Coffee

Grounds in paper filter, dunk in water, then suck on it like it's a used teabag. Bonus points if you have a cup of water nearby to re-moisten the grounds every so often.

Just tell them you add fish sauce to your coffee for the umami factor and that, really, they should try

pour grounds directly into hot water (boil it, who even gives a fuck, but don’t you dare put a thermometer in there), pour through a fine mesh strainer, tell yourself the grit builds grit.

Make a pot of tea?

Edit: nm... Missed the still needs to be technically coffee stipulation

I think the worst and most offensive coffee I ever drank was out of a vending machine which also served soup through the same nozzle.

Just Folgers pre-ground. No matter what you do it's coming out like it filtered through grampa's coffin.

UNSUBSCRIBE

The one I experienced in France long ago. We had been driving through the night and were in desperate need for coffee, so we stopped at a small rest stop. Ordered coffees for all of us.

They had a large, battered metal pot on the stove, and used a soup ladle to pour the coffee into the mugs. Complete with coffee grounds. Nobody knows how long this stuff was simmering there. It could have been days. Or weeks. Or since B.C.

I like my coffee strong, but that stuff was vile.

I'm not a regular user of caffeine but when I need a cup of coffee or tea it's instant coffee or tea bag with hot tap water, and a 30 second microwave to get it hotter. Still tastes better than most fast food joints that have long drive thru lines in the morning for burnt shit in a cup.

Use an espresso machine, but keep pressing the button until it's filled the (large) cup all the way up.

Chew coffee beans and swish hot water in your mouth.

Just eat the beans.

Instant coffee - tip from a instant coffee drinker

I think making bad coffee in a bad way is not offensive to coffee snobs. What would be offensive to coffee snob would be to get some extremely expensive boutique coffee beans and prepare them in a snob way where each step is wrong. Example:

• get single original, unwashed fermented with who knows what 80€/kg beans
• prepare them with a Chemex, using a recycled filter paper (if this ever exists)
• measures your beans in a measuring cup, 5 cups / L of water
• grind the beans with a blender (any grind size is fine)
• skip weting the filter, just put your grinded beans in the filter
• boil a tap water kettle to 100°C
• pour all the water at once until the filter is topped up (do not measure obviously)
• wait until it drains
• server and enjoy

Coffee snob here. I once talked at lengths about how great specialty coffee is, the breadth and depth of flavours, the intricacies of extraction, etc. bla bla.

When i was done, he just looked at me and said “you know, sometimes when i get to work early in the morning and there is still left over coffee in the machine from the day before i just poor it in in my mug and drink it”

So yeah i think one day old, stale, cold, cheap supermarket coffee is up there i think. I don’t think you need to be a snob to find that offensive

I just showed this post to a coffee aficionado. He only made it through a couple of comments, let out the biggest sigh I've ever heard from him and handed me my phone back.

Why are you trying to make coffee when you could just get it from Starbucks?

Grab a used cup of instant ramen from your trash, add coffee beans (don't grind them), add water from tap (any temperature is fine), put paper ramen lid on top and allow to steep. Forget about it and then drink it an hour lster.

As a different approach is coffee ice cream technically coffee? Scoop into mug, put in microwave, and heat until mug is unsafe to touch.

Get instant cafe and sniff it like cocaine. Like they do in orange is the new black

powder coffee (Löskaffee in german, not sure how to translate this properly)

edit: instant coffee

edit 2: it is delicious btw. the only reason why it's "anti-elitist" is because it's not spending a lot of money on luxury products. one package with 200g or sth has lasted me more than a year now.

"Laziest", an "get creative", are in conflict.

Step A) Mix 1 Tbs of instant coffee for each 2oz of roasted beans. In an old crew sock.

Step B) Put the sock on the counter.

Step C) Hit the sock repeatedly with a cast iron skillet for about 5 minutes.

Step D) put the sock with coffee still inside inside a 40 oz stanley tumbler.

Step E) drive around until you find someone having a baby at home.

Step F) wait to see if the baby lives. If so they won't need the pot of water they bolied to make dead baby soup. Congratulate them and take thier water while it is still steaming.

Step G) pour the water into your Stanley and decant your fresh coffee. Should be ready in 5 minutes. Remove the sock, squeeze out any coffee juices into Stanley.

Step H) enjoy?

Chew coffee beans to paste, gargle boiling water for 60 seconds, swallow