No Stupid Questions

Well I look at it like this: I don't really care that much personally about my friends mundane things, but I do care about mine. I think that there isn't a reason for them to care about my mundane things, but I enjoy having my mundane things listened to. I like that reciprocity, so I made an effort to listen and ask questions that show I'm engaged in the conversation. I try to express empathy by saying when a situation sounds tough or fun. I have noticed that "showing up" for the conversation is what our friends want a lot of the time, and that's what we want as well a lot of the time. I have also noticed that after a few sessions of "showing up", I can actually get engaged and move beyond just showing up. I have a buddy who has a sick grandma, and the first few mentions of her I kinda had the same thoughts, like, I don't care about this lady, why should I listen. I showed up anyways and it led to some interesting conversation about the nature of mental illness because she was remembering very vivid details from her past and that led to some interesting convos about all that. I think that being able to find the enjoyment in a small talk conversation is definitely a skill, but it is rewarding in both your interpersonal relationships and in learning new things through unexpected exposure to new concepts. As a fellow autist, I'm pretty information driven, but neurotypical people, I think, are more feelings driven. The small talk stuff is super important to them and they put that up front first, I guess to judge your character? I'm not sure why, but I have noticed better interactions after I have engaged in small talk. It really is a trainable skill and when you get good at small talk, it can be enjoyable!

Hmm. Being interested in what is going on in your friends or loved ones life is a way of caring about a person. Do you like to share any details about your life at all with friends or family? What connects you to these people? Or is it you just don't care about these parts of others lives?

I wouldn't call it dishonest it would call it caring for another human being doing things you don't care for for another person builds closeness, familiarity, and tightens bonds. Knowing or listening to details of other people's lifes just deepens lore and fills out things that are happening in someone's life.

You are probably a bit autistic. As you see the world a bit as black and white and don't understand why you do a thing you dont like. That or you don't actually care about these other people and you are narcissistic and only using these people. The world is gray.

I like stories of babies if they're not complaints. Vacation I basically think of it as ideas for my next vacation where you can ask stuff like "how was public transport?" or whatever

I care for up to 10-15 minutes per topic.

If it turns into an hour long presentation, my level of caring drops off significantly.

I am on the spectrum. And no, i don't. And I don't think of it as being an asshole, I simply don't care about it because it just is something unimportant. I mean, if something bad happened to them, I'll be the first one to ask, but if they are telling me how nice was their trip it's like... well, yeah? It's expected. You make a trip to have a good time, so of course you had a good time.

I guess i consider it innecessary because is the expected outcome.

With that said, I will listen to what they say and remember it, but that doesn't mean I find it interesting unless there is something remarkable about it.

Even if you don't care, it's probably a good idea to at least pay attention to the announcement of a new baby, because this is a new person, who will be a significant influence on their life and may have some impact on your own. Later on, it's considered polite to at least ask "and how's (name of spouse) and (name of child or children, or you can say "the kids"). One isn't expected to remember every detail, but at least acknowledge they exist.

Sure, I was always interested to see where everyone was traveling. That's what I had Facebook for until it turned to shit.

I don't have to hear anything about babies though.

Yes. It's called empathy.

You may not have a vested interest in the particular story, but the very act of someone that you care about (presumably) being excited about something should at least bring some sort of good feeling to you. When people I care about are enjoying something, it makes me happy. So while their kid pictures, or vacation pictures or whatever might not be interesting to me, the fact that they care enough about me to want to SHOW them to me, should give you a warm feeling.

That being said, no...I'm not going to dunk for not feeling that. It's different from person to person certainly; and I (and here I'm going to revert to my "old man yells at clouds" mode) feel like modern friendships are just different. We are suddenly in an age where having a few close friends has been replaced with having a tonne of "shallow" friends that you meet online. They're still "friends", but beyond texting and playing together online, you never see each other, never get closer than that. And certainly it would be a different feeling entirely. But the cadre of close friends that I made while working at Sears in 1998, and who I still talk to almost every day and see regularly, of COURSE I'm going to care.

I am autistic, and honestly OP, I feel very similar. But based on the comments, I'm starting to think that we're both narcissists haha

I have this particular issue with a house mate who is self-obsessed and wants to do nothing but brag about his charisma and intelligence to anyone who dares come downstairs for a split second. He'll go on for hours, and re-tell everything if someone else comes in. He kind of caricature-ises this whole experience for me. He has trapped me in a convo for so long that I've had evening plans ruined, even after telling him multiple times that I've got to go. No point pretending with him, you literally have to just ignore his existence and leave. Grim.

With friends and family? It depends.

For friends, I care if they're very close (1 of a handful of people), not because of the topic itself. What I'm really listening out for is how they have been affected by the experience.

For more distant friends, acquaintances, colleagues... generally no.

Depends how close i am to them. If it's a passive acquaintance I'm like, happy for them but in a fleeting sort of way?

Yes I do care.

I don’t care about literally everything. But I do about most of it and love seeing it.

I find it interesting to hear about, was just talking to a somewhat stranger about his holiday today.

I do care. It makes them happy, I want them to be happy, so transitively, yes.

Absolutely I care, and I want all of the details and pictures. It brings me great joy to see my homies living exciting lives, and I'm thankful to be part of that. With children, especially - they feel like nieces and nephews and I am inherently invested in their wellbeing and success, even for long-distance friendships in which I've never met the kiddos.

I don't have any family of my own, so my Will and estate is divided amongst my friends, and those with kids are allotted a bigger piece of the pie so they can put it towards their college or whatever when I die.

Kids? Not really. But if I didn't care about stuff in their life then I don't think we're really friends.

In general I don't care. I too have come to realize that I'm autistic. It's a shame that I didn't understand this until my 40's.

I have found though that I will care if it's a topic I am also interested in. Babies don't interest me, and in fact annoy me. So that one is out. Most life events, don't care.

Vacation stuff? Ok now I'm listening because I do like to travel and I may learn something. Wanna discuss engineering? We could go for hours.

I guess the threshold is, will I get anything out of this conversation? Which, maybe is selfish, maybe it's autism, I donno. I'm happy that you're happy about the thing but if I'm being honest with myself I don't care unless it effects me.

That's specific to the topics OP is describing and not all conversations. If someone is in need of guidance of something I'm happy to share my knowledge. I am fortunately not a narcissist.

I'm also fascinated to know this

Depends on the event. I dont care for babies, but I'm happy for them if they go on a nice vacation and I might consider their destination for myself if they recommend it.

for the duration of our contact i am concerned for their well being. beyond that they usually spend less time in my mind than the current rerun of grimm

Yes, I care about all of that, and I'll ask regularly about them and what's going on.

It depends. Mostly I care, a new baby is a big deal, I think about how it will affect them, what the child might be like, the fact that I will probably still be spending time with that child in ten years.

Holidays I care if they're interesting. If someone goes somewhere I've always wanted to go I might have questions, if they've been somewhere I've been I might chat about what I liked. But when people try to tell you a detailed recount of some trip, it can be very boring. My parents are particularly bad at reminiscing together while notionally telling me, so they keep going "where was it we ate the second day? No that was the other place" it's awful. But it's a chance for them to feel happy about their holiday again, so I try to be patient, and I remember how many times my parents pretended to be interested as I explained how I was doing at some computer game or whatever.

But to answer your question, it sounds like you care less than most. But everyone cares less than the people who's life event it is. There's lots of scenes in comedies about people hating hearing about new babies, or being forced to look at holiday photos. So you're not alone!

I like when people tell me about good things they had, awesome stuff they experienced etc etc because for me their happiness and enthusiasm is contagious. If my friends are happy and sharing it with me, my mood also goes up. Maybe it's because hearing about good things gets your brain into thinking/remembering good things, or maybe it's just good to see your friends in high spirits and enthusiastic about something, I do not know.

But as the old saying goes, shared joy is a doubled joy, shared sorrow is a halfed sorrow

I do care about the life of my friends. I'm autistic too. I love to hear their stories. Although there are some which I do not care about. Like their kids. I don't like them, I don't want to see pictures, I couldn't care less about whatever dumb, funny or smart thing they did. And I tell them. "Hey dude, nice you have a kid but it's not for me." same goes for football or formula 1. You can talk to me about it, but I'll just be thinking about fun stuff and won't hear a thing you said.

I prefer to talk to people and hear their stories when it's something I'm interested in. It generally helps to ask about those things, stimulating them to talk about something you actually like. But sometimes people just need to vent stuff and it's good to listen, even though it doesn't really interest you. But giving them a moment for it makes them feel good. But instead of acting like you like it so they will continue to talk about it, after giving them their moment for a bit, change the subject to something you like. At least that works for me. And now my friends know what I'm interested in, and likewise, so we know what we can talk about and do so neither of us gets bored.

For instance, some like to squash. I don't. Some also like to play boardgames, like me. They don't ask me to join them for squash, but they do ask me to play a boardgame. Some of my friends talk about football but they know I hate it so they talk about world domination to me instead (/jk).

If you have no common ground with someone, I don't understand how you can be friends. Everything in the relationship you have with someone would be fake. But if there is common ground, you should focus on that and be honest about what that is for you. Friends become better friends when they know the real you and accept you for who you are. If not, they are bad friends.

I usually like to hear about people's travels to xyz. I find it less interesting to know about who had a baby, who's engaged with whom etc. but baby pictures are kinda cute. Usually though the purpose of hearing people talk about therir trip is to tell another mutual friend/family member that "person abc went to country xyz" or "had a baby with xyz". But sometimes you wonder how it would be like to visit that country yourself, or if you have been then how their trip compared to yours, so hearing stories from people you know are good insights.

It can drag on after a while, so when some anecdote goes on too long I try to fast forward towards the end of the trip, ask more about the trip that I want to hear about, or ask "did you bring anything back?" As the last question before changing the subject.

I like telling anyone who's interested about train stuff, and I'll share my travels in conversation, but I try to limit it to showing one or two pictures/videos off my phone and just the highlights in a few sentences.

If i have somewhere else to be or am short on time, then yea, i cant wait for them to finish telling me whatever they are telling me. Otherwise i can usually challange them with some questions or Insights, to create a two way conversation. Sure, if the person is someone i dont know well, ill usually not ask questions, and i am indeed not interested.

Absolutely not. I'd be surprised if anybody actually cares.