this post was submitted on 22 Oct 2026
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I'm not sure I'd like having a portal gun. I want one. I really want one. I just think life would kinda feel either pointless or overly complicated.
With only one of you with your regular human brain you'd be unable to save the entire world so any good you achieve would feel depressingly underwhelming, like the ending of schindlers list. Also you'd likely fall for a bad guys story and think you're doing good but actually making shit worse.
If you manage to just be selfish with it and keep it quiet, what would you even do with life? Once you'd done all the landmarks, snuck onto area 51 and shit, what's left? Doesn't seem much point working a job, keeping a house or even robbing banks or whatever. Why bother with money when you've got a portal gun?
I really want it. But I must never have it.
I shouldn't feel bad for just using it to reach the fridge from the sofa.
Yeah, I'd shoot two portals in a vertical line
Undo my belt, lean in and
Change pants without having to look down
Also I’d suck my own diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick
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Now you're thinking with portals!
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An emp that blankets the world, but instead of electromagnetic it's empathy manipulation such that it either eliminates those lacking empathy or forces them to be empathetic.
Goodbye capitalism, pedophilia, corruption, etc. We're facing what I believe is a global empathy crisis through the rise of the far right due to global neoliberal capitalism. To secure profits, which we've tied to survival, we're un-learning empathy, which was an evolutionary advantage for us. Capitalism rewards narcissism, a lack of empathy, being willing to exploit others.
I would set that empathy pulse off in an instant. I'm tired of seeing people brutalized around the world because of greedy people in power.
I think such a weapon is achievable once we understand genetics enough. Create a gene modification that makes people a little more cooperative and more interested in everybody else's welfare - say 20% more - and infuse it into enough of the world's water supplies to give the mutation to a majority of humans. Wait a few years and I think their behavioral changes would turn our whole world around. No need to design a perfect social system and use politics to implement it. It would quickly evolve on its own. .
Isn't this the lore of the Reavers in Firefly?
Similar idea, but the "pacification gas" wasn't a genetic modificationn. And of course how something works in a sci-fi story doesn't depend on how it worked in a different one.
The flashy thing from Men in Black "my report was great and you have me an A+"
While a death star is definitely more powerful, I think I would have to choose then BFG9000 from Doom.
The Death Star is a weapon you can live in. It's an important consideration.
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Sonic Screwdriver is pretty much a magic wand with lights, so I choose that.
They're scientific instruments, not water pistols!
The ZF-1.
it’s light. Handle’s adjustable for easy carrying, good for righties and lefties. Breaks down into four parts, undetectable by x-ray, ideal for quick, discreet interventions. A word on firepower. Titanium recharger, three thousand round clip with bursts of three to three hundred, and with the Replay button, another Zorg invention, it’s even easier.
Plus a tempting red button
Orgazmo's Orgazmorator, a ray gun that forces orgasm upon whomever it is fired.
*for crime fighting, bad politicians, or consensual encounters, only.
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A Gun That Can Kill The Past
Nicoll-Dyson beam. You can fry your enemy anywhere, anytime, at the speed of light, with the power of an entire star.
A Death Star. Hugely powerful weapon, but also spacious living space, and travel solution all in one. Just need to get a grate over that exhaust port and we're all good.
Phaser.
- Stun
- Kill
- Vaporize
- Create a source of warmth
- Cook (not shown on screen to my knowledge, but plausible)
- Precisely cut various materials
- Landscape
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Cerebral Bore from Turok 2. Not sure why, but that one stuck with me over the years.
While a ship, the Lexx was primarily designed as a weapon that could destroy planets, so I'll go for The Lexx.
The Point of View Gun, conveniently, does precisely what it's name suggests. That is, if you point it at someone and pull the trigger, they instantly see things from your point of view.
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The Farsight from Perfect Dark (or the equivalent gun from the last season of Deep Space 9). The scope sees through walls quite a distance away, and when fired the shot teleports to the target.
I'd like a Death Star, you can certainly trust me with a Death Star.
One that immediately eliminates all billionaires and blocks their existence forever.
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Reason from the book Snowcrash. It's essentially some highly advanced smart minigun that fits in a suit case. Mostly so I can say something like "I'll make them listen to Reason" before I use it.
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Dena’s chakrams but laserfied
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