and busy and expensive but I wouldn't trade it for life before kids.

I sort of thought that I didn't want kids even though I was married and finances would not be a problem. And then I had a kid, and it is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life.

No. Wanted kids, but it didn't happen with either wife (sequential, not simultaneous). Current wife can't any more for medical reasons. And frankly I don't want to have a teenager while I'm in my 60s, so I think I'm done anyway.

I would like to have kids, but I do have nieces I can take whenever I want and give back whenever I'm done. Kind of the best of both worlds.

Honestly I’m not sure I’d recommend it. It’s really hard and it completely changing everything: life, marriage, work life balance, sleep, stress, etc.

I wouldn’t change having one but it was not made clear to me how unbelievably hard it is.

If you’re in a culture where you parents actually help it’s more doable. Assuming you’re a westerner then it’s hard.

I've taken care of various small animals my whole life; the next logical thing would be a kid. Or a horse.

Horse'd be cheaper, I reckon. And I can't afford that, so no way could I afford a kid.

Nope, and very glad I didn't.

I'm a woman, and absolutely not. This world isn't going to be viable or have any positives for non-rich-as-fuck people, and I certainly can't give that to a baby. There isn't any more point to procreate - humans made sure of it.

I got snipped in my 30s before having any kids. I have numerous physical and mental issues that I didn't really care to pass down. Before I was married, I did date a couple women in my past who did have kids, so I'm not opposed to that side of it. At this point, in my mid 40s, adopting seems fairly unlikely.

I don't worry about or miss anything specifically. We have plenty of nieces and nephews (and now some great- ones on my side since my younger stepsister and her son had kids quite young) that I can spoil.

I do somewhat worry about setting up proper care for us as we get older, particularly my wife who will almost certainly outlive me by a bigger margin, but having kids wouldn't guarantee that or anything anyway, particularly with the ratrace that is the current Japanese job market and culture.

Have kids. I absolutely adore my kids and have no regrets, but also recognize that I'm in a relatively stable situation where having kids doesn't create other unmanageable challenges for me and my wife. We carefully considered our capacity to have and raise kids. They were not all comfortable conversations. I am glad to have waited to have kids until I was in a good and stable place, and also can no longer imagine what it would have been like to not have these absolutely wonderful little monsters both spoiling and making every moment more magnificent.

I do not have kids. I fiercely disprove of the idea of havnig kids without having a person to have those kids with.

I finally met somebody I would probably have them with.

But shes already past menopause, so it's not going to happen.

And that's cool, we're DINKY-ing it out.

I’m nearing an age where it’s not going to be physically possible for me to have my own soon, and my overwhelming feeling is ‘good.’ I never wanted to get pregnant and was always told I’d change my mind. Well, if I do, it’s going to be when I’m at an age where I’m far too old for it to matter anyway, lol.

I have a 7yo son and I do not regret having him at all.

I became a father pretty late in life, so I did all the traveling and partying I could before. Everybody around me started having kids anyway, and less friends where available when we were making plans.

Sure, life changes drastically when you have a child, but with a family of my own I now feel more rooted in life. It's a quality of it's own.

It was a nice time before, and I sure miss being able to decide more independently how to spend my time. But our family is a team with common interests and we enjoy spending time together.

As my son starts to be more independent himself, we now start following our own plans again one bit at a time. It is definitely a give and take scenario, but we three get a lot from it 😊.

Edit: More words to make things clearer.

I'm not one of those people who loves being a parent. You know the kind, the mom who loves having all the kids in the neighborhood over and cleans every mess with a big smile. I have two kids and they often drive me crazy. But I never regret having them.
They constantly fight with each other, whine that this or that is unfair, refuse to listen exactly when you're in rush to get them to school, leave the entire house in a mess and in general manage to find new and inventive ways to make your day that little bit more challenging.
But they're the sweetest and most wonderful thing to have happened to me at the same time. I love everything about them and couldn't imagine my life without them. Even my eldest son, who is hitting puberty and can reach maximum sarcasm with even the smallest of expressions, shows so much care and affection when it comes down to it. I could go on and on about how wonderful they are, but I think you get the idea :)

The thing is though, as others have said, parenthood is a major investment of your time and energy. Your life will never be the same again, ever. So if you do decide to become a parent, accept your fate and make the best of it. Those wonderful child-free years are gone and will never come back again.
I don't mean to sound very gloomy about it, but it's just an inescapable fact if you want to try and be a good parent.

One thing that helped for me though, is find someone in a likewise position and share your burdens. I have a friend at work who has two kids of about the same age, and she goes through the same struggles as me. We always complain about our kids to each other, knowing that it's just something you need to get off your chest once in a while. It's usually about small stuff like a daughter exploding in the morning because she can't find her pencil case, or some other minor drama. Our other coworkers always think that we hate being parents, and joke that our stories are probably responsible for a large part of the birth decline :)
But it feels so good to know that you're not the only one struggling. So many parents like to put up this facade of being a perfect family, and it can make you feel like you're doing something wrong. But everyone has struggles, it doesn't make you a bad parent.

Sorry, I'm getting a bit off topic. It's just that I have a lot of feelings about it, and it's not always been easy. And if you decide to be a parent, it won't be easy for you either. But if you're willing to put in the effort, it'll be worth it in the end. Just make sure you have someone to talk to, and don't be too hard on yourself.

I have a young kid and about to have another one. I'm very happy with them. It's like I'm rising a puppy that can talk. I have a job flexible wfh work. So, I can take care of them with my partner.

The only downside are that I have a very small window of personal time, and I can't take too much financial risk as I used to, which is a good thing.

I think the decision making process behind having a kid is similar to the process when we decided to have a dog. You shouldn't have a dog just because someone push a pressure on you or something.

I'm a yes on kids and no regrets on having them. But I have a few comments on it.

• Kids can be very different. Don't decide based on how much you like someone else's kid.
• Having kids is great and gives life meaning and all that crap, but very few people start wanting kids after having them. If you aren't sure you want kids, please don't have kids! Not even one! The very least you owe a kid is a parent that wants them.
• If you do have kids, read a parenting book. Even better, read one or two every year. There are heaps of ideas on getting kids to cooperate, and arguably more important, making sure you don't actively hurt them, don't destroy their self esteem, make them live in fear of you, etc. I say read many because you'll find common themes, and ideas that click with you and work with your unique kids. One of the first ones I read suggested buying a baby gate so you could lock your two year old in their room alone when they were "naughty", pretty glad I kept reading other books.

And this is important to me but apparently not so much to others, but we are well onto the area of unsolicited advice and I'm rambling now so I'm just gonna say it: you have one job, you're raising adults. Make them cable, functioning adults but even more so do everything you can to make sure they make it to adulthood in good shape! Teeth get brushed twice a day, every day, no exceptions. Put them in a car seat every single time, don't be that parent driving their preschooler around with no car seat. The recommendations for what age to use car seats until are probably a lot older age than you're expected, do some reading. (also no kids under 12 in the front seat if there's an air bag). Watch them properly near water. Driveways are not playing areas. If you live near an ozone hole like I do then it's important to know that one bad sunburn as a kid can be a death sentence when they are older.

A shitload of kids never grow up for completely preventable reasons. One. Job. If you're gonna do it, make sure you take it seriously.

Also we live in different times. Google the shit out of any question you have. You can use incognito for the really stupid ones but still Google them if you aren't sure and it might be important.

Yes this rant was brought to you by some horrifying things I've seen.

Yep, 3. I like to explain things to people, now I get to be the smartest person in the room for a while. It’s great.

nope, not now or in the future, no.

simplest answer ever.

No. No. And no.

I have one child, now adult, who reminds me every day that she didn’t ask to be born and wishes she hadn’t been. It’s hard to explain to someone without the life experience of it all but I couldn’t have known how shit the world was about to get when she was born (summer 2001) so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Every single day of her life has been hard both for her and us in various ways. And I wish the world was gentler for her.

Suffice to say, I can’t believe there are any people actively trying to bring new people in to the world right now. Shit has been bleak as fuck for decades and it gets worse every day. Even the new plague didn’t help. I feel bad enough knowing the world she was introduced to is so terrible but I didn’t know it was going to be. But now? Guys it’s actually very bad, how could you present this to a new innocent person like,”here’s life! Enjoy!” Pass.

No. No. No.

I don't and I don't plan to. It's however too soon to tell wether I'll regret that or not. Time will tell.

I can see the appeal of having kids but my current lifestyle is that I do what I want when ever I want and I don't really plan things ahead. I don't want to take the risk of having kids and then having to dramatically change my lifestyle only to realize it's not what I wanted and now I can no longer go back. I think that to have kids you have to want it. Now I just feel like it's something that's expected of me and I don't think that's a good reason to go ahead with it.

I do not have kids. I got sterilized (had my fallopian tubes removed) in my mid 30s. I never really felt the urge to have them, and the idea of having them became more and more of an icky thought. I am a sleepy person who wakes up at noon on weekends. I'm messy and forget the laundry in the machine. I'm self centered and like to spend what I earn on me, or choose when I feel like gifting and giving to others. I'm picky, I like to find things exactly how I left them, and I don't like sharing with people who aren't my husband. I'm not a bad person, I just understand my behaviors and realize that I don't really have a responsibility to change as long as I'm child free. Add to that the fact that I have so many hobbies, a close knit group of friends, and a bunch of pets - I never feel bored or lonely and I know it'll only get better with age. Kids just never factored in.