Hah, I've literally been there. Imagine a 9'x9' prison cell with two men, steel bunk "beds", and a solid steel toilet. Also, you're high on suboxone because there's not much else to do in prison.

You're a grown man, standing facing the toilet with wiener in hand, with another grown man's head like 3 feet behind your ass. Standing there for what feels like eternity. And you're thinking "Oh shit. He's going to think I don't know how to piss or something. This is weird. His head is way too close to my ass. Fuck, I'd better not fart. I forgot how pain killers and shit can make you unable to piss. It's got to be the sub I took. I have to go so bad but I don't know how to make it work. I did forget how to pee!"

And as you panic, your bunkie finally says something like "What the fuck, dude? Did you forget how to piss?" and all of your fears come true.

I used to have this problem, but I somehow got over it by imagining to piss in the face of the queen of England. Something about unloading in her face while she’s sitting there all prissy like makes me laugh which relaxes my muscles enough to piss.

I could write a lengthy essay about how the design of modern western public bathrooms reflects our social hypocrisies, inconsistencies, and social ills. In fact I have been gathering thoughts for a while now with plans to do so.

And I too opt for a stall whenever possible, I'm a cis-presenting man but I still don't feel safe enough at a urinal for the pee to flow. But this stuff is often invisible to those it doesn't affect adversely.

This reminds me of one night where a group of friends went out drinking. Just before we were going to leave the pub to go to one further down the road one friend said he needed to take a piss. It triggered something in a bunch of us as most of us realised we needed to go.

The toilets were really busy; that situation where you're pissing in what is basically a trough with your elbows touching the elbows of other guys next to you. Immediately on trying to go it just wasn't happening. I stood awkwardly for about a minute, zipped up, washed my hands and went outside.

Everyone gathered round and we started walking. We were walking in silence for about a minute when one guy said "Did anyone else manage to actually pee?" To which loads of us burst out laughing. Turns out we all did the same thing, even though we needed to pee, we all failed to do so.

Pissing with shy bladder protip: Do some multiplication tables in your head. What's 7x6? 8x6? 4x12?

Takes up enough concentration that it easily starts to flow. Made this trick up years back and it has never failed me.

I'm arguably a real man's man with typical man likes and man opinions but I won't for the life of me understand this macho stigma against pissing sitting down.

You have no toilet paper at urinals so you put your member back into your underwear with more residual piss on it than you would've otherwise, and splashback of piss particulates back onto your pants is also a thing.

Especially when you drain the lizard in or at something that's not one of those round specifically purpose built porcelain urinals. Like those unials that are just a big metal plate, a normal toilet, or a wall or tree.

Pro tip: If you have a shy bladder, you can just go into a stall to pee.

I sit down when I pee. There nothin that crazy bout me.

I wish I could sit down when I pee, but my dick and balls are so long they get dunked when I do so. 😔

Here's some advice I received years ago for this very situation: if you're struggling to piss due to stage fright, imagine pissing on the head of someone you hate. Really imagine it. Imagine micturating all over their hair (or their scalp), the aghast expression, then them spluttering while trying to mouth 'What the fuck?' it does work. I don't know why it works - and I most definitely don't want to know - but it does work.

You're all most welcome :)

The comic for the women's bathroom is two girls in stalls waiting for the other one to leave so she can shit.

that guy looks like the dad from cloudy with a chance of meatballs lol

Then you pee all over your pants and shoes and have to tell everyone the sink sprayed you.

I've got this trick. Basically, I start relaxing the muscles on the way to the restroom. Not enough that there's any chance I'll piss myself before I get there. Just enough that by the time I'm in front of the urinal, it's not difficult to start the stream quickly.

There was this one time I felt kindof bad about. went to the restroom where I worked (back before I was working remotely) and used "the trick" as usual. I get there, and there's a guy at one of the urinals already. I peed, flushed, washed my hands, and left the restroom before he produced a drop.

Of course, in all likelihood, "the trick" won't continue to work so well as my beard grows grayer, and some day I'll be the other guy.

I always thought this comic was upvoted because the absurdity of it is funny, not because it's a thing that people are actually anxious about and therefore relate to.

Great, now I'm not going to be able to pee all day.

So I don't really worry about getting caught "not peeing" or whatever, but I do often take a moment or two to get started.... and I also frequently attend concerts.

I never worry about being watched, but boy do I feel like a jackass sometimes taking thrice as long as everyone else when there's a line out the door between bands.....

I used to sit because it was more comfortable.

Now I sit for... Different reasons lmao