365
Masturbation among birds is ‘natural’ and should not be punished, say experts
(www.theguardian.com)
Who was punishing birds for masturbating in the first place? Why!?
this post was submitted on 01 Jun 2026
365 points (98.7% liked)
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Researchers historically tended to assume birds either did not masturbate or did so only under the stress of captivity ... Accounts from hobbyists revealed that some owners had sought veterinary help when they caught their birds masturbating, fearing the animals might hurt themselves.
This explains all the bird watchers.
People are HORRIBLE with birds. Even the ones that pretend to love them treat them like trash.
And then there's the fuckers that think that their views of the world matters more than anything else, and will punish masturbation because animals don't feel pleasure so it shouldn't be allowed, will punish them for having gay couples because gay shouldn't exist and especially not in animals (else how can you say your main homophobic argument of "gay is unnatural, only degenerate humans do it"), will starve them for "training" purposes, and don't get me started on the diets, environment safety and cage sizes.
There's a reason why the life expectancy of birds doesn't increase in captivity. People are really, really horrible with birds, and the more I read about people who "care" about birds the worse I feel for their birds.
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“folk husbandry often advises bird keepers to discourage or punish this behaviour, sometimes even resorting to surgery and hormonal interventions,”
TIL there's a cottage industry of preventing bird mastrubation
Til that people are punishing birds for masturbating
American Christianity punishes all ideas of enjoying sex, even among animals.
But not between priests and altar boys, it seems
To be fair that's just Catholicism and not American Christianity ™®©.
Don't get me wrong, American Christianity ™®© has its share of pedophiles, possibly even more than catholicism, however it's usually straight because they just believe younger girls are more fertile.
humans never cease to amaze don't they
My mind blown
An investigation into acts of self-pleasure among parrots and other birds has reached a climax, with the results providing welcome relief for vets and researchers, not to mention the birds themselves.
Asked if they showed any signs of self-loathing or Catholic guilt, Heys thought not. “I don’t want to say satisfied, but they do look different after they finish. It’s obviously doing something for them.”
Someone was having a little too much fun with this article.
Sounds like the birds were still having more fun
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A bird wrote this
PS: Article delivers
An investigation into acts of self-pleasure among parrots and other birds has reached a climax
Typically, males would be “rubbing quite vigorously” on their perch, a toy or a twig, or on their owner’s hand, foot or shoulder
Freaky ass birds.
Hold up. If a bird is bonded to you, and it does it, does it even count as baitin'? Sounds more like it's trying to mate with its mate. Or is bird-jacking fundamentally different? Bird experts... pitch in.
Not an expert, but I've witnessed something like this. Step mom turned into a strange bird person for her midlife crisis, got an African grey that absolutely hates all females including her, but loves all dude. It dude puff up and squat on your shoulder, but it wouldn't rub anything. Maybe it's different for male birds.
I'm sorry people are out trying to punish birds?
A seagull stole my chip. Are you suggesting I just Let That Go?
Look, man, I wasn't punishing them I just didn't have anything to feed them but cornflakes. I am not John Kellogg; I didn't think that shit actually would stop anyone masturbating. 🤷♂️
Some of them insist upon it, even if you've never SEEN a fucking flog, much less wielded one against a partner.
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Perfect timing, I'll have to print out a copy of this article for the court as part of my defense in an upcoming case where it's relevant.
Oh no, another expert in Bird Law
In bird culture, this is considered a cloacal move.
Who would punish them? 😭
Bird Jesus looks down on them all.
BirDSM
If you’ve ever seen a bird masturbate, you absolutely know what that bird is doing.
Hilarious statement. So if I have never seen a bird masturbate, I would not know what the bird is doing? Wow.
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I dont care if it's natural. im not removing the "no masturbating" sign from our bird feeder.
I agree. Gotta keep the "bird seed" out of the bird seed.
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I used to have budgies, one of the males used to chat up his (male) friend whilst perched on my head... and then he'd start grinding away while still on my head
Fortunately he never left a deposit
Freaky little (head) fucker
efforts to intervene, which range from removing perches to hormone treatment and surgery
wtf :(
I believe the politically correct term is "Women". They tend to bitch a lot when you call them "birds".
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Sounds like a good candidate for an Ig Nobel Price.
Funny how they picked the most pervert-looking bird for the article photo.
What do you mean? That bird looks just like the President.
They always fly away before I can even get started!
What am I doing wrong?!
Birdkeepers punish birds? That's a new thought lol
Then why do I keep getting punished every time I masturbate among birds?
My masturbation ain't natural and mommy should punish me for it
Who the fuck is researching this and what is the process of their information gathering?
Just a bunch of scientists sitting around watching birds goon all day going "ya, this seems perfectly natural!"
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