this post was submitted on 22 Jul 2026
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[–] TheTechnician27@lemmy.world 164 points 1 week ago (10 children)

Humans are apes.

This is a very simple concept, folks.

[–] ceenote@lemmy.world 83 points 1 week ago (5 children)

As an ape, I don't know if I'm cool with Matt Walsh sucking my dick to save a human life.

[–] MrVilliam@sh.itjust.works 19 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I'm cool with it. For clout. I'm not even into dudes, but I'd like to contribute to his misery.

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[–] Grandwolf319@sh.itjust.works 151 points 1 week ago (4 children)

That’s factually false.

He can save a lot of humans every day by doing something humanitarian and does not.

The only logical inference is that his motivation is not saving humans but killing apes.

[–] OwOarchist@pawb.social 71 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Yep, lol.

Would you kill all apes to save one human? "Sure!"

Would you donate $500 to save one human? "Fuck no!"

[–] tomi000@lemmy.world 17 points 1 week ago (4 children)

Logical conclusion: "rather kill all apes than donate 500$". Anyone with this mindset is a trash human being.

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[–] Viking_Hippie@lemmy.dbzer0.com 23 points 1 week ago (9 children)

Besides, if he DID kill all apes, the damage to complex ecosystems across the world that rely on interdependent species including apes would DEFINITELY lead to the deaths of more than one human.

Probably at least two.

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[–] monotremata@lemmy.ca 18 points 1 week ago

"I hate every ape I see, from Chimpan-A to chimpanzee..." 🎶

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[–] alexc@lemmy.world 96 points 1 week ago (4 children)

I'll wager he's also done sweet fuck all to save any human

[–] cheers_queers@lemmy.zip 59 points 1 week ago

quite the opposite. he is implicit in violence, calling for death to lgbt and POC people.

[–] cavitationfetishist2@quokk.au 7 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Well yeah. When was the last time you saw someone who could be saved by genociding entities that haven't cracked fire and sharpened sticks?

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[–] orca@orcas.enjoying.yachts 45 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I’d punch one Matt Walsh in the face to save all humans from having to read this fucking drivel.

[–] D_C@sh.itjust.works 21 points 1 week ago (2 children)

I don't believe you. Get cracking.

And remember, power comes from the hips. Not the fist. Wind up, let loose, and punch through the object.
Don't punch the face, try to punch the back of the skull, and beyond, but through the face.
Chop chop, daylight's a wasting.

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[–] Widdershins@lemmy.world 44 points 1 week ago (3 children)

nancy reagan sucked a ton of dicks and we still got the crack epidemic

[–] Atelopus-zeteki@fedia.io 25 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Well, you can't say she didn't try.

[–] jballs@sh.itjust.works 8 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Good old Nance the Throat GOAT

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[–] 58008@lemmy.world 40 points 1 week ago (2 children)

I think the environmental knock-on effect of wiping out all gorillas might cause more than one human to die in the future, directly or indirectly.

Also, gorilla dicks are small and they cum pretty much instantly, so you could easily get through all gorillas on Earth in an afternoon. Matt Walsh might get it done in 20 minutes, what with his extensive experience of sucking huge amounts of dick on Twitter.

[–] WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 7 points 1 week ago (2 children)

How do you know the last part?

[–] SaharaMaleikuhm@feddit.org 12 points 1 week ago (1 children)
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But for Republicans and conservatives in general it's about projecting power. Sucking off gorilla dicks do nothing to project power whereas killing a bunch of gorillas do.

[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca 40 points 1 week ago (3 children)

Its always "I'm willing to kill for my pet peeve", its never "I'm willing to die without hurting anyone else for my pet peeve"

[–] bequirtle@lemmy.world 34 points 1 week ago (3 children)

always "i would kill for X" or "i would die for X" and never "i would commit to a modest but long-term effort for the betterment of X"

[–] tomselleck@sopuli.xyz 9 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Seriously. Forego the killing and death and just volunteer in your local community, but I guess that doesn’t sound as edgy in a tweet.

[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca 1 points 3 days ago

Volunteering isn't as cool as Elmo Musk

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[–] bitwolf@sh.itjust.works 31 points 1 week ago (10 children)

How exactly are we more.important?

Earth probably hates us and thinks we're parasites.

[–] Waraugh@lemmy.dbzer0.com 15 points 1 week ago (5 children)

Earth needed us to create plastic, once we’ve created that in sufficient numbers it will restart with the additional resource availability

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[–] De_Narm@lemmy.world 30 points 1 week ago

They are always eager for violence, but paying for universal healthcare? Food and housing? Suddenly, they spew some bullshit about personal responsibility or somerhing.

[–] absentbird@lemmy.world 27 points 1 week ago (5 children)
[–] VitoRobles@lemmy.today 12 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Shhh we almost got Matt to suck a bunch of dick

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[–] i_stole_ur_taco@lemmy.ca 26 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Who would kill every Matt Walsh to save one ape, tho?

[–] Abyssian@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Do I need to wait until he's threatening an ape, or can we just kill him now?

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[–] TheReturnOfPEB@reddthat.com 23 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

taken further this is: "i'm the most important human of the humans to me ... thus i will kill all of you to save me" absolute psycho type shit

[–] OtakuAllTheWay@sh.itjust.works 22 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

As if Matt Walsh would save LGBTQ, non-Christians and people of color

[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 21 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

Humans are apes so I assume this means he'll kill every last one of us to save himself.

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[–] laranis@lemmy.zip 16 points 1 week ago

I think the proper rephrasing should be, "Would you suck one ape dick to save every human?"

It is physically possible (unlike "every" ape dick) and shapes up as a lose-lose: OP's either a hypocrite or an ape-dick sucker.

[–] whereitsat@lemmy.zip 11 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (2 children)

i had an exclusive tour of a preserve in the congo because my sister was dating this guy who worked there (she loves BBC for some reason), and i met a few gorillas up close and personal. you're never gonna believe this one, but one of them (her name was gretchen) shared a peach with me because she was full, and while i was eating it--are you ready?--she wrapped one arm around me in a warm embrace; that soft exterior gave way to a burst of sugary nectar that tasted as sweet as anything out of a factory with 50g of sugar, including coca cola and little debbie.

but it was the love that made it so sweet.

i've never even felt that kind of unconditional love out of my children; that kind of love that's sprouted from seeds planted by a hand with a deep understanding of the human condition, with all of its pains and glories; you don't need the cosmos when you're so in touch with the ragged soil of earth.

my son and daughter told me they hate me because i wouldn't buy them a ps5 and this was after i built a totally modern gaming rig and sprung for the best graphics card and a 4tb SSD that they refuse to fill up all the way because piracy is immoral. but they wanted to play the new persona, and i love them, so i bought them the ps5 and they haven't changed their attitude. now they want veja sneakers even though the new balance t500 has a sleeker silhouette, a timeless vintage style and costs $100 less.

i still think of getchen from time to time and how she had a better figure than my wife.

[–] laranis@lemmy.zip 8 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I hate that I couldn't get past BBC without getting stuck on whether the broadcaster was somehow involved or whether OP ponders their sister's appreciation for spade tatoos.

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[–] TheGiantKorean@lemmy.today 11 points 1 week ago

He gets to save a human and suck every ape's dick!

[–] PragmaticOne@lemmy.world 9 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Who the fuck is this bell end Matt Walsh?

[–] IchNichtenLichten@lemmy.wtf 17 points 1 week ago (2 children)

To the far right, an intellectual. To everybody else a moron.

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[–] Melusine@tarte.nuage-libre.fr 9 points 1 week ago

But we are apes... come on!

[–] IAMgROOT@lemmy.wtf 9 points 1 week ago

if you killed every ape, you would disrupt the ecosystem and kill every human

[–] Ozymati@lemmy.nz 9 points 1 week ago (1 children)

So this guy would make apes extinct to save Hitler? Fucking nazi simps.

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[–] jontree255@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago

Matt Walsh is a dumbass. It’s a simple concept.

[–] peteypete420@sh.itjust.works 8 points 1 week ago

No, sucking monkey peen is just fun

[–] orionsbelt@midwest.social 7 points 1 week ago

he’s still alive? ffs

[–] null@piefed.nullspace.lol 6 points 1 week ago

I say we let him try. Hand-to-hand combat. Every ape vs. Matt Walsh.

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