Ask Lemmy

I have a job where I meet the general public, and I ask about peoples' heritages all the time. I have never been accused of being racist or insensitive because I'm truly interested for the right reasons. I love to know where people are from, what it's like there, their story of coming to America, etc.

I think moving your entire life to a new country with a different language and culture is about one of the bravest things a person can do. I genuinely want to hear about that, and people don't mind sharing under those circumstances.

It's when they get the side eye, along with, "So where are YOU from?" that gets the defenses up.

The way I do it is I ask "Are you from [city we are currently in]?" The immigrants and visitors say no and I get to ask where they're from. The locals say yes and don't get offended. There's no presumption, no implication.

I have kind of the reverse situation. If I were anymore white I'd be transparent. I'm from the States originally, but I speak Dutch with some degree of fluency and ...am very white.

In everyday interactions my roots don't often come up. But if I talk to someone long enough after 15-20 minutes something about my grammar or accent will tip people off to the fact I ain't from around here.

Mostly people just complement me for my Dutch and add that most Americans don't bother to learn it (this however is changing rapidly since we have had so many people from N America move here and immerse as quickly as they can the last few years.)

But once in a while they will ask some rather pointed questions about things like religion - assuming I'm a crazy xian - or racism - assuming because I'm white and from the States I must be a racist - etc.

My wife (100% Dutch, couldn't possibly be more Dutch) works with refugees, and I've helped on many occasions over the years. One of them has become a good friend of ours. And to the refugees it definitely matters where someone is from and it's the first thing they will ask one another. It is sometimes critical to segregate people from different places or cultures, for safety. I think because of this they don't mind when whitty asks them where they are from also. Most will want to talk about their home country.

But, these are refugees, not someone whose parents immigrated here three generations ago and just happen to have brown skin. Asking a non-white person where they are really from is Not Done. But once you get to know someone they will probably bring it up in conversation.

All that said, some Dutch people can be hella racist despite our reputation for tolerance.

If we just met, yes it is rude. We're strangers, my life story is none of your business. If we're more than acquaintances, I expect it would come up naturally at some point in conversation so not rude (hopefully).

I'm a visible minority so I have to weed out the people who are just trying to satisfy their curiosity about why I'm not white. Those people don't ever accept the answer that I'm from Vancouver, or that my parents are from Winnipeg. I will never be Canadian enough for those people because of how I look.

Nobody ever asks my white spouse out of nowhere whether he speaks X language even though he's given no indication that he does, and nobody ever asks him where he's really from.

There’s sort of a racist undertone to that kind of question that can put people on guard. I think you just need to be cognizant of that when you frame a question.

The annoying version goes like this:

White person: Where are you from?

Brown person: Calgary

White person, squinting at their skin: Ok, but where are you from?

Brown person: Still Calgary.

White person: visibly frustrated

The annoying/racist part being that white people are assumed to originate from North America, but literally everyone else (including indigenous people, lol) are immigrants.

The basic question is fine and I’ve never seen someone upset about being asked. But if you go into more detailed questions, keep in mind they might mispercieve what you’re asking.

A friend of mine gets asked that all the time, cause he's brown-skinned with dark, curly hair in Germany. There's the implication that although he's a German citizen and was born and lived in Germany all his life, his "roots" are somewhere else, and therefore he isn't a "real German".

If you get asked that question constantly due to your looks, it gets annoying quickly, cause it implies the question whether you fully belong in this country, so keep that in mind.

“We are all African.” — Richard Dawkins

As you have noted from the other comments, there are certainly times when it can be rude to ask. And someone told you that you asked rudely. So there's a reasonable chance they're right.

Also, if you think about what you actually wrote, it doesn't make sense. A lot of people were born in Canada, so they did not come from elsewhere. They in fact came from Canada. Their parents may have come from elsewhere. And you might say, "Hey, what's the difference?" But actually there's a huge difference to the people you're talking to.

But still, it's not like the general topic is necessarily off limits. So why don't you just kind of wait and see how long it takes for other people to bring it up? And that might give you a sense for what the people around you feel is reasonable.

After arriving to a new country and seeing different ppl (I.e. non-white) asked the question "Ok, but where are you really from?", I realised asking about roots could be seen as rude by association.

I defaulted to asking, if the conversation heads that way, "Did you grow up around here?" As I see this question assumes you're a local, and at the same time it's broad enough for others to respond however they want.

So here's the thing. I wouldn't view it as impolite in all cases. It just.... depends on the context a lot.

I have no love for my cultural heritage at all. The reason I came to Canada was to get away from... all that, right? So if you'd ask me excitedly about my "roots", I would give exceedingly one worded answers hoping that you'd drop the topic. I don't want to glorify the culture I grew up in, because there's nothing to glorify. Ah, now if you wanted to have a sociological discussion about it, I would be very interested in talking with you. So as I said, "context", right?

Often, racist white folk also tend to ask about "culture" as a sly way to remind non white folks that they "aren't really Canadian" or whatever. Yeah, it makes no logical sense to do that, but well... It happens. So you know... It depends.

Yeah, it's stupid. I hate it when people ask me question like this. I am not from anywhere, I am from here.

Usually some drunk idiot I meet though insist that I need to tell them the origin country of my great great grandparents. I want to punch them.

It heavily depends on context. I love to chat about mine but I won't if I sense that there's a risk of discrimination. The amount of information I divulge depends heavily on how close we are. If you ask it out of the blue and you're not someone I trust well, it comes off as rude.

Hello from Ontario

I don't know for sure, but I think so. And I'm a naturally curious person about these things, so I try to frame it in a way different from their looks, such as "That's an interesting name.. where's it from?".

As a Chinese American, I don't find it offensive. I mean at this point I kinda just embraced my background, I mean I still have a Chinese name as my legal name and I still speak Cantonese and Mandarin (with very basic fluency tho)

Unless you say it like: "Oh, your English is very good! Where are you from?" and the person clearly has a native-accent 🙄 (don't do it like this)

(hasn't happened yet, usually people are either much more overt like using racial slurs, or just not display racism at all)

I think you should just ask something like: "What is your ancestral background?" more direct and IMO sounds a lot better. But I think the context is key, you need to feel the vibe in the room is good before you ask that, don't just walk up to someone and ask that as the first question.

But I was born in China, so I am technically speaking not "from" here, but if you are in the US and ask an Asian person born and grew up in the US that question, they might not like it. You should probably frame it like: "Hey I'm just curious, what is your ancestral background?"

Like most things, it depends on the context.

It is all in how you do it. I ask people about their family history all the time.

As a man, I've learned to never say anything about a woman's hair, beyond "Love it!", or "Looks great!"

It depends on the context. Some people might consider their family information to be private and not want to share that with random strangers.

Absolutely, yes. If a person wants to dye their hair, it's their prerogative. They also should be able to re-dye it or let it grow back to the natural color at the frequency of their choosing.

Asking about their roots puts pressure on them to dye it again. Why would you ask unless you're saying they're super noticeable?

When I was younger I got a lot of "what are you?" Well asked that way yeah, I think it's rude. Also, I really don't know, usually say mostly southern European because that I know about, and England if you go back far enough but everyone has so many ancestors at that point, it doesn't make sense really, I think you have to go pretty far back to get to any other country, I am from here.

Depends. Many times, yes it is rude. To figure it out I take into account relevance and understandable curiosity. Is it relevant to the situation? What's their demeanor towards me? But it's hard to tell, really. Some people wear a mask better than others. And it can get annoying when you hear it several times a day.

I think Americans tend to be more sensitive about this, but Canadians (at least in the Toronto area) tend to me more open to this.

I guess it's different when you're the only minority in town, compared to other scenarios where most people are white.

except for the indigenous originally came from somewhere else

This is not true. Even the indigenous originally came from Africa, because we are all African apes: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homininae

"Tell me of your bloodline."

It is kind of impolite.
Not everyone can afford going to the salon every week to get their roots fixed.

Depends on both the person asking (whether they're obviously "good vibes" or not, if they just seem curious and appreciative or simply trying to connect with you ["oh, I went to X some years ago, it was lovely, and this person seems like a native from there, that's a good conversation starter, right?" - mental process]) and the person being asked (if they're withdrawn/afraid of people and suspect foul play/bad intentions or not, or if they've had many impasses with racist people, for instance).

When you ask that you are more or less subconsciously confirming your stereotypes you have of certain group of people. When I talk to people why do I have to know where that persons parents are born? It’s just putting people into small boxes they have nothing to do with and I hate being put there myself especially when it’s one of the first question. I prefer asking/being asked about the career and life path.

Would you think it rude to ask an indigenous person of their background? If yes, then the answer is yes.