Parenting

Struggling to find a connection is normal for a first-time dad. As I get bigger and they start taking on attributes you'll find there a reflection of you and that's really cool and it's really rewarding to see your energy that you put into a child bloom and grow.

Like everyone else has already said, perfectly normal for a Dad this early in the game and sadly for a Mum too. You will likely only see them as a crying poop machine at this age, sapping your life force away.

I guarantee that will change. How strongly and what to, I can't say but it will. Took me just over a year. Once they started walking, smiling, saying my name and then I really got into when I started taking days off to take them into town or to a park. Just seeing the smile and excitement on their face and hearing them saying thank you, the hardship was worth it!

Some advice though - I would be open with your wife. It's easy to try and suck it up and do everything to support her because she has had a baby and is struggling to, right? Sure, but it is a team effort. Have a chat about whether there is a happier medium that makes dealing with the hardships more equal. For example, we took it in 3 hour shifts at night to see to the babybfor a long time so the other could get some interrupted sleep.

Parenthood, especially early on, is a trial! It will be that way until they become and adult and move out. The trial changes everyday. If it isn't poop, it's mood swings as they get older or tantrums.

All I can say is, as they get older, go out of your way to make time for you and them to bond and just maybe it all feels worth it. It has for me, wouldn't have it any other way.

Dad of a toddler with another on the way (mostly mentioning it because my experience with a newborn is relatively recent in memory). A lot to unpack here. First of all, breathe. It'll be okay.

While it certainly sounds like having a kid wasn't what you wanted and it probably wasn't the right decision, it's the one you made, so the focus now should be on how best to help you, your wife, and your child.

The good news is the absolute hardest part of raising a kid, especially your first, is the newborn stage. It gets a little bit easier with every week that passes. Sleep deprivation is a bitch and frankly, I wouldn't put too much stock in your emotions because in all likelihood, they are probably pretty out of wack right now. I remember inexplicably sobbing at 3 in the morning (while trying to get my son back to sleep) because I was so tired. It made no sense, but I was just exhausted.

As for the crying, it may not help you, but I find it helpful to recognize a baby crying for what it actually is: a communication tool. In fact, it's the one of the only communication tools a newborn has. When they cry, they are doing their job and telling you they have a need that needs to be met. So instead of getting irritated when they cry, you basically just run through a checklist of possible things they need, and try them out until you figure out what it is they needed. Fortunately the list of things they need at this stage are pretty simple: it's almost always food, sleep, or possibly a diaper (my son did not care one bit about dirty diapers though, heh). Sometimes it also might be something else like overstimulation. But it's never really inexplicable and you can learn their specific cues to more quickly narrow down what they need. You can also often prevent crying by paying attention to their non-verbal communication before they start crying: e.g, a baby will do things like rooting or sticking out their tongue when they are hungry well before they start crying for food, or get pinkness around their eyes when they are tired.

You absolutely should first and foremost try to get whatever help you can get from family and friends, if you can. It helps immensely to have a support system to lean on, even if it's something as simple as helping with cleaning or just giving you guys a break (especially important to make time for each other, too).

As for bonding, this is going to sound a bit odd, but it's really worth trying. Something they teach you in childbirth classes is that spending extended amounts of time doing skin to skin contact with your baby (so shirt off for you, diaper only for the baby) is really valuable for bonding (even for dads), and from personal experience I can say this is true. I did it a number of times in my son's first few weeks and it definitely made a difference. It's basically a chemical effect on you and your baby's brain chemistry and it is pretty powerful. It's also the same for mothers and babies and it's why hospitals will have mother and baby do immediate skin contact as soon as they are born. I think it really helps you appreciate what it is that you have now.

The other thing is that your relationship with your kid is something that grows with time, especially as they get older and more interactive. It takes a few months for them to start smiling and laughing at you, and honestly once they do (and you can make them laugh), it's a game changer. It's so much fun, and just gets more fun as they get older.

As for your wife, you may already know this, but she's likely experiencing post-partum depression. What she's feeling are real feelings, but likely not based on anything rational. Human brains are just weird little things. Massive hormonal changes really fucks with brain chemistry and makes a lot of new moms have really uncharacteristic mood and behavior. Her system has been flooded with all sorts of shit for the last 9 months and giving birth is where it all comes crashing down. It's not uncommon to prescribe anti-depressants temporarily to help new moms until things start to balance out again. Also, she should really get off TikTok/Instagram. That shit is toxic as fuck and WILL make you unhappy.

And, if it helps: there's so much garbage information out there for new parents and it's really fucking hard to figure out what's good advice or not. Here's the real deal about breastfeeding: it is by no means a requirement. Not even close. Yes, it has some benefits if you can do it, and it's worth trying. But it is massively, and I mean MASSIVELY overblown on the internet. Pumping is perfectly fine, and many mothers do it exclusively (my sister-in-law mostly did, in fact). Formula is also perfectly fine. And a baby falling asleep while eating is REALLY FUCKING NORMAL, especially after they are just born! That being said, it can be helpful to try to start a pattern of offering food as soon as they wake up, if you aren't already, since they'll be most alert then and more likely to get more milk that way.

Part of being a new parent is learning to tune all that stupid shit out and make decisions for your baby based solely on what your pediatrician says and your own judgement. Even your own parents' advice should be taken with a huge grain of salt, both because their experience is very out of date (AAP recommendations have changed a lot over the years) and they can't remember what it was actually like very well. It's something I wish I could go back and tell our past selves.

And props to her on the milk supply, that's no easy feat. Guard it well and try not to waste any of it, because overproduction is typically only temporary until her body adjusts to your baby's actual needs. Always try to restock what you use as much as possible. Oh, and keep an eye out for mastitis (clogged milk ducts that get infected). It's super easy to get in the initial period of overproduction, because the breasts are frequently fuller than the baby actually needs, and prolonged full breasts can clog easily. Mastitis can easily burn through your supply (it can make it so the baby can't easily get milk, and it takes time to clear up with antibiotics).

Anyway, hang in there. Newborns are the hardest and it does get a lot easier and more fun/rewarding.

I don't care for people in their larval stages either. I've never found babies cute and the sound of crying makes me angry, not sympathetic

What is fun though, is experiencing the world fresh through their eyes as they get older and develop the ability to communicate, and shifting some goals and focus to create great experiences for them

5 kids is fucking crazy though especially in the world today, Jesus

You started your post by saying you didn't want kids. That's why you're struggling. Your wife made you go against your values and now you have a huge responsibility.

I can see you have already gotten a lot of good advice, but I'm still going to share my story

For a man, getting a child is boring as fuck the first half a year. That's just how it's. Most mom's essentially gets a head start on bonding with the kid by being pregnant. And its super normal not feeling anything, it just takes time. Just do your best getting as much skin-to-skin contact, I think it helps with the bonding. And its super important for the child, so win-win. If you do it mostly while they're sleeping, you can watch tv, look at your phone. And if you have one of those gaming chairs that recline all the way back, you can even play computer if you're into that.

Then we wanted another kid, and after like half a year my wife got pregnant again, and we're where super glad. But I think a couple of months before the kid came out, I got postpartum depression. And I fucking hated my own kid, I could not stand her. And wanted nothing to do with her. I half remember not wanting anything to do with the baby, but honestly everything is a haze from that period.

In the end, I think after half a year, my wife gave me a ultimatum, either I seek professional help or we breakup and I leave for good. And that was the kicker for me half realising I needed help. Lucky at the time, I was 24 years old. And therapy is free when you're under 25, as we had no money.

I think I went to therapy for a couple of months, and luckily I was slowly getting better.

Now it's about 3 years later, I don't have an inch of depression anymore, and I love my kids more than anything.

Last month we just got our third kid, a now it's way easier bonding with her, because I already know what it entails. But it's still true, it's boring as fuck, she just lays there, and don't do much of anything.

But every month something new happens, and it's gets just a little better.

My other kids are now 3 and 5, and they're the most fun I have ever had with them. I pretend to be s monster and I chase them around, and they running and screaming for their life, while laughing their ass of! it's honestly one of the best feeling and I love it.

But I won't pretend everything is good. We still have to raise them, and it's still hard work everyday! And a lot of time, it's not fun getting angry at your kids, because they straight up just don't listen to you.

All I wanted to say, at first, it just seems like ekstra work and it's! But over the next couple years, when they start becoming an actual human, and you can start playing with them. That's when all the work starts paying off. And Luckily time goes fast when you get kids, almost too fast. And now my oldest is starting school next year, and I already feel like I'm not ready for her to grow up that much!

It will definitely get better, it just takes time, and everything you're feeling, is valid and normal. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

And please just ask if you would like to know anything, or want me to elaborate, if I have explained something badly. I wrote everything on mobile, so sry for formatting or spelling mistakes.

It gets easier. The first 3 months are absolutely terrible.

I didn't want kids. Shit happened. It took about 18 months for me to feel anything for my kid. Those 18 months were a war against sleep deprivation and time deprivation. The wife left a year or two later. Left my kid with me. Single dad shit for the next, well, going on 25 years now. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I'm still sick with guilt bringing a kid into this fucked up world, but I love my kid.

This doesn't help you, but I also got a vasectomy about 6 months after he was born. I should have done it earlier. My advice to anyone is, don't have fucking kids. Get a vasectomy ASAP and live your life. Unless you come from big time old money, or get incredibly lucky, kids just add incredible stress and money drain for a minimum of a couple of decades.

Dad to dad, you'll feel the bond when the kid becomes more interactive and rational. Moms can connect that little blob with no problem. It's tougher for dads, at first. It all balances out though. What you are feeling is normal. Just stick with it and don't cheat on your wife.

The number one piece of advice a number of dads have given me is: if you don't want kids, don't have kids. I would add to this: if you don't feel ready for kids, don't have kids. And your situation is exactly why this advice applies.

I recommend leaning on your social networks for help with childcare. Your mom likes the baby? Great! She can take care of them 2 nights per week while you catch up on everything and find some sanity.

Your wife forced you to have a baby. Force her to seek more help. Recruit her friends and family if you need to. She wanted this, but you are doing all the work. She needs to get her shit together so she can help out.

Sorry dude, but you've basically blown up your life for the next decade. If you don't really like the kid by then, probably the best case is to get a divorce and bounce. Pay child support. Take the kid in a cool trip once per year. Then you can live the life you want, and the kid won't go through puberty with a dad who resents them around all the time.

I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it's a job and I hate my job even though I'm killing it in the effort game.

You will love your kid, don't worry about that. Maybe you already do. There is no ah-ha moment, so it's hard to tell. It's not the same feeling as loving a significant other or a parent. It's something else entirely and you've never experienced it before, you probably don't realize you have it. My wife was the same way, took her a bit, but she loves it now.

You are killing it in the effort game. You've done an amazing job so far. Frankly, if what you say is true, you're making most of us look pretty bad, myself included. Be proud. Also get your mom to help. From an evolutionary perspective, that's what grandmas are for, so don't feel bad asking for help.

I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don't have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don't feel like that), not understanding what it means to be "happy"...stuff like that.

First, you're exactly the type of person who should be having a kid. So many intelligent, good, empathetic, introspective people choose not to have kids because of the reasons you listed, but let's be honest, they're scared little bitches. You're not one of them anymore. You have a living, breathing stake in the future and you have your shit together because you had a kid on purpose. Could your shit be more together? Perhaps. Does it need to be? No. Your shit is good enough. People in worse situations have kids and it works out.

If you and people like you didn't have kids, then the only people having kids would be... bad. It would be bad and we can't have that. So thank you, there will now likely be another good, intelligent, empathetic, and introspective person to take your place someday.

Second, I don't know what it means to be happy either but I don't care. I think that makes me happy in some way. But who knows, all I know is I'm not sad, and that's good enough for me.

Third, you'll be able to do the things you want to do. Things are a bit busy at the moment but as others have said it'll get easier. Your wife will continue to recover (but beware post partium depression) and your kid will get more and more capable. It happens fast.

Lastly, ask yourself why the crying bothers you so much? If it's just the volume, then wear ear protection. That helped me. If it's not the volume, then what is it?

Antidepressants changed my life. Please ask a doctor for the form awe if your qualify

First, get some help. If your mom can come and just do something, anything then you'll have a moment to breathe.

The first three weeks are the absolute hardest. Its not that things get magically easier, just everyone involved levels up. It gets easier again at 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months and then their personality really starts to shine.

I felt something right away. Definitely peak experience. But I don't think it helped with the difficulty of the first three weeks. What did help is the in-laws coming for a couple of weeks after the first month.

By month three, sleep was still an issue, but things were much, much easier.

Get help. Get a meal train. Prioritize and let the less important things go.

I've always felt like living with the grandparents and uncles/aunts was a key component of making child-raising bearable. Two people isn't enough for one baby.

The first few months kind of suck. No one likes being sleep deprived. And they don't do anything yet, so at best you have something kind of cute to look at, when it isn't screaming

Believe it or not, that's not an uncommon feeling. Evolutionary wise, there's no particular reason for the dad to bond with the baby. It's completely dependent on mum. What we get is often a spillover for the drive to get mum to bond.

I was lucky and had that bond kick in quite quickly, but it's ok if it doesn't. Likely it will kick in around 6 months, as the baby becomes more "interesting". Until then, be a good husband.

It's also worth noting that you are entering peak "emergency mode". Right now the baby is completely dependent on you. It hasn't settled down into a routine, and you are running low on sleep. They combine to utterly screw with your head.

The mentality that got me through that zone was this: mum looks after the baby, I look after mum. I made sure she had regular meals. That she had time for a shower. That she could have a coherent night sleep.

Something that might help is to sniff your baby's head. Babies put off powerful pheromones, designed to reinforce the bonds. Unfortunately, not everyone has active pheromone receptors. If you do though, that smell is like crack cocaine.

In short, you're doing well. Baby is safe and cared for, and you're doing your share of that work. Anything else is a bonus.

thanks for the heads up, gotta buy condoms bye

Probably also should wonder if the child will enjoy any part of its life. Being born is a consentless act.

I'm with you dude. it does get better in many ways. it gets worse in some others.

my advice, get medicated for anxiety and/or depression.

it sounds like you're both going through a pretty rough time and need some time to breathe. lean on your support for some time alone with your wife to find your confidence together as a couple.

communicate your needs to each other clearly and respectfully. you both can't do it alone and will need to do this together.

• take each day at a time
• it's ok to put the baby down in the crib and step away for a minute if you're feeling overwhelmed
• share how you're feeling with your wife, you're a team after all
• you will fuck up, accept it, you're human and it comes with the territory
• don't try to be a "super dad/mom", they don't exist and anyone who says otherwise is lying

You're not alone.

I never liked humans aged 0-10, and could only kinda stand adolescents and young adults in small doses.

But I wanted adult children because I wanted the relationship that I had with my parents from my 20's onward. Many of the well adjusted adults I know had or have really close relationships with their supportive, loving parents, and it seems like a relationship that goes both ways, between the 30-something child and the 60-something parent.

So now I have kids. I still don't really care for other people's children, although I've softened my views and attitudes towards them. But I love my own children, and I'm very excited about how they're developing into actual humans with their own personalities who will one day be their own full fledged adults who I love and who love me.

I found the helpless infant stages to be simultaneously boring and stressful. It wasn't until they were eating food that I cooked for them (5-6 months in) that started to feel an emotional connection, and some kind of meaning in parenting. Then, when they started talking I became more emotionally invested in the relationship.

One thing that I feel hasn't been addressed enough by the comments:

**Stay. The hell. Away. From. Social. Media. **

It is toxic, and will bring nothing but misery, jealousy, and insecurity.

We had ours late in life, so had the hindsight of having our circle of friends going through parenthood before us. You mentioned 'social' pressure, norms, expectations, etc. All of them are amplified 10x by social media, which presents an unrealistic, curated view of parenthood. Not to mention the 50 different 'advice' on what you 'should' do as a parent. (You should breastfeed or your baby will be a serial killer. No, just start with formula, it will make your life easier. No, you should give them organic goat milk to help them grow better).

We deleted all the apps just before the baby was born. It has now been a few years since we touched any of them (except FB Marketplace, because buying anything new is ridiculous. And, I guess, Lemmy). The only pictures you'll find of our little one is in our family chat group. The only advice we'll take are from the midwives and nurses that keep track of the baby's growth, and has a 24h hotline for us to ask literally anything.

People you know, including parents, will give unsolicited advice. Feel free to listen to them, but know that most of the time you can tell them off or ignore them. This is your baby. Your family.

And feel free to ignore this advice from a stranger on Lemmy 🙂

It gets better, I really didn't connect with my oldest until he was almost 9 months. It's tough now with the lack of sleep and all the other stuff that comes with a newborn.

As a fellow dad, the shit is hard. Very much social media make it hard, but there is a general misnomer that having kids is a bundle of joy. It's f'n hard, and no one tells you that. The first is especially hard as you have no reference. Like you when my children were born i did not have an immediate attachment. In fact it felt like a new responsibility/task. And like you i just went through the motions - to survive. But over time "bonding moments" will occur and the power of those moments, over time, will be more than you can imagine. And it may not be the big things like walking or talking but some little thing like him catching a fish, singing one of your songs with you or unintentionally using one of your phrases or mannerisms. Your story has some similarities to mine so a couple suggestions.

• if the baby isn't latching or feeding "normally" encourage your wife not to fight it. The idea that only breast feeding creates this unbreakable bond is horse shit. It's the dynamic you have over the next 25 years that matters. Pump, bottle feed, and take care of yourselves. Like others have said, and its the absolute truth, you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of him. There is a great book that all parents should read called "Kids Are Assholes", and infants are no different. Your son may be an asshole when it comes to feeding/eating. But he may be awesome in telling his mom he loves her every night.
• Mom's mental health is very important and very complicated. The chemical cocktail her body has been and is providing her is a real "doozy". Provide as much emotional support you can (without sapping yourself) and continue to encourage counseling. These people are experienced in this situation (its your first time through it) and they guide and listen.
• If there is one thing that I hope sticks with you and wish I had done for myself was to talk with a counselor. It is unbelievably helpful to have someone to get stuff off your chest. It's not your broken or can't handle it - its simply having someone to vent to and likely providing you some feedback / perspective that actually makes you feel better about the situation.

Parenting is f'n hard. But there are some rewards along the way that are irreplicable and make your life more fulfilling than it would be otherwise.

I always figured I'd have a kid(s) because...that's what you do right?

Oh boy

This is a super common and often unspoken phenomenon for fathers. It took me two years to feel emotionally attached to my first. Those two years sucked. It felt like all work, no reward. I powered through because love is a choice and I love my family. Slowly but surely, it happened. It happens for most of us. Especially as they start taking interests in the things we are interested in. You start seeing yourself in them - their looks and how they behave.

I am 99% sure you’ll end up loving your kids. I have three now. Just power through. You’re FAR from alone. Ask me if you have any questions.

You will bond with the kid later, not now. I think its pretty common for dads to connect much later. You didnt carry the kid so you have no connection yet.

Give it time but also stop doing all unnecessary work. You cant emotionally connect if you are always tired and you associate the kid only with screaming in the background.

Within the first three weeks, I ended up in the hospital from neglecting myself. The stress was insane. I didn't sleep more than a few hours.

So I learned two things. First, it does get better. Second, take care of yourself or you can't take care of the kid.

Also, stop doing chores. If it isn't necessary to live, it isn't necessary to do.

I think everyone has their own age group that they bond with the most. For me, I LOVE little puddle babies, so I had kind of an easy go of it. Changing the diaper and bottle feeding? Sick. Naps and tummy time? Fuckin sold. C'mere, kid, we're going to chill and play vidya. I think the best advice I can offer is that you'll generally find more of what you seek-- go fishing with magnets, don't be surprised to get metal instead of fish, etc. Try to make the best of it whenever you can, try to find the joy in it wherever possible, and try to play. Kids, even babies, will surprise you with the ways they can find to play, if you give them the chance.

As for the state of the world, my kids have motivated me to get into local politics to try and leave them a better world than what I inherited. And if all else fails, well, one can always re-evaluate their political strategy once their dependents are less dependent.

I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I'm not going to hurt this kid. I'm not a violent person).

I had similar feelings. There were a few times where I wasn't in a good place emotionally, so I made sure the screaming kid was safe, closed the door, and took five to calm down. Then I opened the door and did what I could to help the baby.

I didn't think I was a person who got angry/frustrated that easily, but yeah, a screaming kid can have that effect.

There's nothing wrong with not feeling some life changing experience when holding your child. Some people do, some don't and it is a bit overplayed by people.

Taking care of a baby is hard work and tiring. It can be overwhelming for first time parents and I recommend you talk with your wife about it and look into sharing the workload better so you can both get some time for yourselves, you could also ask your mother or other family members to help watch the kid so you and your wife can get a night out and relax. It will help a lot.

As for the other feelings I would honestly advise you to look into getting some professional help if possible. You can talk to your GP about it and they they can advise you on what to do or recommend you to specialized help.

But yea, hang in there, it gets better and as the kid grows they will be able to take care of themselves more and your workload will get lower. Though I have to warn you that if you build resentment for them they will pick it up at some point and they will be crushed. It shatters my heart to see kid suffer like that.

Just chiming in real quick, don't have much time to write, i'm a father of 2.

It gets better my dear stranger. It actualy gets only better and better, it still amazes me.

3 weeks is just really the hardest part. But you have dedication (kudos on the breakfasts in bed) and you are not a violent person (how many times I have wanted to rip their head off lol) so you are already a great parent.

Parenting is just gross shit and hard work, but that's what we do, so let's do it really well. We owe it to ourselves. Keep on keeping on

I'll tell you the part you don't want to hear: You compromised with your wife. Compromises suck. But they are better than no compromises. Having a child is the ultimate commitment.

Here's the good news: the hardest part is behind you. Tough it out for a bit more. Everyday will get just a bit easier. New borns are not very interactive, so it's kinda normal to not enjoy this part. Maybe you'll get more out of it when the child starts smiling at you, or talking to you, or taking an interest in your hobby. Maybe not.

Also, you could be suffering from baby blues. It's common, even at three weeks. Consider some support for yourself, not just your wife.